Where is my mind?

Woke up again for the second time by my alarm clock. Normally I wake up a few minutes before it, but I didn't today, and I didn't yesterday. Took me half an hour to get out of bed. I'll wake up eventually, but currently, I'm quite tired.

Living here drains me. My sugar moves, I can't use the kitchen without impeccable timing or stubborn determination, I have to consider the cost-benefit analysis of having a conversation in the house. I can't invite anyone over without pissing him off. I've only got a calendar month left here, but there's enough stress to be dealing with already without not having a home to chill out in.

I'm cold. I have to wear two pairs of everything and a dressing gown to stop shivering. It's May. That doesn't seem right.

I listened to my massive amount of Beatles last night. Played "Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand" quite a lot.

I've been talking a lot to A. Ever since first year, I've always wondered whether it was healthy to have such a firm foot in my past, specifically a part of my past that hasn't always been good. But, we're talking a lot right now and I think that the more I worry about Something happening, the more likely it is that something will. But, I'm pretty sure that I can just about handle hanging out with him and not having sex. I'm kinda excited about having a proper friendship with him - we never really had one first time round.

I have to shop today. I've run out of basics, but I've also run out of money. All I have to do is buy enough to survive until Thursday morning.

The sky is blue, with a few puffy clouds. One looks like a unicorn goring a badger. Another one looks like a pregnant goat.

I should get dressed and start my day properly. Gotta stay upbeat, nothing else to do... ^^

Tiffany Blews

I have no idea what this song is about really. The band Yes have songs where the lyrics are nothing more than a collection of words that sound gorgeous together; they mean nothing, they are nonsensical. If you listened, it becomes very clear it's not supposed to make sense. Fall Out Boy tricked me into thinking this song made sense, and then you read the lyrics, and really, it's no better than Yes, except Yes were never setting out to make sense.

I find myself at a loss for words, at the moment. There are a hundred thousand words, battling for attention in my head, but they seem to refuse to co-operate and line themselves up in an orderly fashion, so I can tell you, my literate audience, what's going on. Maybe bullet points will help.

• I'm seeing someone new.
• He is my best friend. (was, is? I'm not sure.)
• My most recent ex lives in his house.
• My second most recent ex lives in my house.
• Consequently, we both live in our own versions of An Awkward House.
  
• We have a Guitar Hero band. It's called Unicorn Parade.

That's basically the gist of it. Bullet points did help. First time La Roux did the song "Bulletproof", it was actually about how she uses bullet points to help her write, except her agent didn't think it would work as well in clubs if it was about bullet points, cos they're not sexy. THEY WERE WRONG! Bullet points are beautiful.

I have exams starting today. I'm most confident about the ones coming first, so I can just get through them, do my best, and cram like a loon for the hard ones.

Everything I've learnt this year is being put to the test. And, I hate it when people say, "Good luck," because, if you prepared well, learned from what you did wrong before, if you understand where your gaps in knowledge lie, then you don't need to be lucky. You can just go and do a good job Avoid the bits you can't do, make up for it by doing a kick-ass job in the places you know you can. Luck is for the ill-prepared, it seems.

(Wish me luck for my algebra modules.)

What A Catch, Donnie.

I've got troubled thoughts, and the self-esteem to match. What a catch...

When I first heard Fall Out Boy were going on indefinite hiatus, this song just seemed like the perfect farewell. At the end, a bunch of people (Elvis Costello, Brendan Urie, etc) came and sang a couple lines from some Fall Out Boy songs while the chorus is looped over by Patrick, and it's really cool.

I always thought that quote summed me up to a T. Troubled thoughts, minimal self-esteem. I know that's it's not true. My life's only a mess when I do stuff I haven't thought through properly. When I actually think, my thoughts are pretty clear, and pretty sound. I am a smart person, I just don't use my smartness for some reason. I want to.

I was talking to a friend last night, and he asked me what kind of person I wanted to be. I thought about it for a bit, and I realised I wanted to be brave, kind and smart. It's totally doable. I think I am quite brave, especially when it comes to just approaching new people, not being nervous, and just talking to them. I am kind, when I remember that there's more to life that just what I'm doing. I can be smart, when I actually think about what I'm doing.

