I get really excited about mail. I'll sit in my room just waiting for noon-ish to arrive, and then sooner or later, I'll hear the gentle yet noticeable *thud* downstairs and I'll run as fast as I can down the stairs and jump around, all hyped about the mail.
I even get excited if it's not for me.
Today is Friday. I usually get the Weekly Letter from my father. It's a short note from him with £20 taped to it. So, Friday mail is even more exciting than any other.
This Friday, there were two pieces of mail. Ex's postal vote, and a Big Letter from home.
Inside the Big Letter, was the Weekly Letter, complete with £20, and a letter from Student Loans, to get my money sorted AND AND AND AND Transatlantic tickets! Prog times are soon to be mine!
Best mail I've had in a while, really. :D
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
West Coast Smoker
I've always wanted to visit West Coast America. California, Oregon, Washington. In fact, I just want to do all fifty states at some point. There's probably something cool to see in all of them, not necessarily all as sparkly and mental as Las Vegas or New York, but still, something quirky and interesting. Like, Connecticut has Yale, that might be cool to visit. California has California girls, so DEFINITELY worth a look there!
My parents always like to take us on holiday to the same places every time. New York, Florida, Caribbean. New York and Caribbean aren't for the touristy thing though, we go for family. So, that hardly counts as a holiday - you get to spend a couple of weeks in other people's living rooms instead of your own, except they don't get the BBC and all their TV is interrupted every five minutes by adverts of erectile dysfunction and weight loss pills if you're Stateside, or every ten minutes by soft drink and carnival ads in the Caribbean. Redeeming feature: the carnival ads have pretty girls wearing next to nothing dancing. (Apparently it's okay to say that cos I'm not a guy.)
Anyway, the point is, they go to the same places every time. It's nice, and I quite like it, but I get bored. But, I guess they like that we go to the same places every time. Like, you know what you'll get, if you just go to I-Drive every other year and go to the same Disney/Universal theme parks.
I remember last time though, things had changed a bit. The first time I went, I was about 8 or 9 when I went the first time, so it was like a fucking paradise. Last time I went was the summer before university so, I was 18 and a half. I guess I just saw everything as an exercise in using pester power to line the pockets of some CEO somewhere.
I can see why they'd choose to the same places every time though. You don't have to worry about the culture being too removed, you don't have to bring phrasebooks, you can recognise the letters and the signposts. It's just like being at home, except people say "candy" and "elevator" and the bacon is too crispy and inedible.
You do miss out on exciting stuff, though. Trying new foods, learning a language on the fly, adjusting to unusual social customs; there's the chance of learning lots and gaining funny tales to tell later when you get home (even if they're anything but funny at the time!)
So, you have a choice. Safety and the potential for mind-numbing boredom, or mild terror and the reward of finding out something new you actually quite like.
I'll take mild terror for $200, Alex.
My parents always like to take us on holiday to the same places every time. New York, Florida, Caribbean. New York and Caribbean aren't for the touristy thing though, we go for family. So, that hardly counts as a holiday - you get to spend a couple of weeks in other people's living rooms instead of your own, except they don't get the BBC and all their TV is interrupted every five minutes by adverts of erectile dysfunction and weight loss pills if you're Stateside, or every ten minutes by soft drink and carnival ads in the Caribbean. Redeeming feature: the carnival ads have pretty girls wearing next to nothing dancing. (Apparently it's okay to say that cos I'm not a guy.)
Anyway, the point is, they go to the same places every time. It's nice, and I quite like it, but I get bored. But, I guess they like that we go to the same places every time. Like, you know what you'll get, if you just go to I-Drive every other year and go to the same Disney/Universal theme parks.
I remember last time though, things had changed a bit. The first time I went, I was about 8 or 9 when I went the first time, so it was like a fucking paradise. Last time I went was the summer before university so, I was 18 and a half. I guess I just saw everything as an exercise in using pester power to line the pockets of some CEO somewhere.
I can see why they'd choose to the same places every time though. You don't have to worry about the culture being too removed, you don't have to bring phrasebooks, you can recognise the letters and the signposts. It's just like being at home, except people say "candy" and "elevator" and the bacon is too crispy and inedible.
