I don't think that I'm a Christian anymore.
With some help, I logic-ed my way through things, and I shrugged off Catholicism easily, and realised that, although I have some personal morals and beliefs that coincide with Christian ones, I don't really believe the essential Christian stuff... so, yeah. It's kinda weird. I don't have a problem with being around Christians, or being in the Chaplaincy, and I might start going to Christian Focus Sunday meals again, because I miss the company, but... my mind is totally open. I'm accepting that there's more to my beliefs than what's easiest to do family-wise.
Here's my thoughts about this new section of my spiritual journey...
I want to bring my kids up secular, which I've always kinda wanted to do anyway. Kids are so easily told lies - I tell my 13 year old brother lies which he still believes readily despite the fact he knows I lie. So, is it fair to tell kids lovely stories about heaven and stuff and imprint ideas in their minds before they're too young to say no?
I'm not going back to church. I always used to use it as a place to "recover" from a lapse in faith, which, when I think about it, is totally dumb. I always used to just absorb myself in the ceremony of it all, and sing as loudly as I could because I love singing, and detach myself from the meaning, which isn't the point at all. You're supposed to go to church to pray, and do the Catholic things, believe the Catholic things, agree with the viewpoints and be willing to explain and convince others so that they might "understand" the way you do...
But... I don't think gay people are inherently bad people. A lot of them are very considerate and patient and put up with a lot of crap from people who think they have the moral highground because of whatever thousand-year-old religious text they like to read. And, I don't think abortion's a good thing to do [it's gross and really traumatic] but it shouldn't be banned. I use contraception because I think it's okay to be intimate with someone before marriage and I can't really have kids right now, can I? Terrible idea. :p
I still love Christmas though. I don't like the commercialism, and I can't stand Santa. It's just... what kind of parents tell their children that a weird old guy is coming down the chimney with flying reindeer to give them Christmas presents if they're good, or coal if they're bad? Hell, I might prefer the coal. It's going to be worth a LOT very soon. I don't intend on telling my kids that Santa exists in a literal sense. As a concept, I guess he's okay... unless you are a child that has no other source of present hope except from "Santa"... hmm. Anyway, Christmas.
It's fun, right? You get to eat turkey and stuffing - although you can technically do that every day, you never really do it apart from Chrimble. And, I like playing the piano, and singing the alto parts to all the really old Christmas and Advent hymns, because the music is so beautiful. It's so thoughtful and reflective. Even if you don't believe, you have to love the harmonies.
And, you get to sing the stupid 70s Christmas hits that you still don't hate because you hear them so rarely.
But, Christmas is okay, I guess. It's nice to give people you care about presents. I liked giving D his presents. I like making him happy. :)
So to summarise... I like Christmas, but I don't really *get* it anymore. I'm undecided about Easter. I'll cross that hurdle when I get there, I suppose. I don't mind Christians, as long as they don't expect me to suddenly backtrack all this thinking I've been doing here after quoting a couple of Bible verses.
I guess that none of this is really new to me. I don't believe anything drastically different to what I did when I was 12 or so, getting my First Holy Communion done because Nana said so.
Well... as I said, I keep an open mind. If I rediscover Christianity later, so be it. If I stay here, that's fine. We'll see how it goes...
Until then, I'm just praying [ha!] that I don't get into a heavy religious argument with any non-forgiving atheists [like some of the guys in debating...] cos that's just too much right now.
It's a funny time for all of this, isn't it? Christmas is the second most important celebration of the creation of the Christian faith, after all...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
*sigh*
I don't like this bit... the waiting bit.
Waiting to fall asleep isn't fun. I'm still working on East Coast time, so I'm not really that sleepy right now, although I gotta kick myself back into a pattern... Spose I'd better set the alarm for 9:30am. I'm yawning now, which is a good sign, and I'll leave the curtains half-open so that I might end up waking naturally which I like better than alarms.
Waiting to see D isn't fun either. It's rubbish waking up with nobody to kiss before you have to start your day, or having nobody to cuddle when you have a lousy day. I miss his hair and his eyes and his silliness. He's just so silly and he makes me giggle and I miss that. It'll be nice to have him around again...
Waiting for a suitcase... Mom's unpacking the suitcases from the cruise, and I require two small-ish suitcases for all my clothes, so I'm just waiting for her to choose one. [Take your time... it's not like I'm leaving in two days or anything...!]