I do have self-esteem. I'm not the best person in the world - I'd be mad to think that - but I have definite positive features about my personality.

When I was younger, after I'd broken up with my first ever non-playground boyfriend (after treating him like crap and eventually calling it quits), I thought that somebody like me never really deserved to be with anyone genuinely good, someone who was kind and generous and loving, because I didn't know how to treat them properly. If I deserved anything, it would be someone who treated me badly and made me feel sad, in the way I made other people sad sometimes. I know that's not true. Everyone deserves a bit of happiness, I think.

I am a single person! Thus, another chapter of my life begins. Hopefully it'll be distinctly different from the ones I had before. I want something different this time round, I think. Sex is good, movies are too, but I think I want something more than just that.

...

There's so much I want to say. But, it's not the right time for it. I don't know if there will ever be a right time for it. Of course, you can spend your whole life not saying things that might change everything, because it's "not quite the right time", and then nothing ever really happens to you. Fortune favours the brave; history is made by those who show up; if you don't ask, you can't ever get an answer. I just have to try to be smart, and work out when the best time is, and be brave, and just say it.

It's like the end of When Harry Met Sally, when Sally's at a New Year's party dateless, and once Harry realises he's in love with her, he plucks up the courage to run to the party from his apartment to tell her. She says to him that he can't just show up and tell her he loves her and that'll fix everything, because it doesn't work that way. Before she can walk away, Harry grabs her and tells her various things that he loves about her (including the fact that he loves that it takes her an hour and half to order a sandwich.) He then finishes by saying:

I came here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Hopefully I'll be brave enough to tell them how I feel before someone else finds out how amazing they are. Another perfect quote from this (totally amazing!) movie:

All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband.

Nod to the past.

I decided to change the format of my blog today. It's pretty! ^^

I also decided to do something I haven't done for a long time. I used to theme sets of blog posts; I'd take each phrase of the Our Father, or Hail Mary, and write a post about it (with the occasional hiatus if something happened that didn't fit the theme).

Since Fall Out Boy is probably the closest thing I have to religion right now, it seems fitting to base the next few posts on the titles of each track from an album. I'll start with Folie a Deux, and see how it goes. If you know anything about Fall Out Boy, you'll know their lyrics are hilarious and their titles are mad. For example, the first title I have to tackle is "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes": I'm thinking wtf just as much as you are. So, this will be a fun challenge, if anything.

So, that's the plan. Keep tuning in, kids! :)

Today...

Woken up at 8, asked what should Dad buy for me in the supermarket. Decided to roll out of bed, grab clothes, and just go with him. Dressed entirely like a boy (except for the skinny jeans). Bought lots of stuff.

Later in the day, I dressed entirely like a girl. Cute t-shirt, ruffly cotton layered skirt. I had hips like a goddess, which makes a change, cos my hips are actually pretty damn narrow. (Thank goodness for my butt.)

Excellent food day: Weetabix, hot milk and chopped banana; hummous, pitta bread and carrot sticks; grapes and dilute juice; cream cheese on bagel, cup of tea; Chinese take out; slice of toast.

Lazy study day. Made some progress. Easing myself into things. Doing Lie Algebras right now.

Discovered Sesame Street videos. Laughed until I cried. Flailed my limbs about in pure joy. Found a great video of Natalie Portman, dressed as an elephant, dancing with an elephant dressed as a princess. So fucking cute.

Talked to Tristan and Dave about things and stuff. Nothing too deep. Linked them to all the Sesame Street stuff.

Watched a gymnastics movie with a Fall Out Boy soundtrack. Kickass.

Had a two hour nap while the Budget was on the TV. Woke up to see Nick Clegg asking politicians to cut the crap and tell the truth.

Listened to Dancing With Myself, and Imagine (the originals, not the Glee covers).

"That's very smart, Banana, very smart."

Today was a pretty good day. Doesn't quite beat the day in the Bullring with a Krispy Kreme, though.