You do miss out on exciting stuff, though. Trying new foods, learning a language on the fly, adjusting to unusual social customs; there's the chance of learning lots and gaining funny tales to tell later when you get home (even if they're anything but funny at the time!)
So, you have a choice. Safety and the potential for mind-numbing boredom, or mild terror and the reward of finding out something new you actually quite like.
I'll take mild terror for $200, Alex.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tiffany Blews
I have no idea what this song is about really. The band Yes have songs where the lyrics are nothing more than a collection of words that sound gorgeous together; they mean nothing, they are nonsensical. If you listened, it becomes very clear it's not supposed to make sense. Fall Out Boy tricked me into thinking this song made sense, and then you read the lyrics, and really, it's no better than Yes, except Yes were never setting out to make sense.
I find myself at a loss for words, at the moment. There are a hundred thousand words, battling for attention in my head, but they seem to refuse to co-operate and line themselves up in an orderly fashion, so I can tell you, my literate audience, what's going on. Maybe bullet points will help.
I have exams starting today. I'm most confident about the ones coming first, so I can just get through them, do my best, and cram like a loon for the hard ones.
Everything I've learnt this year is being put to the test. And, I hate it when people say, "Good luck," because, if you prepared well, learned from what you did wrong before, if you understand where your gaps in knowledge lie, then you don't need to be lucky. You can just go and do a good job Avoid the bits you can't do, make up for it by doing a kick-ass job in the places you know you can. Luck is for the ill-prepared, it seems.
(Wish me luck for my algebra modules.)
I find myself at a loss for words, at the moment. There are a hundred thousand words, battling for attention in my head, but they seem to refuse to co-operate and line themselves up in an orderly fashion, so I can tell you, my literate audience, what's going on. Maybe bullet points will help.
- I'm seeing someone new.
- He is my best friend. (was, is? I'm not sure.)
- My most recent ex lives in his house.
- My second most recent ex lives in my house.
- Consequently, we both live in our own versions of An Awkward House.
- We have a Guitar Hero band. It's called Unicorn Parade.
I have exams starting today. I'm most confident about the ones coming first, so I can just get through them, do my best, and cram like a loon for the hard ones.
Everything I've learnt this year is being put to the test. And, I hate it when people say, "Good luck," because, if you prepared well, learned from what you did wrong before, if you understand where your gaps in knowledge lie, then you don't need to be lucky. You can just go and do a good job Avoid the bits you can't do, make up for it by doing a kick-ass job in the places you know you can. Luck is for the ill-prepared, it seems.
(Wish me luck for my algebra modules.)
Friday, April 23, 2010
27
This is probably one of my favourite songs, there are some really interesting phrases. Not sure if they all work together, but as snapshots of songwriting flair, it's not bad. It's really not that bad.
It's just about being lost in a world you don't recognise, being flung into a world of stars and tours and not seeing your family for months. Sex, drugs, parties, late nights, loud music, bright lights, city living.
So far, it's Day 3. Time passes so slowly when you're thinking about it in the present, but then, before you know it, you're at Sunday, and your exams are tomorrow, and have you done enough? Day 3. Of course, it feels longer, since I was pretty single after the penultimate time I called and he said, "I won't see you for an indefinite time." I didn't have a boyfriend; I had someone who was on my Recently Called list. But, in fact, it has only been three days officially.
I need to think of something to do, use the rest of my 11 obligatory days effectively. Of course, once I get out of 11 days, I have the rest of my (lonely?) single life ahead of me - joy! I really ought to do some song-writing really soon. I want to be able to give myself the time to do it, but not quite yet. There's so much to say, and everything always sounds so much more real when I sing it. It's one of the few times when I can't help but always be sincere, when I sing. (I guess why I'm so afraid of letting people see me sing properly.) Maybe on Sunday night, after my exec meeting, I can just chillax, write a whole bunch of stuff. I'm no Regina Spektor, but I like what I do.
What after the 11 days? Well, meet lots of new people, find most of them perfectly palatable, but ultimately, not quite right. I went to the election debate, they were showing it in the union, and I found a friend of mine, and sat with her, and her friends. And that's how I met Jeff/Geoff. He was kinda quiet, looked a bit pretentious - but he's a philosophy student, so I guess that can't be helped. He shook my hand very firmly, both when we met, and when we said goodbye. He seemed kinda boring, unfortunately. He didn't seem to be the type to get my off-the-wall type of humour. Of course, this is all first impression-y type stuff, so it could be wrong, but, you know, that's all you get first time round.
