Hold your hats, folks!

At some point, I made a calendar of the last three weeks of term. I had planned for a couple people to come visit, as well as the Pride-y, debate-y things I'd hoped to do. Attend all the socials, read and gym in the gaps between.

What actually happened is some Tristan time, and lots of other random things creeping in. LGBT Midlands Coalition meetings, WSAF gigs, meetings with David Preiss (DAVID PREISS!), and so on.

In particular, the last five days have been particularly challenging. I suppose I didn't realise quite how challenging until last night, when, in a delirious haze of exhaustion and headpain, I made a cake and then fell asleep almost instantly.

So. This is what I have done recently.

Thursday: Meeting with David Preiss about 4th year project. To get ready for this, I'd had to read a 12-page document, and then read as much as I could about integration in general. On top of this, my brother had given me a piece of work to do too (writing some text for a website), due for Friday. So, already, the week had been quite full of writing and reading. The meeting went really well, then as soon as it was over, Tristan and I drove madly down the motorway to get to my brother's prize giving. After mingling and wine and dinner and "look this is the family house", we drove all the way back.

Friday: At some point in the early morning, say 3:30, we fell asleep. (I don't have a great deal to say about that bit apart from that it was both fun and amazing.) Woke up, eventually, got my brother's work done and emailed to him by the deadline, then rushed into the shower to see my housemate's band play their final ever gig, at WSAF. Came home, made food, went back out, Crash time. Oh, Crash. Drunken, dance-fuelled madness. Nick, Richard, Zal, Mash, Buzz, Engineering Matt, faces and crowds and wonderful things.

Saturday: Entirely unwonderful things, to start. Including lots of chundering. (I did party extremely hard). Hangover started to subside at about 4 or 5, just in time to rush into the shower AGAIN and get to campus in time for dinner in the Duck and watching more bands play at WSAF including the very fun Lilac Joke, and the ever-awesome Hot Magenta. Then, onto Last Exit. More bands, more dancing, and GUITAR HERO which was really good. I chose to play King Crimson. Seven minutes of guitar noodling at an almost impossible pace. Then, Matt and Buzz played Rush, "The Spirit Of Radio". LOL. That was hilariously awful. But, impossible to play. In the end, it turned out that Matt and Buzz had been looking at each other's corners, so they were playing the wrong stuff :P (Matt still won though). After a while, Tash and I crashed out, so Mash and I went home.

Sunday: A relatively relaxing day. Bus trips around the Canley area to pick up icing pens, since my local supermarket doesn't sell them big enough, and it was too hot to walk around, hence the bus. Finally got home, made some chocolate cake, watched England get thrashed. Iced the cake, decorated the cake, went to campus and back to give Katie a disc for the last acronym film social. Early bed time in time for the day ahead.

Monday: 6:45am start, for a 7:45am taxi onto campus, arriving minutes to 8, to await my lift. Why this horrifically real-person start? To teach debating at a school in the Banbury area! A full day with a group of Year 12s. I had a crib sheet, and it worked pretty well. I was nervous at first, but I grew to feed off their enthusiasm and really enjoyed watching the quieter girls grow in confidence over the course of the day. Lunch was 25 minutes, break was 10, the whole day finished at about 5 or so. Got to campus again at about 6 ish. Went to see Tristan. Began to feel kinda tired. Realised I had a cake to make for him. Took a taxi home, collapsed a bit. After resting for a while, I dragged myself outside to get Chinese takeout and then came home and ate it. I felt a bit better, so made the cake bases. By now, it was approaching 10. I realised I didn't have enough icing sugar. Left the house again to get it. Called home; a family member had died. I'm borrowing some of Mom's black clothes to wear for the funeral. (My first ever funeral, occurring the day before we go on holiday.) Mom'd also been to A&E, for some really bad allergic reaction she had. Got home eventually, icing sugar in tow, fell asleep for about 30 minutes. I couldn't help it, I was just so tired and hurty. All the lights and sounds of the house were just throbbing in my head and my eyes. However, I got myself up, took some Norah Jones downstairs on Audrey and dimmed the lights in the kitchen and iced the cake. After this epic set of manly endeavours, I went to bed and passed out.

I'm not sure exactly what possessed me to ignore everything my body was telling me, so I could finish that cake. It's like I found a strength somewhere. I'm glad I did it though. Not sure I'd have forgiven myself if I hadn't. Cake is SRS BSNS.

