I'm sorry... no, I'm not.

I am currently employed. Hooray! I am a telemarketing operator, to quote my full and complete title. What I do is I call people - "Good morning, Henry Sparker, please." - and then guide them through re-registering for the magazine I'm working for on that particular day. If Henry's not there, not a problem. Either it's "That's okay, can you help me update his details on his behalf?" or, if he's actually left properly, "Okay, I need to speak to your *insert high level job person*" and then get them to do a full registration.

From the first day of my job, I had the idea that I might be quite good at it. Not the best in the world, but I immediately took to the work, found my rhythm and within a day or so, I was already at the level of the girls who started last week.

We get targets set by the hour. At the moment, my target is 10 successful registrations an hour, occasionally 11. A successful registration can be a short re-registration, or a longer full registration with someone new.

(Interestingly, if I am registering the same person but the postal address of their organisation changes, that means I have to do the full registration process, even if the company is the same and their job role hasn't changed.)

Since being set 10 an hour, I've only had a few hours where I've not reached it. Usually, I exceed my target of 10, or hit it right on the nail in the final minutes of the hour. Once, I managed to get 15. I'm not sure how, but people just kept saying "yes, I can help".

Now, the interesting part of what I do happens when Henry himself is not available to do a registration; all you need is a secretary, or a PA, or a colleague of a lower job rank. To get higher numbers per hour, you need to learn how to deal with people who aren't the direct subscriber. Sometimes they don't feel entirely sure they can answer the questions. Sometimes they are busy. Sometimes they've already received five calls already and they're tired of questions. In all cases, my job is to lead them through the questions, as quickly as I can, occasionally feeding answers for some of the questions that can be problematic.

The question that often trips up a registration is called "Digital or print registration?" on my data entry form. What I interpret that as is, "Henry's currently receiving the digital version of the magazine, shall we stick with that format?" You don't give them a choice (paper is expensive, we'd prefer them to take email), or hint too much that this is indeed a registration for the magazine, because for some reason, PAs get very nervous when they sign up their boss for free things. I can understand why, but it is my job to convince them that it's okay, because it's entirely free of charge and this miracle magazine material has useful stuff for any level of management in any size organisation. Plus, you'll help me reach target and get an extra 5 minutes of break.

Occasionally, by the time I get to the last question, which is an auditing question (to prove I'm not just making up subscriptions), the on-their-behalf subscriber sounds very quiet, and a little nervous. I hang up, and for about five seconds, while filling out the call conclusion form, writing S for Short in my time form, and starting a new call, I think about the little girl, Miss Susie Haynes, or whatever, in her office, not entirely sure of what's happened, or what she's done.

Don't worry, Susie.

The challenge of my job is dealing with Katies. Let me explain: I call for Henry Sparker, and instead, Katie picks up the phone. Either Katie's company has a no-name policy, or Katie's on a switchboard and she's incredibly busy and just can't talk, or she can't give details over the phone, or they do all their registrations by email. With these, it's not really Katie's fault, so I let it slide. I have to.

Sometimes Katie knows all the details and is the PA/secretary to Henry (i.e. perfect to do the registration), but refuses to give her full name and/or title. The last Katie scenario is the worst. She can give me that delightful little S on my time sheet, but she refuses to because of some misplaced idea of what security is. You tell strangers your name and job title all the time at parties, Katie, I'm sure; you just don't want to tell me these things because I'm not some anonymous hot bloke in a suit that you can physically see in front of you. As for Miss/Ms/Mrs, well, you'd tell Hot Bloke all that too, but with your low-cut top or your buttoned up "don't talk to me, Johnny" manner.

I know, I'm being harsh here. Katie's not being a twat for no reason. But, I guess people are afraid to be linked to doing anything. Especially when they're not sure they should be doing it.

So, this post is incredibly long so...

TL;DR - I have a job. It's going well, but I need to improve on working with Katies who can help but won't because they're afraid of security. And, in general, I need to continue to work on adapting my approach more to each phone call, developing a flexibility for each situation. I would apologise for being that person who calls on behalf of X Magazine, but, it's my job. I have to do it. So, I won't apologise. So there. :p

I'm surprised at how much I've learnt here, actually. What seemed like a simple, and mind-numbingly boring job has actually become very interesting.

"Is competition for graduate jobs too tough?"