Then again, not many people get my humour. A kid from debating was at the debate too, and he pointed at the TV and asked me who I was supporting, and I said, "Arsenal, of course." He didn't get it, and I had to explain the joke and then he did get it, and everyone on my table was like "FAIL" and it was kinda funny. (Turns out that he also turns up sometimes to the Sunday Focus meeting I used to do in first year. I was thinking of Making An Appearance once in a while, they're a good bunch of people, and being cooked for on a Sunday is always nice.)
Ben was like that too. One time, we were having lunch in the school dinner hall, and we had the following exchange:
It's just about being lost in a world you don't recognise, being flung into a world of stars and tours and not seeing your family for months. Sex, drugs, parties, late nights, loud music, bright lights, city living.
So far, it's Day 3. Time passes so slowly when you're thinking about it in the present, but then, before you know it, you're at Sunday, and your exams are tomorrow, and have you done enough? Day 3. Of course, it feels longer, since I was pretty single after the penultimate time I called and he said, "I won't see you for an indefinite time." I didn't have a boyfriend; I had someone who was on my Recently Called list. But, in fact, it has only been three days officially.
I need to think of something to do, use the rest of my 11 obligatory days effectively. Of course, once I get out of 11 days, I have the rest of my (lonely?) single life ahead of me - joy! I really ought to do some song-writing really soon. I want to be able to give myself the time to do it, but not quite yet. There's so much to say, and everything always sounds so much more real when I sing it. It's one of the few times when I can't help but always be sincere, when I sing. (I guess why I'm so afraid of letting people see me sing properly.) Maybe on Sunday night, after my exec meeting, I can just chillax, write a whole bunch of stuff. I'm no Regina Spektor, but I like what I do.
What after the 11 days? Well, meet lots of new people, find most of them perfectly palatable, but ultimately, not quite right. I went to the election debate, they were showing it in the union, and I found a friend of mine, and sat with her, and her friends. And that's how I met Jeff/Geoff. He was kinda quiet, looked a bit pretentious - but he's a philosophy student, so I guess that can't be helped. He shook my hand very firmly, both when we met, and when we said goodbye. He seemed kinda boring, unfortunately. He didn't seem to be the type to get my off-the-wall type of humour. Of course, this is all first impression-y type stuff, so it could be wrong, but, you know, that's all you get first time round.
Then again, not many people get my humour. A kid from debating was at the debate too, and he pointed at the TV and asked me who I was supporting, and I said, "Arsenal, of course." He didn't get it, and I had to explain the joke and then he did get it, and everyone on my table was like "FAIL" and it was kinda funny. (Turns out that he also turns up sometimes to the Sunday Focus meeting I used to do in first year. I was thinking of Making An Appearance once in a while, they're a good bunch of people, and being cooked for on a Sunday is always nice.)
Ben was like that too. One time, we were having lunch in the school dinner hall, and we had the following exchange:
"I'll make a beeline towards you later."Yeah, he was a little harsh sometimes. Such is life.
"Why not a flyline, or waspline?"
*silence* "What?"
"Bee, fly, wasp. All flying insects."
"Yes, I did get it it was an attempt at humour. It just wasn't funny."
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
What A Catch, Donnie.
I've got troubled thoughts, and the self-esteem to match. What a catch...When I first heard Fall Out Boy were going on indefinite hiatus, this song just seemed like the perfect farewell. At the end, a bunch of people (Elvis Costello, Brendan Urie, etc) came and sang a couple lines from some Fall Out Boy songs while the chorus is looped over by Patrick, and it's really cool.
I always thought that quote summed me up to a T. Troubled thoughts, minimal self-esteem. I know that's it's not true. My life's only a mess when I do stuff I haven't thought through properly. When I actually think, my thoughts are pretty clear, and pretty sound. I am a smart person, I just don't use my smartness for some reason. I want to.
I was talking to a friend last night, and he asked me what kind of person I wanted to be. I thought about it for a bit, and I realised I wanted to be brave, kind and smart. It's totally doable. I think I am quite brave, especially when it comes to just approaching new people, not being nervous, and just talking to them. I am kind, when I remember that there's more to life that just what I'm doing. I can be smart, when I actually think about what I'm doing.