I guess people do crazy things when they're in... summertime. Yes, when they are in summertime. (That is clearly the word I want to use.)

Stop.

At about 8:20pm on Friday night, I finally admitted to myself that I wasn't okay. Things had got out of hand, and my head was a mess. I couldn't cope any more.

I thought of 13 Going On 30, kinda stupid movie, but I like it anyway. Jenna, 13, with the help of nondescript movie magic, becomes Jenna, 30. After a whole bunch of grown-up things are thrown at her, she feels overwhelmed and goes home to her parents, who make her pancakes and make her feel better.

So, I went home. I made the pancakes though.

I'm going back tomorrow morning. I'm behind on work; I doubt I'll catch up the time I've had to take out. Still, I think I needed it. I don't think I'd have done much better there.

I feel kinda weak, a bit ashamed. I let the situation get to me, I let it break me. But, I know that everyone has limits, and I reached mine and I should just accept it, recover and come back stronger.

I'm not sure where I'm going to go now. I guess I should just take care of myself. I'm clearly more delicate than I think I am. So, reducing stress, trying to focus on the maths ahead of me. I can do it. (Of course I can.)

West Coast Smoker

I've always wanted to visit West Coast America. California, Oregon, Washington. In fact, I just want to do all fifty states at some point. There's probably something cool to see in all of them, not necessarily all as sparkly and mental as Las Vegas or New York, but still, something quirky and interesting. Like, Connecticut has Yale, that might be cool to visit. California has California girls, so DEFINITELY worth a look there!

My parents always like to take us on holiday to the same places every time. New York, Florida, Caribbean. New York and Caribbean aren't for the touristy thing though, we go for family. So, that hardly counts as a holiday - you get to spend a couple of weeks in other people's living rooms instead of your own, except they don't get the BBC and all their TV is interrupted every five minutes by adverts of erectile dysfunction and weight loss pills if you're Stateside, or every ten minutes by soft drink and carnival ads in the Caribbean. Redeeming feature: the carnival ads have pretty girls wearing next to nothing dancing. (Apparently it's okay to say that cos I'm not a guy.)

Anyway, the point is, they go to the same places every time. It's nice, and I quite like it, but I get bored. But, I guess they like that we go to the same places every time. Like, you know what you'll get, if you just go to I-Drive every other year and go to the same Disney/Universal theme parks.

I remember last time though, things had changed a bit. The first time I went, I was about 8 or 9 when I went the first time, so it was like a fucking paradise. Last time I went was the summer before university so, I was 18 and a half. I guess I just saw everything as an exercise in using pester power to line the pockets of some CEO somewhere.

I can see why they'd choose to the same places every time though. You don't have to worry about the culture being too removed, you don't have to bring phrasebooks, you can recognise the letters and the signposts. It's just like being at home, except people say "candy" and "elevator" and the bacon is too crispy and inedible.

You do miss out on exciting stuff, though. Trying new foods, learning a language on the fly, adjusting to unusual social customs; there's the chance of learning lots and gaining funny tales to tell later when you get home (even if they're anything but funny at the time!)

So, you have a choice. Safety and the potential for mind-numbing boredom, or mild terror and the reward of finding out something new you actually quite like.

I'll take mild terror for $200, Alex.

Truffles!

I did making truffles with mommy today! We measured and melted chocolate, added cream, let it set in the fridge, scooped and shaped it into balls, coated the balls in different things, and then put the balls into little cake cases. There are four varieties, each with a different colour cake case:

• Red: Milk chocolate truffles, flavoured with rum and vanilla, coated in ground pistachios.
• Green: Milk chocolate truffles, flavoured with ground almonds and vanilla, coated in ground almonds.
• Gold: White chocolate truffles, with milk chocolate swirls inside, coated in chocolate powder.
• Silver: Milk chocolate truffles, coated in chocolate powder.

The silver ones are especially for my cousin/godson. We think he might be allergic to nuts, so we made a batch especially for him that have no nuts in, and all the utensils were washed before we did his, to make sure. Plus, he's just a kid, so we made them as plain and basic as we could; that way, he can join in with us when we're enjoying all the awesome ones! ^^

It took out a whole day of studying, but it was pretty fun doing that...

F*ck this.

I hate feeling this way. I'm at home, so that's throwing up a whole lot of feelings. I've failed to mention any of the big things I wanted to this holiday (mostly David)... I know that Mom talking about wheatgrass paint and church-related drama isn't the most thrilling thing to sit through, but it's a conversation about something. She decided to tell me the stories, so that's something at least.

