I remember.

I was 11, 12. I remember that summer where we went to the Caribbean, first time in quite a while. I got bitten to death by sand flies and mosquitoes and managed to obtain a water blister with a base the size of a 10p coin. I kid you not. If you look closely at my left calf, near the ankle, you can still see the faint patch of skin that's a little darker where it was. I remember visiting Grenada, seeing my Auntie Flossie and Uncle Andrew. Techincally, Flossie is my dad's cousin, but who's counting.

He would go into the "front garden", this huge wire-fenced patch outside the house, and he'd look after the rows of sugar cane he'd grow. He'd bring some up, cut it, and we'd suck the juice. I always thought it was weird that sugar came from sugar cane, because they taste so different, but in some ways they taste just the same.

~~

I was slightly older. 12 by this point, maybe. We'd driven to a hospital. My parents told me Uncle Andrew had been flown to England because he wasn't well, and we were going to visit him. The waiting room was very quiet, and white. After a little while, all the adults went to go and visit him. They wouldn't let me come.

~~~

I was slightly older again. 13. Still in prep school. I was eating lunch, and it just hit me that Uncle Andrew was dead. Dead forever and that he wouldn't be coming back. No matter how many times I would visit Grenada, he'd never be there to look after the sugar cane, and give me a piece. I remember just crying at the table over my food, and nobody knew why, except me.

~~~

My cousin's status on Facebook reminded me of him. Actually, I was talking about him with one of my parents the other day, and we realised it was around this time of year that he left.

There's not much left to say about that.

Observations.

The light from outside my window is so erratic today. The sun ducks and weaves behind clouds, and it looks like someone's going mad with a big dimmer switch. I can't quite see what the weather's like behind my net curtains, but it looks like it's windy. We have a set of tall, fragile looking trees in a bunch in the garden, and they're being thrown about all over the place.

Omigosh, I have *such* a crush on Hayley Williams, from Paramore. I think pretty much the entire world does - I say the entire world, I mean all of the "I might be gay? Maybe?" teen girls who decided to get Hayley hair to match her, or teen guys who are slightly embarrassed to admit they like Paramore, or... anyone who's ever seen her and is attracted to girls. She's just so cute. She's quite Christian though, and friends with Miley Cyrus... so, maybe I'll stay out of this one.

But, if she ever wants my number... Ha, I'm just kidding.

A weird dream.

(Thankfully, no dead babies, or blood.)

I'm in a green room, wandering around, and then my housemate Matt, the drummer from his band and a girl I was friends with at school appear, and tell me to get on the stage. They manage to find some shortcut, so when I eventually find the stairs to the stage, they're already half-way up. I finally get to the top, and I see a huge stage with a giant orchestra, and two stools at the back.

I remember at this point that I was supposed to be playing the drums for Matt's band, and he was going to teach me how, but I hadn't been to any rehearsals.

I sit on one of the stools, then Wiggy (another guy from my school) appears and produced a small drum and about five drumsticks, one of which is white. He then starts playing with the orchestra.

I panic. I can't play for the band, and they're the next item in the show. I tell Wiggy this, and he says, "Well, you should have practised," and keeps playing. I tell him I can't practise, I don't know the song, and he says, "You should have gone to rehearsal," and his song ends, and the rest of the band set up and are waiting for me to start their song with a drum solo I don't know.

I wake up here. I didn't like that dream.

A funny fail.

So, I came home with this month's pills, but thought I'd left my other ones at uni, which is bad, since I wouldn't have enough for my stay with my parents.

I went to the doctors, got another pack last Monday.

I realised now that I did actually bring three packs of pills with me.

Hahahaha. What a silly badger.

Frustration.

When we went on the last cruise, Dad decided to film lots of bits of it. A few weeks ago, he asked me if it was possible to send video clips as email attachments, because he wanted the family in the Caribbean to see them. I told him that, since the files were several hundred megabytes each, that it wouldn't work very well.

He then asked if I could make a DVD for him to send. I said, yes, a DVD is possible.

So, I started work. He'd put all the video clips on the PC for me to sort, then I began to import them into Windows Movie Maker. All was well, and I got the first section done.