I do have self-esteem. I'm not the best person in the world - I'd be mad to think that - but I have definite positive features about my personality.
When I was younger, after I'd broken up with my first ever non-playground boyfriend (after treating him like crap and eventually calling it quits), I thought that somebody like me never really deserved to be with anyone genuinely good, someone who was kind and generous and loving, because I didn't know how to treat them properly. If I deserved anything, it would be someone who treated me badly and made me feel sad, in the way I made other people sad sometimes. I know that's not true. Everyone deserves a bit of happiness, I think.
I am a single person! Thus, another chapter of my life begins. Hopefully it'll be distinctly different from the ones I had before. I want something different this time round, I think. Sex is good, movies are too, but I think I want something more than just that.
...
There's so much I want to say. But, it's not the right time for it. I don't know if there will ever be a right time for it. Of course, you can spend your whole life not saying things that might change everything, because it's "not quite the right time", and then nothing ever really happens to you. Fortune favours the brave; history is made by those who show up; if you don't ask, you can't ever get an answer. I just have to try to be smart, and work out when the best time is, and be brave, and just say it.
It's like the end of When Harry Met Sally, when Sally's at a New Year's party dateless, and once Harry realises he's in love with her, he plucks up the courage to run to the party from his apartment to tell her. She says to him that he can't just show up and tell her he loves her and that'll fix everything, because it doesn't work that way. Before she can walk away, Harry grabs her and tells her various things that he loves about her (including the fact that he loves that it takes her an hour and half to order a sandwich.) He then finishes by saying:
I came here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.Hopefully I'll be brave enough to tell them how I feel before someone else finds out how amazing they are. Another perfect quote from this (totally amazing!) movie:
All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband.
The (Shipped) Gold Standard
For all you keen FOB fans (or for those of you able to Google!), you'll have noticed that I've got my titles the wrong way round. This post should have come before the last. However, since it's my blog, I can do whatever I like round here. (So there.)
The TV debate was interesting. It wasn't a polished and buffed, soundbitey, gimmicky affair like you might have got over the pond (where presidential debates have been going on for years). I was reading the story of how various leaders over the years have tried to get a debate going over here. The person doing worse in the polls would ask the other, and the other would say no, and give an official reason such as "TV politics, rubbish, gimmick, blah", when the actual reason is: "I'm going to win anyway, I have a large margin above you on the polls. I don't need a debate to potentially ruin that." However, at the moment, a hung parliament is more likely than any other scenario, so the parties have nothing really to lose.
Nick looked very cute on the TV, and I think he presented himself well. Probably not the most polished (given Daveyboy and Gordon have been speaking in public in the role of Some Important Dude for a bit longer), but with practise, he'll get better. It's great that the election's really became more of a n-horse race (n>2), since that is the reality of it. There are MORE THAN TWO parties, despite what Labour and Conservative want you to think. It's in their best interests to have a two-party system, I guess, because you just swing between the two in 10 year cycles, and you only have one ideological viewpoint to oppose.
It's great that the Lib Dems got some TV time. It'll just further increase their support and show that they do have a non-negligible base of popular support.
The polls have, all of the sudden, got rather interesting. In several taken after the debate, Lib Dems come a close second, with some even having them come out on top! Of course, the percentage points are so close, taking into account the margin of error gives you the result "Everyone's a winner". Well, it should. Except the way the electoral system goes at the moment means that 30% of the country can vote Lib Dem, but if the support isn't concentrated enough in traditional homesteads for Labour and Conservative, it won't translate to more seats. So, if the Lib Dems do as well in the actual vote as the polls suggest they might, it might lead to some voting reform (which is exciting!) - it doesn't seem fair that over half of the country can vote for "not party Y", yet party Y can legitimately gain over half of the seats.
...
GO YELLOWS! <3
The TV debate was interesting. It wasn't a polished and buffed, soundbitey, gimmicky affair like you might have got over the pond (where presidential debates have been going on for years). I was reading the story of how various leaders over the years have tried to get a debate going over here. The person doing worse in the polls would ask the other, and the other would say no, and give an official reason such as "TV politics, rubbish, gimmick, blah", when the actual reason is: "I'm going to win anyway, I have a large margin above you on the polls. I don't need a debate to potentially ruin that." However, at the moment, a hung parliament is more likely than any other scenario, so the parties have nothing really to lose.