I feel so insecure. I know I am probably alright on my own. Like, I can be okay. I don't *require* people to support me. But it's difficult. I just feel pretty worthless to be honest.

I mean, logically, I can say quite confidently I'm not ugly, I'm kinda interesting (I knit, I like strange music, and I can get drunk off nothing but a good atmosphere), and I shouldn't feel so down about myself. I'm me! It's not that bad, really.

I feel like, once again, I've screwed it up. I didn't do it the way you're supposed to.

I really really want this to work out. And, part of it is so that I don't have to be alone, I'll admit that. But, there's more to it than that. I like him. I like him more than I like people I've known for years. It doesn't make sense, but there you go. I get excited at the idea of drinking coffee with him, for fuck's sake. I like watching TV type stuff with him, chilled out in his room. There's so many little things I like about him, things he does, things he says.

I'm scared he'll leave me. It's always seems to be the way it goes when I find someone; either I leave, or they do. Nobody ever stays. I found an email the other day, when Laney left me. Summary: "You're nice, but I don't really like you all that much and I'll probably just cheat on you when I get to uni, so, yeah. Sorry." I remember being really sad when she said that. She'd really grown on me by that point. I remember I had made her this thing out of Celebrations and Quality Street wrappers, it was really bright and colourful, and it had "Penny Laney" on it, cos that's what I called her. I think I threw it away when I read the email, but it stayed on my bedside table for quite a while before I did. For some reason, I just wanted to torture myself, a reminder of how undesirable I was.

I hate feeling this way. Powerless. I guess that's why I hate the idea of love so much. It seems to be okay if both people feel equally powerless, and they're happy with that, but I like to be in control. I like to know where things are going, what's going to happen. I only like surprises if I know they're going to be good. Then again, I hate things being boring, and it is kinda boring being in control all the time. I can't win this way. Something's gotta change (and it's probably me).

When I was younger, 14 or so, I wished that I'd fall asleep one day and wake up as someone that wouldn't fuck things up all the time. Reading through my emails the other day made me realise how little I'm actually changed in 7 years. Still selfish, still cruel, still thoughtless. I'm less like that than I was, though. I do care about people who aren't me. I found an email I'd sent to my first ex, basically acknowledging I was deliberately messing with his mind because it was fun. I don't think I'm that girl any more. I'm still capable, I'd just feel too bad about doing it.

I'm trying to be better. I am. I want to be good for him, and anybody else that might come along later. I want to be good for myself.

Stupid fucking emotions. Getting in the way of my studies. It's the human condition, I guess.

(I'll get out of feeling this way some time in the next few days, and I'll look back at this post and just think "I'm such a whiny kid. Man up!" But, you know, this is how I feel right now. :/)

Today...

Woken up at 8, asked what should Dad buy for me in the supermarket. Decided to roll out of bed, grab clothes, and just go with him. Dressed entirely like a boy (except for the skinny jeans). Bought lots of stuff.

Later in the day, I dressed entirely like a girl. Cute t-shirt, ruffly cotton layered skirt. I had hips like a goddess, which makes a change, cos my hips are actually pretty damn narrow. (Thank goodness for my butt.)

Excellent food day: Weetabix, hot milk and chopped banana; hummous, pitta bread and carrot sticks; grapes and dilute juice; cream cheese on bagel, cup of tea; Chinese take out; slice of toast.

Lazy study day. Made some progress. Easing myself into things. Doing Lie Algebras right now.

Discovered Sesame Street videos. Laughed until I cried. Flailed my limbs about in pure joy. Found a great video of Natalie Portman, dressed as an elephant, dancing with an elephant dressed as a princess. So fucking cute.

Talked to Tristan and Dave about things and stuff. Nothing too deep. Linked them to all the Sesame Street stuff.

Watched a gymnastics movie with a Fall Out Boy soundtrack. Kickass.

Had a two hour nap while the Budget was on the TV. Woke up to see Nick Clegg asking politicians to cut the crap and tell the truth.

Listened to Dancing With Myself, and Imagine (the originals, not the Glee covers).

"That's very smart, Banana, very smart."

Today was a pretty good day. Doesn't quite beat the day in the Bullring with a Krispy Kreme, though.

Weekend of...?

This weekend, after lectures, I'm going home, then going to London.

My parents are renewing their vows.