Catch up!

Two debating competitions: the IV for university students, the school tournament for school kids. Predominantly reasonably cute sixth-form grammar school girls in the schools tournament. That was nice.

Junk food week of DOOM. Tuesday, Ben and Jerry's fest. Wednesday, Pizza Hut with Dave. Thursday, Curry Night. Friday, chinese takeout with Tristan. Saturday, chicken and chips. There's plans to eat at Varsity on Monday. My poor fat-clogged arteries must be begging for mercy now.

Glitterball was a big worry until it happened and nothing went wrong at all. I was quietly organisational, people noticed, I kissed my lovely boyfriend, everyone got home safe, the food was great, my dress fitted me.

Battle of the Bands. My housemate and his band came THIRD (travesty!) despite the crowd feeling they'd at least come second. Such is life. Again, cue the lovely boyfriend. Sometimes you forget how nice it is to just kiss for ages and ages and cuddle a little bit.

Debating confidence wiggles. The IV kinda kicked it out of me a bit (one of the DCA's didn't exactly take a shine to me), but Schools made me feel good about myself again. I called it right, I chaired a room, I gave warm and sunny feedback to ALL the children.

Sleep. The plan was: stay at Tristan's, eat junk food, watch a movie, go to bed fairly early and get to Schools on time. We ended up going to bed quite late and not actually sleeping until 3 or 4. Waking up at 7 wasn't very fun. But, going to sleep on Saturday night, after Tristan coming over to eat junk food and watch Clueless with me while drinking Strongbow and gin, was bliss.

The sky is perfectly blue. There's a little bit of a breeze. I'm listening to Lady Gaga and Robbie Williams. I have spent the past few weeks trying to make various people feel good about themselves in various ways (myself, debaters, Priders, Tristan, schoolkids). Sheraz gave me a cuddle and told me I wasn't awful at all, and in fact quite alright.

I got the calls right in rooms! I justified my decision and actually agreed with myself!

I have lots of plans, short term and long term. I might even have time to read some maths, or perhaps just read for pleasure. Although maths seems more sensible.

Honestly, I don't think things have been this busy and THIS GOOD for such a long time.

The best part is something that kinda made me feel sad this morning. I woke up alone, and it felt very strange. It didn't feel right. The more I think about how my life's going, it's all become possible because of him. He's the lynchpin of my confidence and success... I don't think I could do all this stuff without him. I'm pretty excited to see him again tonight :)

Goodbye, Ruby Sunday...?

I like rubies! And emeralds. Yes... I have the best boyfriend ever, since he bought me emerald earrings for our one year anniversary. Yaaaaaay!

The anniversary was 11 days ago, but I've not been so good at the linear blogging thing.

Exams start on Thursday. I've been studying Algebra a little today, and moving on to Metric Spaces in the late afternoon.

Fall Out Boy's album, Folie à Deux, is quite something. I know it's not great music, but I just enjoy their energy. I'm still a fourteen year old fangirl inside.

Oh, I found The Simpsons online again. Will I ever study again!? Yes. Yes I will. :p

Put the lights on the tree...

... and call your Grandma on the phone, if she's all alone.

I am rediscovering Sufjan Stevens' Christmas collections.

He recorded them over a period of a few years, making a CD each Christmas to send to family and friends as presents. After people told him they were AWESOME, he decided to make them all into one big box set, and send them out into the world.

I remember when I bought it; I'd never spent £15 on CDs before, so I was pretty hesitant. I'd only heard "Put The Lights On The Tree" and I did love it, so I decided to give it a go.

I am SO GLAD I did.

It's a mix of carols, with and/or without the words, and original compositions. He does the classics, "O Come All Ye Faithful", "Silent Night", et al, but he also includes some I'd not heard of before including "Lo! How A Rose E'er Blooming", which is German and beautiful.

One of my favourites was "That Was The Worst Christmas Ever!". I adore it. I could listen to it all year, and imagine that it's winter and chilled and the sky is piercingly blue and the single wisp of cloud that dares to float lies there, and looks down.

So pretty. :)