So, as all graduates have known for ages now, you basically need a 2:1 for most graduate jobs now. I even said it a year ago. According to a recent article, some graduate employers are refusing to interview anyone with a 2:2 or lower. So, the BBC asks (on its ever delightful Have Your Say section), is that too competitive? Should we lower the criteria, make it a bit easier for graduates to get a job?

Here's a fact for you. It might shock some of you, but, here you go.

Graduates do not deserve jobs just for being graduates.

There! I said it! But, it's true. People, not just graduates, should get jobs because they'll be able to do the tasks required of them in the job. So, things like relevant work experience and interpersonal skills help. A degree doesn't in and of itself give you the relevant work experience or important skills required for most jobs out there.

In the past, you could leave school at 16, and then just head out, get work, apprenticeships, and all that. Nowadays, if you're not seen to be entirely hopeless at school work, it seems like you're expected to follow a conveyor belt of school, then Sixth Form, then uni. Uni is just something you do, another three years of school on top of the 12 you've already done, a rite of passage of sorts.

Seems quite sad that just because you're smart enough to do university, you're expected to do it. I know several people who would have been much happier just getting stuck into work from the age of 16 or 18. Admittedly, I know that certain degrees can open the door to certain jobs (you can't work in CERN without some really tricky science under your belt!), but you don't need a degree to lead a team of people, and it seems like you could probably get most qualifications as you work anyway.

So, where am I going with my ramble? Nowhere. To be honest, I'm unsure of what my job prospects are. Sure, I'm smart, I'll probably come out with that golden 2:1 (or even a First!), and I've got some experience from my time on the exec, and I've had employment before. I'm a hard worker. I'd hope I was employable.

However, I know that my module choices so far (i.e. choosing pure over applied) have meant that rather than having things that might be more useful for an employer, I've chosen fun, abstract things that don't immediately have a use, if they have a use at all. I take responsibility for that choice. I chose interest and fun over practicality and use. If that makes me less employable, I am not going to yell about my right to employment because I graduated from a top university.

I guess it's my responsibility to make myself employable. Find something that I can do for society, or learn how to do something that makes me useful to society.

Bulging brides, snap solutions.

I've been watching a show about women who buy their wedding dresses a little too early, and snack like fiends, so they put on weight. Oh no! So two exercise demons from health hell itself come to get our "bulging" bride down to size before the Big Day.

The first time I saw the show, the lady was a former figure skater. She wasn't actually overweight! She was just a little plump on the hips, which isn't a sin. Worse still, her measurements were tiny, and they tutted over her having a butt worth a damn. Maybe Exercise Demon Girl was jealous because she has no boobs and boy hips.

The show basically encourages the brides-to-be to restrict their diet for six weeks, and combine that with really hard work outs. So, salad leaves for lunch, chicken with one teaspoon of rice for dinner, 5k run.

It's not sustainable. I know, it's not supposed to be. It's supposed to be a quick-fix to get you into that perfect shape for the day when all eyes are on you. But, I know that these women will immediately pile on all the pounds once they reintroduce all the carbs, cake and wine they missed out on their 6 weeks of hell.

How about a show when you say stuff like "Stop eating Doritos *all* the time. Just have a little bowl, and leave the packet in the kitchen".

Or perhaps "Eat less cheese, but you can still have it".

Shock, horror, you could even say "Cake is not banned! Just don't eat a whole cake."

I simply don't believe that you need to get rid of all cake and wine and pasta to be able to stay fit. To get a seriously athletic figure, I admit, you'll probably need to get yourself some sort of plan designed for $28123o by some Dr Whatever in London, or LA. But, if you're just a regular sort of person looking to be a size 12 again, I reckon cutting down on the bad stuff, not eliminating, would be sufficient, as well as exercising, of course.

I've got the first half down. I'm eating normal sized portions again rather than the huge American portions I ate Stateside. Most of my old favourites are back, but I'm not eating cream cheese every day (delicious sacrifice, sadface).

Now I need to get the exercise bit in.

~~~

Turns out the show Bulging Brides have a Wikipedia page. Something tells me that there may have been some editing here.

No woman wants to be a bulging bride! (except those women who are confident in themselves, and believe the marriage ceremony is not about looking like a pretty princess, but instead about two people joining their lives together)

Right on!