One of the best speakers in debating asked me if I'd like to compete with him in Leeds, and I had to turn him down. Of course, something this important to my family is more important than a competition, but still, it'd have been really great to speak with him that much.

I hope it won't be too awkward. I have lots of new paperbacks now, of varying sizes, so I can slip a couple thin ones into my bag and it might not be so bad.

VERY busy week to look forward to though. Pride Q&A panel stuff, movies, Hornblower, more movies, meetings, socials, lectures, all that jazz.

On top of that, it seems like I should get started with revision in earnest quite soon. Four weeks of term left, five weeks of holiday before the exam slaughter begins. I've been reading through notes, revisiting notation, relearning definitions. My plan is to start to seriously look at example sheets and move onto exam papers, and looking at important exam-condition-provable results from the course.

So, there's lots and lots going on. So far, I'm just running around madly between everything I'm doing and getting tired but still enjoying everything. It's a good thing I'm an optimist with a seemingly endless Supply of Emergency Joy to call upon.

In other news, swimming has made my arms look sexier. SCORE!

... until my eyes bleed.

When I went to Leeds one time, to visit Lovely Boyfriend Type Thing, I ended up in a shop of knitting materials with his mother. I left with my purse considerably lighter, and I had impulse-bought a Very Large ball of jade yarn, and a pattern for a ladies sweater.

I attempted the sweater pattern shortly after, and then gave up. I'm used to doing scarves and hats - you see progress much quicker with those. Each row took too long to knit, and the shaping was a bit confusing for me. In hindsight, it was a little too much for me to take on, given my attention span at all. However, I have retained the pattern (somewhere!) and I will dig it out one day.

Many moons after the Pattern Fail, I found a much simpler unisex pattern for a sweater vest on the blagoblag. Much less shaping, no sleeves and very little assembly afterwards. It looked good. I begun it.

Five weeks later, the end of term arrived. I'd done the back of the sweater vest. By this point, I'd realised that I could make this for my little brother, so I asked my mom for some measurements, which she gave me after two weeks of waiting.

Term ended less than a week ago. In those few days, I have achieved what it took nearly four weeks to do. I am eight inches, a neckline and some stitching away from pure and utter victory against this 400g behemoth ball of yarn.

However, as with all worthy challenges, there are obstacles. I'm going away on Friday until Sunday; I'll be in London. I'm also away next Monday until Wednesday; I'll be with Lovely Boyfriend. Chrimble Day is next Friday. So, there's not a great deal of time left.

I've been knitting for a very long time. It feels like a bit of a marathon. I've got so far though, it seems a shame to give up, which is why I cannot give up, and must keep going. I must keep knitting...

... until my eyes bleed.

(Well, maybe not that far.)

So, where have you been?

I've been... around. Busy. Very busy.

Third year is supposed to be less busy, at least in terms of lectures. With 15 and 18 CATS per one-term module, instead of 12, hitting the same number of CATS as I did last year (give or take a couple) should mean I actually have more free time?

Well, not exactly. If your timetable includes four 9am starts, two days of 9am-6pm, and one until 5pm, it doesn't bring the biggest grin on your face. Luckily, my body's easily adjusted to "get to bed at 11, wake at 7:15", and the only side effect is that I wake up at about 8:30 at the weekends, instead of enjoying a lie in. Oh no, more productive weekends! :p

I've been really getting into doing Pride things. I've been to most of the Monday/Wednesday socials at the Duck, going to the Welcome Buffet, attending the OGM, and even putting in motions. We now have an Ethnic Minorities rep, and I've become That Person Who Actually Reads The Constitution, and it's always good to have one of those.

While the kitten's away, however, it seems that the mice have been playing - and not nicely, either. Thankfully, the threat of returning to a broken home has pretty much subsided, and the process of healing the rifts begins. M, D and Brother all went to Paris, and as far as I can tell, it went quite well.

At uni, there are freshers! Masses of them. Any time I see a cute one, I always get a twinge of "They look REALLY jailbaity", because most of them are just 18. I have some Maths kids, and I teach them how to converge sequences. I also have Pride kids, one of whom is on the exec already. My families tend to be quite exec-oriented; my last husband was Campaigns, my current hubby is Secretary, and out of my first brood came the current Bi Rep. Weird!

Generally, life is good. I've taken to being incredibly optimistic about pretty much everything. Even the stuff that's unjustifiably awful. The only thing that really gets me is the speed of the bloody internet. How fucking slow can it be? I've had dial-up that was faster than this!