At least I'm not dying tonight. The plan for tonight is to not experience any random pain, and not have to call the emergency doctor guys. The plan is sleep.
~~~
Before I sleep though... I think I'll start a new post about religion... it's kinda big.
Waiting to fall asleep isn't fun. I'm still working on East Coast time, so I'm not really that sleepy right now, although I gotta kick myself back into a pattern... Spose I'd better set the alarm for 9:30am. I'm yawning now, which is a good sign, and I'll leave the curtains half-open so that I might end up waking naturally which I like better than alarms.
Waiting to see D isn't fun either. It's rubbish waking up with nobody to kiss before you have to start your day, or having nobody to cuddle when you have a lousy day. I miss his hair and his eyes and his silliness. He's just so silly and he makes me giggle and I miss that. It'll be nice to have him around again...
Waiting for a suitcase... Mom's unpacking the suitcases from the cruise, and I require two small-ish suitcases for all my clothes, so I'm just waiting for her to choose one. [Take your time... it's not like I'm leaving in two days or anything...!]
At least I'm not dying tonight. The plan for tonight is to not experience any random pain, and not have to call the emergency doctor guys. The plan is sleep.
~~~
Before I sleep though... I think I'll start a new post about religion... it's kinda big.
Monday, December 29, 2008
If only it was always so easy...
I was feeling a bit low today, and after dinner, I read my How To Do Just About Everything book.
I started with How To Roast A Chicken, and learnt lots of things, such as how to not freak out on the first date, how to get divorced, how to tell your child about sex, and how to make your cat not eat your new baby.
Cats and babies... awww.
I saw a really cute kitten in Grenada. I secretly named her Diffy.
:) Meh. Work tomorrow?
I started with How To Roast A Chicken, and learnt lots of things, such as how to not freak out on the first date, how to get divorced, how to tell your child about sex, and how to make your cat not eat your new baby.
Cats and babies... awww.
I saw a really cute kitten in Grenada. I secretly named her Diffy.
:) Meh. Work tomorrow?
Bizarro...
There are so many things that I want to SRS BSNS blog about, or at least just sit and think and try and work out what's going on. Instead of doing that, and upsetting myself repeatedly with each topic, I could just put it all into bullet points, risk upsetting myself once, and just getting on with it.
You never know. I might not even be sad, I might just feel relieved. Here it goes!
I'm back onto ANTM again, Cycle 4. One of my favourites. Naima's great.
It's weird to think I'll never see my lesbian cruise friends again. Danielle, Michelle, Melanie - three awesome ladies that showed me that you can be a regular person with a regular life and just date women. You don't have to wear rainbows and be part of a gay group... you can just be you. I forget that a lot, and worry about it... and I shouldn't.
\ldots
Well... I guess I should start my day. Ciao.
You never know. I might not even be sad, I might just feel relieved. Here it goes!
- Essay. Assignment. Maths inadequacy. The fact that EVERYONE ELSE IS TOTALLY FINE and they're counting words and I'm just trying to work out how the fuck Hensel's Lemma could possibly be the most useful p-adic lemma ever since it seems totally useless to me.
- I am talking to my ex about getting married. Well, he wants to get married, and he's talking to me about it, and it's weird to think that this time last year, we ate quiche and watched a movie and partially broke his bed.
- I think I'm having coffee with another ex. Just coffee. I want to be friends with him, and help him out, cos he's useless on his own, and I don't want to end up with us being 40 and he just feels as stuck as he was when he was 19.
- The Killers... are on loop. Why? Cos I did that.
- I forgot breakfast, and I'm well on the way to missing lunch. I'm just not hungry.
- The needles-in-gut pain has gone away. That is REALLY PLEASING because a week of that was the least fun thing ever.
- Thank god the cruise is over. It was nice, but I love having my own room again. My family were, and still are, driving me up the wall.
- Phone conversations suck. I want the real David back.
- I am Such An Idiot because of the key thing.
- I am blogging instead of fixing any of my problems.
I'm back onto ANTM again, Cycle 4. One of my favourites. Naima's great.
It's weird to think I'll never see my lesbian cruise friends again. Danielle, Michelle, Melanie - three awesome ladies that showed me that you can be a regular person with a regular life and just date women. You don't have to wear rainbows and be part of a gay group... you can just be you. I forget that a lot, and worry about it... and I shouldn't.