Nick looked very cute on the TV, and I think he presented himself well. Probably not the most polished (given Daveyboy and Gordon have been speaking in public in the role of Some Important Dude for a bit longer), but with practise, he'll get better. It's great that the election's really became more of a n-horse race (n>2), since that is the reality of it. There are MORE THAN TWO parties, despite what Labour and Conservative want you to think. It's in their best interests to have a two-party system, I guess, because you just swing between the two in 10 year cycles, and you only have one ideological viewpoint to oppose.
It's great that the Lib Dems got some TV time. It'll just further increase their support and show that they do have a non-negligible base of popular support.
The polls have, all of the sudden, got rather interesting. In several taken after the debate, Lib Dems come a close second, with some even having them come out on top! Of course, the percentage points are so close, taking into account the margin of error gives you the result "Everyone's a winner". Well, it should. Except the way the electoral system goes at the moment means that 30% of the country can vote Lib Dem, but if the support isn't concentrated enough in traditional homesteads for Labour and Conservative, it won't translate to more seats. So, if the Lib Dems do as well in the actual vote as the polls suggest they might, it might lead to some voting reform (which is exciting!) - it doesn't seem fair that over half of the country can vote for "not party Y", yet party Y can legitimately gain over half of the seats.
...
GO YELLOWS! <3
Saturday, April 17, 2010
(Coffee's For Closers)
A friend of mine came over last night. I've known her since fresher year, but I'd never realised how similar we were, in terms of relationship-type stories. She talked about her exes, I talked about mine, and we just had a pretty good chat. I'll be seeing more of her soon, I hope. She was planning on doing her Masters in a place that wasn't Warwick, but it didn't work out the way she hoped and she figured having a good solid maths background from Warwick won't hurt, given she wants to do a PhD.
Using what I know, what she told me, and general social conventions and age-old wisdom tips, I think I've managed to work out the way you should break up with someone. (At last.)
And, as far as I can tell, that's all you have to do. Basically, it's sensitivity, communication, common sense, faith, trust and pixie dust. Now I have to make sure I do it properly this time. Last time I followed this routine, I did this:
Now, I just need to wait and think about what I'm doing, for once. Patience is a virtue that I am somewhat lacking in, but I'm getting much better at being patient and waiting for the right time. I just need to wait. And think.
(I'm secretly extremely hopeful for the future, in one particular respect. I won't tell you what that is, though. I just hope it doesn't all go wrong.)
Using what I know, what she told me, and general social conventions and age-old wisdom tips, I think I've managed to work out the way you should break up with someone. (At last.)
- Check you actually want to end the relationship. Are you just having a bad day? Is she just being a nightmare because she's stressed about exams? Is he being neglectful because he's having a personal crisis? Not everyone will be wonderful all the time, but there is a tipping point where you shouldn't have to take a sustained level of crapness.
- Check you think that the relationship isn't fixable. If you're both willing to talk about the problems you have, and you're both willing to fix the broken bits, it's probably worth trying for a little while, and then talking about how you feel it's going. No relationship will ever be plain sailing forever; sometimes it'll just get hard and you both need to work to stay together. If either one of you wants out, and doesn't want to try, no amount of fixing from the other party will help.
- "Let's have coffee. Tomorrow." Try and get it done as soon as possible (after you've established a relationship is unfixable, you don't want to convince yourself that it's somehow okay to stick around.) Do it in person, if at all possible. If you're in an LDR, a phone call is probably best. The relationship deserves respect, even if it is ending. A neutral ground, like a coffee shop, is a good place. They are less likely to get shouty or violent in public, you're not likely to accidentally have sex with them instead of breaking up (like if you were in their place to break up, say), you can both go home to separate places (or back home to the SAME PLACE if you live together. Awkward.) Might be a good idea to order decaf if you're nervous.