I've decided to knit a sweater. The idea is that it will fit my skinny 14-year old brother (although, by the time it's actually done, he'd probably be my skinny 15-year old brother). It's a pretty shade of deep turquoise.

I still have the same boyfriend. We went on holiday to London. We ate dinner together on the bed, and watched The Truman Show. At some point, I gained a tractor beam (don't ask). I still think he's wonderful.

What more is to be said? I could say more, but I'll leave that to another post. Until next time, faithful reader.

Cute idea time!

I learnt how to make American pancakes today. They're not an exact replica of a Proper American pancake, since most authentic recipes require the use of buttermilk. So, my result felt and looked like a good ole IHOP stack, but tasted like a Shrove Tuesday pancake. Not bad at all!

So, instead of dinner, I had pancakes. My brother had some too. We enjoyed them muchly. Then, we had an idea.

Our mother LOVES pancakes, you see. When we go to America, she'd eat them with some eggs and toast and a cup of coffee, and perhaps a bit of French toast. Every Sunday at home, after JesusGodbloodmagic time, we have a large breakfast, like a brunch. Sausages, eggs, fish fingers, beans, toast, bacon (if we have any) and lots of tea.

Our idea is to surprise Mother by making her a stack of pancakes to go with her usual breakfast. (No French toast though, because I don't like it as much.) This is aimed to be a gesture of my general appreciation for her existance. Aww.

Family lols.

My brother is a stubborn 14 year old with a love of the phrase "Yeah, but...".

My mother is a stubborn woman with a name that means "spear strength."

Cue the fireworks.

The hunt begins...

I'm spending roughly 36 hours in my hometown, with my parents. During this time, I hope to job hunt.

The ideal plan is to wake up in time to get a lift with my father to the other side of town - that's where he drops off my cousin and brother so they can attend school. From there, I will do the two shopping parks, then move into town.

An exhausting task - I might ask my dad for some money for coffee.

I should probably get to bed then. It'd make things logistically easier if I do all the rounds early in the day. That way, if I do find positions, I can fill in forms over lunch, and go back round to hand in forms.

I should try to dress well tomorrow, make a good impression.

Not a good day.

I feel ill. I left my three essay-essential books at home, so Dad's having to do four hours of driving for me today. (He's amazing. I can't think of how to repay him for this.)

I'm just waiting for him to arrive so I can get to Leeds quickly, and be in the arms of the man I love...

*sigh*

I remember.

I was 11, 12. I remember that summer where we went to the Caribbean, first time in quite a while. I got bitten to death by sand flies and mosquitoes and managed to obtain a water blister with a base the size of a 10p coin. I kid you not. If you look closely at my left calf, near the ankle, you can still see the faint patch of skin that's a little darker where it was. I remember visiting Grenada, seeing my Auntie Flossie and Uncle Andrew. Techincally, Flossie is my dad's cousin, but who's counting.

He would go into the "front garden", this huge wire-fenced patch outside the house, and he'd look after the rows of sugar cane he'd grow. He'd bring some up, cut it, and we'd suck the juice. I always thought it was weird that sugar came from sugar cane, because they taste so different, but in some ways they taste just the same.

~~

I was slightly older. 12 by this point, maybe. We'd driven to a hospital. My parents told me Uncle Andrew had been flown to England because he wasn't well, and we were going to visit him. The waiting room was very quiet, and white. After a little while, all the adults went to go and visit him. They wouldn't let me come.

~~~

I was slightly older again. 13. Still in prep school. I was eating lunch, and it just hit me that Uncle Andrew was dead. Dead forever and that he wouldn't be coming back. No matter how many times I would visit Grenada, he'd never be there to look after the sugar cane, and give me a piece. I remember just crying at the table over my food, and nobody knew why, except me.

~~~

My cousin's status on Facebook reminded me of him. Actually, I was talking about him with one of my parents the other day, and we realised it was around this time of year that he left.

There's not much left to say about that.

Frustration.

When we went on the last cruise, Dad decided to film lots of bits of it. A few weeks ago, he asked me if it was possible to send video clips as email attachments, because he wanted the family in the Caribbean to see them. I told him that, since the files were several hundred megabytes each, that it wouldn't work very well.

He then asked if I could make a DVD for him to send. I said, yes, a DVD is possible.

So, I started work. He'd put all the video clips on the PC for me to sort, then I began to import them into Windows Movie Maker. All was well, and I got the first section done.