\ldots
Well... I guess I should start my day. Ciao.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
*shiver* Cold bed is cold...
This time, last year, I was still under the wicked spell of A. It's bizarre, how someone could be such an effect on a part of your life for so long... Nearly three years, we were on and off, always more off than on. There'd be interludes, where I might have someone, but then, for some reason, the circle always came back to being in his room, lovingly bruised and staring at his Star Trek DVD collection while he caught his breath and told me I was fabulous.
No more. I don't remember the exact time the chain broke, but something did. Maybe I realised that I have a future, and, right now, he doesn't.
I always had to defend A so much, things he'd say or do, the way he'd disappear for months and then just pop back into my life. The unexplained MySpace changes, his constantly mysterious relationships with his female friends... so much. I never really became a jealous mad woman unless I was talking with, or thinking about, him.
Despite the fact that I still have pretty low self-esteem, I can see that I deserve more than what A is able to give me. He promised things would be better, and he'd try harder, but... I never saw a change. It was always so much disappointment, so much bitterness.
Everyone always told me he was no good for me, and yet I always kept coming back, because I knew he would take me, and I didn't think I could do any better.
I can. I know this now. Being with D has made me realise that I'm not a horrendous person. I do deserve happiness. I do deserve someone who doesn't promise things that can't be delivered. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had, and I still think to myself that I don't deserve someone as amazing and genuine and real and funny and silly and gorgeous as him. He is my favourite.
~~~
I was contemplating in the shower, singing as I always do, and it occured to me that I hadn't written a poem for months, for over a year. Victory's sequel never got finished. I just can't write right now. I only seem to write when I am depressed.
Some of my favourite poems I've written are still a little painful for me to read now, because I'm just transported to how I felt that day when I wrote it, and the emotion is still so fresh, even though it was so long ago. It reminds me of those Bad Days in school, the times where I'd write alone, or sketch badly in a notebook constantly shoved in a bag or pocket.
If I had to choose between being happy with D and writing poetry again, I'd pick D. Every single time.
One day, I might learn how to write powerfully without actually having to be in that painful place... but, that day is not today, sadly. So, I guess that I will just have to deal with that, and read my poems, be reminded of those days, and look at the girl I once was, and compare her to the woman I am now.
I've grown... and that's so cool. And, it sounds so clichéd and stuff, but... D's really helped. First Year was so tough, and this year's so stressful, and I've never been with someone for so long, and in such a stable way, and... it's all new and cool... It's just like having \begin {cuddleh time} and the corresponding \end doesn't exist... [yes, I stole this idea from you!]
I'm tired, because it's quite late... but... Yay. I am so blessed. This is amazing. You're amazing. I am so happy, although I am temporarily sad because D is not here... but this will be corrected soon, and happiness will be mine.
A, you lost out. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if he'd actually treated me better when he was crap. I don't think about it for too long, because D is incredibly amazing in lots and lots of ways, and I am keeping my cuddleh. In a blue box.
<3
No more. I don't remember the exact time the chain broke, but something did. Maybe I realised that I have a future, and, right now, he doesn't.
I always had to defend A so much, things he'd say or do, the way he'd disappear for months and then just pop back into my life. The unexplained MySpace changes, his constantly mysterious relationships with his female friends... so much. I never really became a jealous mad woman unless I was talking with, or thinking about, him.
Despite the fact that I still have pretty low self-esteem, I can see that I deserve more than what A is able to give me. He promised things would be better, and he'd try harder, but... I never saw a change. It was always so much disappointment, so much bitterness.
Everyone always told me he was no good for me, and yet I always kept coming back, because I knew he would take me, and I didn't think I could do any better.
I can. I know this now. Being with D has made me realise that I'm not a horrendous person. I do deserve happiness. I do deserve someone who doesn't promise things that can't be delivered. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had, and I still think to myself that I don't deserve someone as amazing and genuine and real and funny and silly and gorgeous as him. He is my favourite.
~~~
I was contemplating in the shower, singing as I always do, and it occured to me that I hadn't written a poem for months, for over a year. Victory's sequel never got finished. I just can't write right now. I only seem to write when I am depressed.
Some of my favourite poems I've written are still a little painful for me to read now, because I'm just transported to how I felt that day when I wrote it, and the emotion is still so fresh, even though it was so long ago. It reminds me of those Bad Days in school, the times where I'd write alone, or sketch badly in a notebook constantly shoved in a bag or pocket.