- Explain why the relationship failed. With my Ex/Guy switcharoo, it would seem really obvious that I left Ex because I wanted to be with Guy instead. What actually happened is that the relationship failed because of reasons unrelated to Guy - he just happened to be at the right place at the right time. So, it's a good idea to explain why you're leaving. The less ambiguity you leave, the better. The recipient of breakups can sometimes see things in a distinctly illogical light for a really long time (paranoia, loneliness, depression, etc), and the clearer you make the explanation, the less illogical they can be before facts get in the way. Point out that a relationship is made of two people; just because you're doing the breaking up doesn't mean they're blamefree. Explain what they did wrong as well as what you did wrong.
- Spend a fortnight single. This is an absolute minimum. If you end up meeting someone in those two weeks, and you think they happen to be The One, then hopefully waiting two weeks to date them won't ruin things too much. Basically, the gap is there so you can ask yourself: "Am I dating X to not be alone anymore, or because I really like them?" Plus, your ex is probably going to be sensitive about you dating. If you ever want their friendship, dating within hours of breaking up is probably not the way to go about it.
- Date again, but remembering what you learnt from last time. Very few relationships are ever an entire waste of time, there's usually something positive you can say about them. Remember why you broke up. It's rarely just one person's fault when a relationship breaks up. Try to ensure that the stuff your partner did wrong before doesn't happen again, and try and fix the bits of you that weren't good last time round.
- ...
- PROFIT!
And, as far as I can tell, that's all you have to do. Basically, it's sensitivity, communication, common sense, faith, trust and pixie dust. Now I have to make sure I do it properly this time. Last time I followed this routine, I did this:
- I did want to end this. I'd been thinking about it for months.
- It *might* have been fixable, but I wanted out. I don't think I wanted to work that hard. I don't think I realised that at some point, I would.
- It was actually Earl Grey, and it was after months of thinking "Should I, shouldn't I?" and finally being persuaded by Guy.
- I said the relationship was over, but didn't really articulate why, giving him full clearance to assume I'd been dating Guy for a month and was probably sleeping with him, and that I was leaving him for Guy, and that's why she's leaving. I really should have told him more.
- Spending a fortnight single? Try an hour. (Ex really liked that bit better than anything else I did.)
- Dating again... well, yeah. Guy and I do talk a lot more than Ex and I did about our relationship. And, I'm trying to give Guy some control of what we do, and what's going on, except he never really wants to take it, so we just float about rudderless and awkward until I eventually get things done.
- ...
- Profit, of sorts. I got out of one relationship I couldn't stand, but now I'm in one I don't particularly like either.
Now, I just need to wait and think about what I'm doing, for once. Patience is a virtue that I am somewhat lacking in, but I'm getting much better at being patient and waiting for the right time. I just need to wait. And think.
(I'm secretly extremely hopeful for the future, in one particular respect. I won't tell you what that is, though. I just hope it doesn't all go wrong.)
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Headfirst Slide into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet
This title refers to a baseball player that was notorious for sliding onto bases headfirst, instead of the traditional feetfirst. Then he got into trouble for cheating, so he wasn't allowed into the Hall of Fame, which is situated in Cooperstown. Feetfirst is probably a lot safer, right? After all, you're not potentially slamming your head into the ground that way... That'd hurt. A lot.
I ended up talking to my housemate briefly about What Happened with Ex and Guy. I cleared up a little; I wasn't actually officially dating him before I'd split up with Ex, although I admitted things had got out of hand. I think he's just staying well out of this, glad I found a new housemate to fill the empty room, a bit sad that there'll be no Curry Night due to awkward-weirdness. We're still friends, and we're going to have some pizza when he comes back this weekend.
I am pretty glad we're friends. Towards the end of the relationship, I found myself hanging out with him quite a lot, just chilling in his room, reading notes, or talking, or something. I'm finding it really hard now to be alone, and I'm glad he'll be around this term, to stop me just driving myself insane. We're not deep-soul-chat friends, but I know we're close in some ways. Camp Sarah isn't particularly popular at this time of year (when is it ever?!), but I reckon he wouldn't mind coming to visit.
I managed to do some fairly good work today. Finished off Measure Theory, wrote up the important results from the course. Afterwards, I picked up my guitar, and I started to play. I found myself starting to write a song. There's so much material I have to write about now: loss, love, life (other things beginning with letters that aren't L?). Got a germ of a good song so far, it's called Two Years. No prizes for guessing what that one's going to be about...