Next time I tried to work, the video clips would play, but there was no audio. The speakers were quite happy to scare me half to death with Rihanna though. So, I couldn't do anything, and I left it.

This morning, Dad tells me to do the DVD thing again, and he won't tell me again. (Something tells me that making this DVD is payment for Audrey's replacement charger.) So, I go downstairs, still no audio. I tell him this. He says, "Can you have a look at it?"

I open the original files, I open the Movie Maker, no sound from the video anywhere. I tell him this repeatedly.

He then says, "Can you - oh, forget it. Leave it. Just go."

I say, "Tell me what you want me to do. I can't do anything for you unless you finish your question?"

He then says, "Can you just have another look at it?"

Most helpful question ever?!

So, now I'm on Google, and it turns out that no audio is a fairly common problem, but finding the correct solution will take a little while - something about finding the right codec. I really don't have time for this. I want to spend time with my friends, and have a little holiday in my holiday, but I have this essay to write, this revision to do, and honestly, I don't want to do this DVD. Can I just do it in the summer, or some other time where I have no responsibilities?

I don't have the time for this.

Best thing is, he says, "If this was your project, you'd spend all the time you could on it."

Yes. At a time convenient for me!! >_<

ITV - epic fail.

I don't watch ITV often. I don't think that there's anything on there that I would try and find to watch. I realised the other day that "The World At War", a really good documentary about World War II was ITV's brainchild. This was in the 70s though, back when TV was generally good and not generally crap.

My friend Lucy has decided to boycott ITV for one of its latest offerings - Moving Wallpaper, a "comedy" show. This episode centred around a new trans writer, Georgina, arriving and causing tensions in the group.

First of all, it's not funny at all. Even the bits where they weren't horribly transphobic were not even enough to make me smile. I will admit, I'm not the type to laugh-out-loud at every single gag in a show, but I always find myself smiling when I get why it's funny.

It was also ridiculously offensive. It's the kind of stuff that comedy writers always do when they can't think of anything else - choose a minority group that it's okay to pick on at the time. They did it with women, they did it with black people, and now they're doing it with trans people. I don't define as trans, but I know a lot of my friends do and I think we could pretty much all agree that that episode was a perfect 101 on how not to treat a transwoman.

A few of my friends have written in and complained. Quite right too. It's just... argh! It's awful. If that is all that ITV have left to offer to our screens, then it's no wonder they're losing money.

Another corporation-endorsed day to celebrate a group of people.

This Sunday, it's mothers. Despite the rubbish and the fail on occasions, she's been okay. We've managed to have some proper conversations when I've come home from university. I'm still her daughter, but I'm also an adult too, and I think she's starting to respect that.

I got her a weird Egyptian god ornament for the mantelpiece. She loves that kinda stuff. Last year for her birthday, I got her a set of Chinese ornamental vases, and she liked those too. (Thank fuck to the 99p store.) I also got her a card, with some words I thought she might like too. It basically was, "Yay, Mom."

After the thanks and stuff, Mom and my brother (Dave) went to go prepare for church. Dave was like, "Come with us to church, come with us," and Mom was just telling him, "Get ready, get ready."

Now, is this her way of appreciating I don't want to come to church with us, and not really being able to say it directly? Am I being taken pseudo-seriously as an adult? Or was she simply trying to get Dave to shower?

Whatever. I'm not really bothered either way. I feel good today. However, it's not even 9am. Still got plenty of time to make today rubbish. :D

It's official!

I'm going to EUDC Newcastle '09!

The debate crowd for a whole week. Sadly, the outgoing Presidente will not be joining us.

Slap bang in the middle of summer break - a week of motions, jokes beginning with "This House Would", people reminiscing about Estonia, name-dropping and connection-making.

I wonder if last year's winning team, Will Jones and James Dray, will be about this year. They are current European champions AND World champions as well. Really good debaters. I assume they will be in Newcastle doing *something*.

It looks like it'll be a great week. Maybe once I kick myself out of the funk I'm in, I'll get a bit more enthusiastic. We'll see.

At least it's in Newcastle this time. I could book train tickets and make it pretty cheap for myself. I'll sort that out later.

(And, if I had to choose between Will and James, and only pick one, I'd go for Will. James is South African and speaks lovely, but Will is gay and I reckon we might have fun boy-spotting and talking about things. Of course, the preferable option is to have both.)