Next time I tried to work, the video clips would play, but there was no audio. The speakers were quite happy to scare me half to death with Rihanna though. So, I couldn't do anything, and I left it.

This morning, Dad tells me to do the DVD thing again, and he won't tell me again. (Something tells me that making this DVD is payment for Audrey's replacement charger.) So, I go downstairs, still no audio. I tell him this. He says, "Can you have a look at it?"

I open the original files, I open the Movie Maker, no sound from the video anywhere. I tell him this repeatedly.

He then says, "Can you - oh, forget it. Leave it. Just go."

I say, "Tell me what you want me to do. I can't do anything for you unless you finish your question?"

He then says, "Can you just have another look at it?"

Most helpful question ever?!

So, now I'm on Google, and it turns out that no audio is a fairly common problem, but finding the correct solution will take a little while - something about finding the right codec. I really don't have time for this. I want to spend time with my friends, and have a little holiday in my holiday, but I have this essay to write, this revision to do, and honestly, I don't want to do this DVD. Can I just do it in the summer, or some other time where I have no responsibilities?

I don't have the time for this.

Best thing is, he says, "If this was your project, you'd spend all the time you could on it."

Yes. At a time convenient for me!! >_<

Another corporation-endorsed day to celebrate a group of people.

This Sunday, it's mothers. Despite the rubbish and the fail on occasions, she's been okay. We've managed to have some proper conversations when I've come home from university. I'm still her daughter, but I'm also an adult too, and I think she's starting to respect that.

I got her a weird Egyptian god ornament for the mantelpiece. She loves that kinda stuff. Last year for her birthday, I got her a set of Chinese ornamental vases, and she liked those too. (Thank fuck to the 99p store.) I also got her a card, with some words I thought she might like too. It basically was, "Yay, Mom."

After the thanks and stuff, Mom and my brother (Dave) went to go prepare for church. Dave was like, "Come with us to church, come with us," and Mom was just telling him, "Get ready, get ready."

Now, is this her way of appreciating I don't want to come to church with us, and not really being able to say it directly? Am I being taken pseudo-seriously as an adult? Or was she simply trying to get Dave to shower?

Whatever. I'm not really bothered either way. I feel good today. However, it's not even 9am. Still got plenty of time to make today rubbish. :D

*disgruntled noises*

I feel totally and entirely demotivated.

I've managed to finally apply for Student finance. At least that's one thing less to think about.

The weather is finally picking up. I can go out in a sweater without a coat, which is nice.

I'm trying a Sufjan Stevens / Death Cab for Cutie mix on iTunes, to see if it will perk me up a bit. So far, no results.

I feel... drained. Like, someone just took my energy and will to do stuff. I know I'll get out of bed eventually, and look up separable and look at orthogonal Fourier coefficients and try and get a page done today. I want to also get some more Algebra done today, I'm totally avoiding it.

I can see the sunlight shifting slightly in my room. The sky looks quite nice. I checked Metcheck; it's another fine day. I don't know if I'll be going shopping with Mother. Maybe. She says she doesn't do it much these days.

I don't think I'll ever end up coming out to her. It seems like a pointless exercise. What I mean by this is that honesty is, in an ideal world, what you should always do, but when it comes to this world, people don't always perfectly rationalise, given these things called "emotions". So, someone may be able to logically think, "This is okay," and yet be emotionally, irrationally, hurt by it.

I'm so convinced they know something though. I don't know. Maybe I'm just hoping they do so I don't have to tell them. It probably doesn't matter.

I got my hair cut. I love it shorter. I might get it a little shorter again next time I go to the hairdressers. My mother freaked out when the hairdresser was cutting. I knew she was layering it a bit, so of course there would be some short bits, and Mother just kept saying, "I know what you want, just don't get it cut too short, you won't be able to do what you want." If it was too short, I'd probably just put it into two bunches until it grew out enough to go back to one ponytail, I had a back-up plan, but of course she never asked. She just assumed I didn't know a thing and that she knew what was best, and I ignored her and put my trust in the hairdresser and she did a great job. Ponytails are no problem at all.

I have various aches and pains. Knees, feet, that thing I get when I breathe in... I want to go back to sleep, but it won't do me any good.

I changed the music.

I burnt some Sims last night, but it felt quite unsatisfying. I burnt half the neighbourhood, and all the housemates, but it wasn't quite right. Maybe it's only good if you have someone to share it with.