I remember, when I was in high school, I became a sound techie for the school production of Grease. I auditioned for an acting/dancing part initially. They had a secret ranking: so they'd say a word to you when they'd seen you perform and it was code for what they thought of you. (I recall that "banana" was the top ranking.) So, I was with my friends, and they have two left feet, and I have one left and one right, but they're not on speaking terms often, so they got the worst ranking, and I got the one just above that (which I am STILL pleased about!), and none of us got parts on stage. So, I became a techie instead.
I had a bit of a crush on a few of the backstagers, like my fellow sound worker, and the guy who was in the orchestra playing trumpet. But, I didn't say anything to them. Instead, I went home, and wrote letters to them that I had no intention of ever delivering. I did that for a couple of other people as well, friends that hadn't been very supportive, girls I wanted to get to know in a naked way, stuff like that.
I'm thinking I might write a couple letters at some point. Then, I'll go into the garden and burn them, and let the wind carry the ashes. I'm not massively spiritual, like I'd believe that them accidentally inhaling a particle of my letter would get them thinking about it, but... I dunno. I like the idea of my deepest desires just scattered about the world. Secrets that nobody can ever read.
The ITV Prime Ministers debate is on tonight! It's a very American idea, like a presidential debate. Luckily, the next title is "The (Shipped) Gold Standard", which means that I won't have to shoehorn my post about it into a title, it'll fit neatly, blister-free. All I'll say about it now is Nick Clegg's in it! It's like a two-and-a-half horse race... nearly. I'm pleased though. He's definitely the hottest out of the three that are going to be on. Plus, I actually like his policies. Vote Yellow, and all that. :)
I ended up talking to my housemate briefly about What Happened with Ex and Guy. I cleared up a little; I wasn't actually officially dating him before I'd split up with Ex, although I admitted things had got out of hand. I think he's just staying well out of this, glad I found a new housemate to fill the empty room, a bit sad that there'll be no Curry Night due to awkward-weirdness. We're still friends, and we're going to have some pizza when he comes back this weekend.
I am pretty glad we're friends. Towards the end of the relationship, I found myself hanging out with him quite a lot, just chilling in his room, reading notes, or talking, or something. I'm finding it really hard now to be alone, and I'm glad he'll be around this term, to stop me just driving myself insane. We're not deep-soul-chat friends, but I know we're close in some ways. Camp Sarah isn't particularly popular at this time of year (when is it ever?!), but I reckon he wouldn't mind coming to visit.
I managed to do some fairly good work today. Finished off Measure Theory, wrote up the important results from the course. Afterwards, I picked up my guitar, and I started to play. I found myself starting to write a song. There's so much material I have to write about now: loss, love, life (other things beginning with letters that aren't L?). Got a germ of a good song so far, it's called Two Years. No prizes for guessing what that one's going to be about...
I remember, when I was in high school, I became a sound techie for the school production of Grease. I auditioned for an acting/dancing part initially. They had a secret ranking: so they'd say a word to you when they'd seen you perform and it was code for what they thought of you. (I recall that "banana" was the top ranking.) So, I was with my friends, and they have two left feet, and I have one left and one right, but they're not on speaking terms often, so they got the worst ranking, and I got the one just above that (which I am STILL pleased about!), and none of us got parts on stage. So, I became a techie instead.
I had a bit of a crush on a few of the backstagers, like my fellow sound worker, and the guy who was in the orchestra playing trumpet. But, I didn't say anything to them. Instead, I went home, and wrote letters to them that I had no intention of ever delivering. I did that for a couple of other people as well, friends that hadn't been very supportive, girls I wanted to get to know in a naked way, stuff like that.
I'm thinking I might write a couple letters at some point. Then, I'll go into the garden and burn them, and let the wind carry the ashes. I'm not massively spiritual, like I'd believe that them accidentally inhaling a particle of my letter would get them thinking about it, but... I dunno. I like the idea of my deepest desires just scattered about the world. Secrets that nobody can ever read.
The ITV Prime Ministers debate is on tonight! It's a very American idea, like a presidential debate. Luckily, the next title is "The (Shipped) Gold Standard", which means that I won't have to shoehorn my post about it into a title, it'll fit neatly, blister-free. All I'll say about it now is Nick Clegg's in it! It's like a two-and-a-half horse race... nearly. I'm pleased though. He's definitely the hottest out of the three that are going to be on. Plus, I actually like his policies. Vote Yellow, and all that. :)
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
America's Suitehearts...