EDIT: It looks like they won't be competing. They claim that Worlds was their last competitive debate. Don't blame them; quit while you rule the world and everyone (on the Circuit) knows your name.

*disgruntled noises*

I feel totally and entirely demotivated.

I've managed to finally apply for Student finance. At least that's one thing less to think about.

The weather is finally picking up. I can go out in a sweater without a coat, which is nice.

I'm trying a Sufjan Stevens / Death Cab for Cutie mix on iTunes, to see if it will perk me up a bit. So far, no results.

I feel... drained. Like, someone just took my energy and will to do stuff. I know I'll get out of bed eventually, and look up separable and look at orthogonal Fourier coefficients and try and get a page done today. I want to also get some more Algebra done today, I'm totally avoiding it.

I can see the sunlight shifting slightly in my room. The sky looks quite nice. I checked Metcheck; it's another fine day. I don't know if I'll be going shopping with Mother. Maybe. She says she doesn't do it much these days.

I don't think I'll ever end up coming out to her. It seems like a pointless exercise. What I mean by this is that honesty is, in an ideal world, what you should always do, but when it comes to this world, people don't always perfectly rationalise, given these things called "emotions". So, someone may be able to logically think, "This is okay," and yet be emotionally, irrationally, hurt by it.

I'm so convinced they know something though. I don't know. Maybe I'm just hoping they do so I don't have to tell them. It probably doesn't matter.

I got my hair cut. I love it shorter. I might get it a little shorter again next time I go to the hairdressers. My mother freaked out when the hairdresser was cutting. I knew she was layering it a bit, so of course there would be some short bits, and Mother just kept saying, "I know what you want, just don't get it cut too short, you won't be able to do what you want." If it was too short, I'd probably just put it into two bunches until it grew out enough to go back to one ponytail, I had a back-up plan, but of course she never asked. She just assumed I didn't know a thing and that she knew what was best, and I ignored her and put my trust in the hairdresser and she did a great job. Ponytails are no problem at all.

I have various aches and pains. Knees, feet, that thing I get when I breathe in... I want to go back to sleep, but it won't do me any good.

I changed the music.

I burnt some Sims last night, but it felt quite unsatisfying. I burnt half the neighbourhood, and all the housemates, but it wasn't quite right. Maybe it's only good if you have someone to share it with.

Re-evaluating priorities...

Luckily, they coincide with what's best for me. (Being cryptic adds a bit of mystery, which is kinda hot.)

I have no incentive to work. This is bad.

Two weeks! <3

Dreamworks vs Pixar, encore

I've just seen a trailer for a new Dreamworks offering.

It looks like a merge of The Incredibles and Monsters, Inc., both of which are two of my favourite Pixar films. Ha.

However I am willing to give it a chance... maybe. :p

Not everyone's a fan of "Il Papa"...

... and, given all the stuff he's been saying recently, it's not unsurprising.

The Catholic church has such a stubborn policy in Africa when it comes to dealing with HIV/AIDS, and it's one of the many things that just made me realise I couldn't be part of this organisation anymore.

The Pope says, roughly, "Don't use condoms. At all. Instead, stay faithful to your spouse, and/or practise abstinence. Condoms are sinful, and on top of that, they don't work anyway. Condoms also promote family breakdown, and... it's bad. So, just don't use them."

Let's bring some facts in here.

I think that everyone could agree that abstinence, complete and total abstinence, is the most effective way of stopping a sexually transmitted disease. Sadly, not many people will go for that one. And, as for the fidelity issue, people can't stay faithful! People are jerks. We cheat on our spouses. It's just human nature. So, given that people are going to be having sex, and they probably will be doing it with more than one person, we need to make sure there's a way of making sure that, if you decide to pot the pickle with someone who's not your spouse, you won't end up dying.

This is where condoms come in. They're one of the very few things that both stop babies and STDs. (Well, there are femidoms but they're much more expensive to produce, and much harder to use. ) Condoms are quite cheap to produce. Cheap, but not free. Note that there's not a lot of money around HIV/AIDS-ravaged parts of Africa. So, one of the only way they're going to get supplies to stop like condoms is through charity work. Catholic charities like Cafod like to go over and help... and they're not exactly going to be preaching against the Pope's infallible word. And other charities can't help, given they're in largely Catholic areas, where a condom message would either fall on deaf ears or be rebutted with the falsehoods the Church has been telling people.