"Obama marks"?

I was talking to my father this morning on MSN. He's getting a lot better now; he had a really bad cold and I was a bit worried, cos I wasn't really able to see him and stuff.

He asked me how work was, and I told him it was okay. There's not much more I can say than that, really. He knows that I've done So Well at school, and if I'm not getting that 100%, it just means I need to work harder. I don't know if he's ever wondered if I'm not capable of reaching it... I know I have so many times...

He had to leave, so he said goodbye, and told me to "keep reaching for Obama marks".

He's said it a few times before... somehow making this assumption that because a black man can become president in a country like America, I will suddenly be motivated to try that bit harder...

Not really. I want to do well for me... I already know that I have more opportunities than my father did, simply due to location and time. I'm trying to do as well as I can, but Obama's not really motivating me to get my essay done, or work out that M-code for Numerical Analysis. He just makes me less embarrassed to have erotic dreams featuring the POTUS.

*sigh*

Sometimes, I don't really get him...

*sigh*

I don't like this bit... the waiting bit.

Waiting to fall asleep isn't fun. I'm still working on East Coast time, so I'm not really that sleepy right now, although I gotta kick myself back into a pattern... Spose I'd better set the alarm for 9:30am. I'm yawning now, which is a good sign, and I'll leave the curtains half-open so that I might end up waking naturally which I like better than alarms.

Waiting to see D isn't fun either. It's rubbish waking up with nobody to kiss before you have to start your day, or having nobody to cuddle when you have a lousy day. I miss his hair and his eyes and his silliness. He's just so silly and he makes me giggle and I miss that. It'll be nice to have him around again...

Waiting for a suitcase... Mom's unpacking the suitcases from the cruise, and I require two small-ish suitcases for all my clothes, so I'm just waiting for her to choose one. [Take your time... it's not like I'm leaving in two days or anything...!]

At least I'm not dying tonight. The plan for tonight is to not experience any random pain, and not have to call the emergency doctor guys. The plan is sleep.

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Before I sleep though... I think I'll start a new post about religion... it's kinda big.

Bizarro...

There are so many things that I want to SRS BSNS blog about, or at least just sit and think and try and work out what's going on. Instead of doing that, and upsetting myself repeatedly with each topic, I could just put it all into bullet points, risk upsetting myself once, and just getting on with it.

You never know. I might not even be sad, I might just feel relieved. Here it goes!

• Essay. Assignment. Maths inadequacy. The fact that EVERYONE ELSE IS TOTALLY FINE and they're counting words and I'm just trying to work out how the fuck Hensel's Lemma could possibly be the most useful p-adic lemma ever since it seems totally useless to me.
• I am talking to my ex about getting married. Well, he wants to get married, and he's talking to me about it, and it's weird to think that this time last year, we ate quiche and watched a movie and partially broke his bed.
• I think I'm having coffee with another ex. Just coffee. I want to be friends with him, and help him out, cos he's useless on his own, and I don't want to end up with us being 40 and he just feels as stuck as he was when he was 19.
• The Killers... are on loop. Why? Cos I did that.
• I forgot breakfast, and I'm well on the way to missing lunch. I'm just not hungry.
• The needles-in-gut pain has gone away. That is REALLY PLEASING because a week of that was the least fun thing ever.
• Thank god the cruise is over. It was nice, but I love having my own room again. My family were, and still are, driving me up the wall.
  
• Phone conversations suck. I want the real David back.
• I am Such An Idiot because of the key thing.
• I am blogging instead of fixing any of my problems.

I was reading emails and chat logs offline on the cruise when I couldn't get online and I remember reading that time D and I were first getting together, and it was just so fast and sudden and we'd known each other for a week or so and he asked me if I wanted to sleep with him, and I was like "no!" cos it had only been a week and we both kinda freaked out a bit, then laughed cos it was silly. He then sent me an email after, and I like to read that one a lot. It's not very long, and I doubt he even remembers sending it to me. But... it's just so him. I miss him so much. Friday will be nice.

I'm back onto ANTM again, Cycle 4. One of my favourites. Naima's great.

It's weird to think I'll never see my lesbian cruise friends again. Danielle, Michelle, Melanie - three awesome ladies that showed me that you can be a regular person with a regular life and just date women. You don't have to wear rainbows and be part of a gay group... you can just be you. I forget that a lot, and worry about it... and I shouldn't.

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Well... I guess I should start my day. Ciao.