If I had to choose between being happy with D and writing poetry again, I'd pick D. Every single time.
One day, I might learn how to write powerfully without actually having to be in that painful place... but, that day is not today, sadly. So, I guess that I will just have to deal with that, and read my poems, be reminded of those days, and look at the girl I once was, and compare her to the woman I am now.
I've grown... and that's so cool. And, it sounds so clichéd and stuff, but... D's really helped. First Year was so tough, and this year's so stressful, and I've never been with someone for so long, and in such a stable way, and... it's all new and cool... It's just like having \begin {cuddleh time} and the corresponding \end doesn't exist... [yes, I stole this idea from you!]
I'm tired, because it's quite late... but... Yay. I am so blessed. This is amazing. You're amazing. I am so happy, although I am temporarily sad because D is not here... but this will be corrected soon, and happiness will be mine.
A, you lost out. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if he'd actually treated me better when he was crap. I don't think about it for too long, because D is incredibly amazing in lots and lots of ways, and I am keeping my cuddleh. In a blue box.
<3
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Half-formed wishes and disjointed blogging...
[I frequently "spoonerise" words and phrases, so I often say "half-warmed fishes".]
I wish I had more confidence. I wish I was braver.
I have... so much I want to say. So much I want to be. I wanted to be queen of the world when I was younger. I've taken my ambitions down a notch - I just want a nice life now. But...
I'm scared! Am I good enough to reach for what I want?
The answer is: of course I'm good enough to try and reach for what I want! Whether I can actually achieve it is irrelevant. Everyone's entitled to try to reach for the stars.
~~~
Being away from David, and away from my own place, is getting to me a bit... I made my dad a shopping list of Proper Food to buy, because all we had was square white value bread, a variety of boxes in the freezer and cookies. Lots and lots of cookies.
We have some real chicken - chicken breasts, not those tiny chicken pieces from the freezer. I managed to find some frozen veggies, and I got Dad to buy some more, and some ham, and soup, and it's cool. I feel better now that I have some familiar foods around.
~~~
Argh! Essay, essay. I don't know anything about rings and ideals, and they are ESSENTIAL to my essay. Good grief.
I hope that I will be able to turn out a good piece of work. I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to be going for, but I'm scared to email the lecturer in case it's just... totally not right.
More fear, more fear.
~~~
To finish, a quote from Ratatouille, one of the best Pixar films I've seen:
So cute. <3
I wish I had more confidence. I wish I was braver.
I have... so much I want to say. So much I want to be. I wanted to be queen of the world when I was younger. I've taken my ambitions down a notch - I just want a nice life now. But...
I'm scared! Am I good enough to reach for what I want?
The answer is: of course I'm good enough to try and reach for what I want! Whether I can actually achieve it is irrelevant. Everyone's entitled to try to reach for the stars.
~~~
Being away from David, and away from my own place, is getting to me a bit... I made my dad a shopping list of Proper Food to buy, because all we had was square white value bread, a variety of boxes in the freezer and cookies. Lots and lots of cookies.
We have some real chicken - chicken breasts, not those tiny chicken pieces from the freezer. I managed to find some frozen veggies, and I got Dad to buy some more, and some ham, and soup, and it's cool. I feel better now that I have some familiar foods around.
~~~
Argh! Essay, essay. I don't know anything about rings and ideals, and they are ESSENTIAL to my essay. Good grief.
I hope that I will be able to turn out a good piece of work. I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to be going for, but I'm scared to email the lecturer in case it's just... totally not right.
More fear, more fear.
~~~
To finish, a quote from Ratatouille, one of the best Pixar films I've seen:
I would've followed the recipe, I would've followed your advice. I would've followed your advice 'til the ends of the Earth because I love you...r advice.
So cute. <3
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Kevin Bacon?
Sure, we're all connected to Kevin Bacon, apparently, in six steps or less. Meh. My ex, a self-confessed man-whore, has dated a woman who slept with Russell Brand, so I'm sure I'm pretty close with that.
What I find really weird is when I find myself forming two completely distinct social groups, and then realising there's a link between them...
Example the First: the aforementioned ex, and my current boyfriend.