Condoms are the most effective barrier method. They are not 100%, but that doesn't mean they're not effective. A lot of anti-condom people like to say that they're not completely guaranteed to work. So what? NOTHING is 100% guaranteed.

As for family breakdown? Please. We're just offering people who can't quite control themselves a way not to ruin lives.

At this point, I have to admit that condoms are not the perfect solution either. In places where health education is minimal and inadequate at best, sending over solutions that work in the West has to be thought through. Using condoms can be tricky! Even with all the lessons, and reading the packet carefully, I've still managed to break two. On top of this, basic things have to be told. Such as: don't use it twice; dispose of it in a bin, not a toilet; don't put it on inside-out; blah blah blah. There's a lot of information that needs to be transmitted in order for condom use to be an effective tool in the fight against HIV/AIDS. Information transfer is education. And, health education isn't brilliant in these parts.

So, what do we do? Uganda has managed to curb their problems with a three-pronged attack: promoting fidelity, teaching abstinence, and having condoms as the last defence.

That's what we should do everywhere. Sadly, sticking to Catholic dogma seems more important than the lives of these people.

Personality? I has one.

You Are An INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener with almost infinite patience. You have complex feelings, and you take great care to express them. In love, you see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow. You enjoy relationships when they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation. At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher. How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable.

What's Your Personality Type?

~~~

Funny. I would say I know myself better than most, and I reckon I am manipulative, weak and unstable. Go figure.

Pixar are my homeboys.

Like quite a few people, I have noticed the whole Dreamworks/Pixar rivalry going on. [For the sake of my / key, I will call Disney, Pixar and Disney/Pixar just "Pixar".] Comparing the different movies each company have brought out, and realising the shocking similarities in some cases.

So, I'm going to write about movies. Mostly Pixar's rise to seemingly endless praise, and Dreamworks, when I can be bothered.

Toys are alive...!

Toy Story was the first full-length Pixar film, and has not failed to disappoint in either the original movie or its sequel. The first clearly had a few problems; being made over 10 years means that looking back on it the CGI work wasn't fantastic. But the storyline, the clashes, the subtle humour, and the songwriting just tied it all into a big hit. Now normally, a sequel is disappointing, and it's neither good nor bad, just an obvious excuse to sell more toys. But Toy Story 2 was original and just plain good. The scene where Jessie tells us about her previous ownership with "When She Loved Me" makes me tear up every single time.

Ants and Antz

This is Antz vs A Bug's Life. I give this one to Antz and Dreamworks hits back with what it does best, with its ability to hit a slightly blue note where Disney would fear to tread. Woody Allen is someone I adore and love, and I want to see what else he's done. The humour on Antz is sharp and funny at times, adult enough to keep me amused, with enough simple gags to keep kids laughing while enjoying the talking ants. A Bug's Life just didn't cut it for me, although I loved the ladybug stuff. And - purple ants? What the fuck.

Shrek

Shrek blew me away, and quite a lot of the movie industry hailed the use of the new computer technology that Dreamworks had developed for Antz and utilised and stretched to fit Shrek's needs. Beer flowed, swamps were swam in, fur was stroked, grass blew softly in the wind, and people looked like people. Add in the fact that this movie was a send up of most things Disney [movie stereotypes and theme park parodies], it's just a great hour and a half. The sequels were mediocre though. It lacked the sheer originality that the first Shrek had. The novelty of the idea had faded, and nothing outstanding had been offered. Shrek the Third was just... meh. I didn't want to watch it immediately again, which is really the sign of a killer movie.

Boo!

Monsters Inc., although flawed in plotlines, is always an enduring favourite. Boo is freakin' adorable. I just... want to eat her alive, she's so sweet. Every time I watch that movie, I just want 192 children, little Boo-clones. So cute. And, Billy Crystal is just hilarious. "Me and you, you and me, both of us together!"

Fishie, fishie, fishie, fish!

I always think of Sharky and George when I think of Finding Nemo, despite the fact they're totally different things. Finding Nemo was, again, an enjoyable Pixar hit. They killed the mother, the father's neurotic, Nemo is a cute little kiddy fish with a "lucky fin" and we just feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Plus, it features one of my favourite women, Ellen Degerenes [or Ellen Degenenerate, as her schoolmates called her sometimes]. Dory makes this movie. I am Dory. She is me!

Superhero-tastic

I don't have a lot to say about the Incredibles. Not to say it wasn't good, but... meh. It was good! CGI work was fabolous. Some beautiful visuals. I'm not a huge fan of superheroes. Although there were some killer moments.

Ratatouille

When I first saw this, I was surprised at how much I liked it. I'd heard a lot about it, how this kid's movie appeals to adults just as much, and I was sceptical, and I don't know why. It was awesome. I loved the story, and the rat, and the ginger kid and his hot girlfriend and... it was all good. I would watch it so much more if Disney/Pixar DVDs were ever put in the sale section.

WALL-E

Omigosh, this little boxy robot is so cute. David has already expressed his dislike of this movie ("Robots do not feel.") but I loved it! The LGBT community sprang on it, saying "This is any pairing you want. WALL-E is butch, EVE is femme. Two lesbian robots, falling in love in space. Or, one cute little boy robot, one sleek girl robot. Whatever." No matter what, this was a really cute story, with a "Don't fuck the planet, corporations" message tattooed on the side.

Pandas kick butt

Dreamworks kicks back with a movie I watched kind of by chance. If I hadn't drunk my own body weight in spirits and subsequently thrown up in front of a cute girl on the train, I wouldn't have ended up at my ex's house, eating pasta and watching this movie. It was quite funny, actually.