I met the ex through a friend I met in a chatroom. It's an excellent story (sort of). I was 15 (ish), he was 22 (ish) but I think he shaved off a couple of years so I'd keep talking to him. Ha. We talked, we talked more, and we almost ended up together. But one fateful LiveJournal entry stopped that from happening... The ex thing happened - we all know that story - and I met David at university. Given his spartan approach to friendmaking (keep very few around you, but make them AWESOME) I didn't expect the manwhore to be connected to him at all.
Ex knows Jo, I have no idea how. They probably just met or slept together. Jo is the sister of Hagrid, Hagrid being O's significant figure, and O being a school friend, and regular friend, of David.
Freaked me out when Facebook alerted me to this!
My other examples are not quite so cool, but still a little bit weird.
School connecting with debating. Do not like. School wasn't horrendous - I wasn't bullied, or beaten - it was just... a bit crap. University's bringing out the best in me, and school brought out the worst. Regarding the people from school, I'm partly sad and partly not... I only talk to two people from school regularly. It's reaffirmed what I always thought about most of my schoolfriends; we we friends because of proximity, and lack of another clique to join. It wasn't really much due to who I am as a person, otherwise they would have kept me.
Anyway!
Debater, Claire. Lives in Rootes with Minch, a boy who was in my Latin class, ignored me most of the time and was slightly snarky with me the rest of the time. He took a gap year, travelled the world, came to the same uni as me to study Classics. I saw him the other day, and we just muttered hi and walked away. I wasn't ignored, I wasn't fully acknowledged. I was quite happy. :p
Debater, Ed. Has a (cute!) girlfriend, Jess, who is friends with Caroline, a girl I actually did quite like at school. Couple years younger than me, but fun to hang out with in the school hours when we just happened to be in the same area. Ed does live within 10 miles of me, so I guess it was to be expected. :)
Facebook told me all about these lovely connections I have with people. My ideal situation of having empty intersections between sets of friends (I don't count myself as being a person linking groups here) has been somewhat sledgehammered to bits and then put into cake, and nommed by David, who likes the nom.
Oh well. Given that I've not got very much left to hide anyway, I don't think it's a problem anymore.
What I find really weird is when I find myself forming two completely distinct social groups, and then realising there's a link between them...
Example the First: the aforementioned ex, and my current boyfriend.
I met the ex through a friend I met in a chatroom. It's an excellent story (sort of). I was 15 (ish), he was 22 (ish) but I think he shaved off a couple of years so I'd keep talking to him. Ha. We talked, we talked more, and we almost ended up together. But one fateful LiveJournal entry stopped that from happening... The ex thing happened - we all know that story - and I met David at university. Given his spartan approach to friendmaking (keep very few around you, but make them AWESOME) I didn't expect the manwhore to be connected to him at all.
Ex knows Jo, I have no idea how. They probably just met or slept together. Jo is the sister of Hagrid, Hagrid being O's significant figure, and O being a school friend, and regular friend, of David.
Freaked me out when Facebook alerted me to this!
My other examples are not quite so cool, but still a little bit weird.
School connecting with debating. Do not like. School wasn't horrendous - I wasn't bullied, or beaten - it was just... a bit crap. University's bringing out the best in me, and school brought out the worst. Regarding the people from school, I'm partly sad and partly not... I only talk to two people from school regularly. It's reaffirmed what I always thought about most of my schoolfriends; we we friends because of proximity, and lack of another clique to join. It wasn't really much due to who I am as a person, otherwise they would have kept me.
Anyway!
Debater, Claire. Lives in Rootes with Minch, a boy who was in my Latin class, ignored me most of the time and was slightly snarky with me the rest of the time. He took a gap year, travelled the world, came to the same uni as me to study Classics. I saw him the other day, and we just muttered hi and walked away. I wasn't ignored, I wasn't fully acknowledged. I was quite happy. :p
Debater, Ed. Has a (cute!) girlfriend, Jess, who is friends with Caroline, a girl I actually did quite like at school. Couple years younger than me, but fun to hang out with in the school hours when we just happened to be in the same area. Ed does live within 10 miles of me, so I guess it was to be expected. :)
Facebook told me all about these lovely connections I have with people. My ideal situation of having empty intersections between sets of friends (I don't count myself as being a person linking groups here) has been somewhat sledgehammered to bits and then put into cake, and nommed by David, who likes the nom.
Oh well. Given that I've not got very much left to hide anyway, I don't think it's a problem anymore.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