~~~

This post has made me realise that Pixar should totally pay me for the massive positive PR I've done for them. Ah well. Pixar are awesome guys. I know they will eventually disappoint me, but I hope that that day never comes.

Fluid, babe.

Ever since Saturday, I've been feeling quite womanly. Don't ask me to tell you how one feels "womanly". It's just an innate sense of... something.

I've also been feeling quite gay. And, I was thinking that do I always feel more womanly when I have days where I'm more interested in women? And, I realised that it's not true.

So, I have come to the conclusion that my sexuality, as well as my gender, is fluid, changing and awesome.

It's not entirely fluid though. I've never embraced the idea of feeling *very* masculine. My sexuality is pretty dependent on who I'm around, and what's been going on - I guess that means it's more fluid.

This stuff isn't suited well to words and labels! Ah well.

Mezzanine makes me think about those sorts of things.

~~~

My room is actually tidy. This is a small miracle.

~~~

I have too much work to do, and too much incentive to blog. Rubbish. Rubbish! I will actually work now.

Diva!

I bought my first copy of Diva today. I've been thumbing through it... seems okay.

I always keep forgetting things about lesbanim gay queer type women people. They're usually frighteningly feminist. That's a bit weird for me. Being a debater kinda kicked out most of my views on anything, so I don't immediately side with feminists because I was born female.

I might do a review of what I read after I'm done, I might not. Either way, it's fun to read.

They had a brief article featuring the two girls in the lesbian subplot in the current series of Skins. The writers did a surprisingly good job over it! The dialogue is a little stiff and forced at times, but the way the plot's developed in their case has been interesting, and it's the kind of thing that happens.

The rest of the plot is a mad mess. Let's see...

Cook is sleeping with Effy, who loves Freddie, who loves Effy, but is sleeping with Katie, who is Emily's twin sister. Emily is beginning to date Naomi, but Emily has slept with JJ, who wants to be friends with both Cook and Freddie, but they're mad with each other over Effy. Then, there's Pandora (or Panda, as she is often called), who lost her virginity to Cook within a day of her boyfriend, Thomas, had left the country. Thomas came back, Cook told him that him and Pandora had been sleeping together.

Why do I watch this stuff! It's just madness, Spartan quantities thereof.

Good times.

My p-adic presentation for maths went well! People laughed, and I knew what I was talking about!

I told David I loved him... and we had cuddles and sleeping and that was awesome too.

iTunes DJ is throwing up some awesome music I'd forgotten I owned.

I'm getting used to the idea of being U and Q [as in Unidentified and Queer from the LGBTQUA...+ queer stuff], and realising the freedom it gives me to express myself exactly as I want to every single day. I don't have to feel like I can't wear a skirt, and I can just wear scruffy tees and jeans if I feel that way.

Breasts are okay. I can live with them. I have for 9 years already! At least I don't get bullied for having them. :D

~~~

I care about something! It is the debating society website. Nobody else seems to. They have demoted webmaster down to a sub-exec position, and seemingly forgetting that the internet is a tool that desperately needs to be used. Socials that aren't publisized hard enough on Facebook fall flat - like the interal debate that tried to happen on Wednesday. People coming to see what we're about look at our website, and the first impression they get is that we're potentially not that good.

And, nobody will offer the current webmaster, Tristan, any helpful advice to make the website look good.

So I told him what I would like to see, features that can be improved for usability, and general stuff.

He said I was the only one that cared. I think it's because I can see what the society can do for me, and what it's already done for me, and I truly want to give back to it, and let it continue after I'm gone. I'm not really in it for an exec position to put on my CV, or just to break at University X's IV...

I will keep helping him. Somebody needs to make him feel appreciated for the work he's doing.

Stop the world, I want to mutilate my face.

Actually, no. I don't want to do that. I've finally managed to accept that it's not an ugly face.

But, what would be nice is if the following scenario stops happening:

• Sarah and Boy become sudden friends.
• Sarah is friendly to Boy, because they are friends.
• Sarah is probably flirtatious in front of Boy, because she quite likes it.
• Sarah is generally quirky and slightly interesting.
• Boy reveals that Sarah is the first proper friend of the female persuasion.
• Sarah and Boy kind of drift apart a bit.
  
• Boy reveals that he is attracted to Sarah, usually while she's fucked up emotionally, taken, or both.

Dammit.

We're so full of regrets and missed chances. And, I think about every alternate universe, every chance I missed, every boy I screwed over who I could have tried to love, and realise that I'm in this universe, and I'm stuck in it, and I'm stuck with my choices, and their choices, and you make the best of everything because it's all you have.

And... when I think about it... even though I don't feel so great right now, and it seems like everything is crumbling at my feet, I reassure myself that nothing's going wrong, everything will be okay, and I realise that I'm the happiest I've been in quite a long time.

Nothing's changed. And yet...

I went to the Pride AGM two weeks ago.

They were supposed to hold it a lot longer ago, but the snow fell the hardest on their planned day, so nobody from off-campus could get in to actually vote or stand. So, they rescheduled.

I met Helen there. I told her my name was Willow, and that it was in fact a horrible lie.

I voted at the elections. It was massively bitchy, but it always tends to be. There's always something.

Helen and I talked about things on MSN, and I told her about a skirt I'd just bought. It made me feel... peculiar. I just wanted to run and put trousers on again. And I told her, and she asked me if I defined as trans and I said "Not particularly."

I began thinking again, about how I define, and stuff like that. I think I'm just... queer. Just queer. I don't really feel like a *woman*, but not a man, at all. I don't really identify with being bisexual, and if forced to pick a label, I would say pansexual, but it's so fluid and changeable, and I can never quite tell anyway, because I'm only ever seriously attracted to David - that's physically and emotionally. (I do find other people nice to look at, but I don't want them around when I have sadness.)

But... it's left me feeling a little confused. I'm writing this particular entry wearing that skirt and Converse shoes. I'm just used to it now. I can choose to wear a skirt if I want to, and I know that's okay. I mean, it always has been. I don't know why it felt so weird.

I've been thinking about gender a bit more. Like, the whole thing seems to be so... arbitrary. I mean, I do think of myself as female, mostly because of my body, but apart from that, I'm just a collection of behaviours and patterns, and I don't know if they're stereotypically male, female, or just disturbed.

And... I don't know if I care about that or not.

I'm finding it hard. I don't know if I should.

~~~

I was thinking of becoming U Rep (nobody wanted to be it at the AGM) but, given how shaken up I am right now, I hardly think I could offer much advice and support, let alone helpful representation. Then again, I could be being too hard on myself. It's always near impossible to tell.