I've been watching a lot of Supersize vs Superskinny lately. There's a lot of it on the Channel 4 archives, and it's a good way to spend 40 minutes without too much pain. Basic premise: someone eats too little and is underweight; someone eats too much and is overweight. Swap their diets!
In this latest series, they have a video clip sent from Stateside to the overweight/obese person on the program to remind them that fat kills. You get the shots of them not being able to put shoes on, being washed by careworkers, sitting and looking depressed when their kids run around in the garden without them.
Sadly, there's only so much TV you can watch without just feeling your brain turn to mush, and you desire something else.
There have been occasions when I've almost wanted to be at home. At least talking kitchen with Mom was a conversation.
I've not been a total hermit anyway; I've seen a few people over the few days. Sunday was dinner with some old Christian friends. I am considering seeing them on a more regular basis; they're a good bunch of people, even if their lives are focused around something I can't comprehend right now. I saw Clare and her house on Monday, had a curry with them. I actually had enough leftovers for a full plate the following day too (with rice to spare!), so that was pleasing.
I've been thinking a lot about food lately. There's not a great deal happening here: I wake up, I fritter time on the internet, I eat, I shower, I try to revise, I eat lunch, I revise a little more, I eat dinner, I watch TV and movies and talk to the odd internet person until it's 11:30 and I can go to bed without waking up at ridiculous o'clock the following morning.
Sigh. Lazy Wednesday...
In this latest series, they have a video clip sent from Stateside to the overweight/obese person on the program to remind them that fat kills. You get the shots of them not being able to put shoes on, being washed by careworkers, sitting and looking depressed when their kids run around in the garden without them.
Sadly, there's only so much TV you can watch without just feeling your brain turn to mush, and you desire something else.
There have been occasions when I've almost wanted to be at home. At least talking kitchen with Mom was a conversation.
I've not been a total hermit anyway; I've seen a few people over the few days. Sunday was dinner with some old Christian friends. I am considering seeing them on a more regular basis; they're a good bunch of people, even if their lives are focused around something I can't comprehend right now. I saw Clare and her house on Monday, had a curry with them. I actually had enough leftovers for a full plate the following day too (with rice to spare!), so that was pleasing.
I've been thinking a lot about food lately. There's not a great deal happening here: I wake up, I fritter time on the internet, I eat, I shower, I try to revise, I eat lunch, I revise a little more, I eat dinner, I watch TV and movies and talk to the odd internet person until it's 11:30 and I can go to bed without waking up at ridiculous o'clock the following morning.
Sigh. Lazy Wednesday...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
She's my Winona.
About 9 years ago, an actress did some shoplifting, and it was in the papers and stuff. She was kinda famous, did some movies you might have heard of (Heathers is one). It's a little stupid to shoplift, to be honest. Especially in a designer store. They've got security guards and cameras everywhere! Duh.
What's also stupid is the current thread of news stories about installing a panic button on Facebook. The idea is that kids would feel threatened by a paedophile on Facebook and hit the button, reporting the incident and linking them to a site that can tell them how to deal with bullying, harassment, etc.
The reason it's come about is because of a 17 year old girl called Ashleigh. To summarise the story: she saw a topless boy on Facebook, started to talk to him, met him in person, found out he was a middle-aged murderer.
Now, I've talked to a lot of people on the internet; some were totally normal people, others were dodgy, depraved, and just gross (one guy sent me lots of videos of him masturbating. Yummy.) Some of my closest friends are people I've met over the internet, and then gone on to meet in person. Given that I'm still alive, there are safe ways to conduct yourself over the internet, even if you do encounter dodgy people, that ensure you'll be alive to come home to your folks.
Who meets people when they feel endangered by them? Hands up! Oh, I see no hands. This isn't just because it's the internet - it's because nobody goes to meet someone they don't trust! This is so bloody obvious. It's the way grooming works! Get their trust, get them to meet you without telling their folks. A child who trusts the person they're talking to isn't going to hit the panic button. Therefore, they'll still get murdered, if that's the unfortunate way it's going to go.
As far as I can tell, here is the problem, and the solution:
Problem: Kids/teens are stupid/insecure/lonely, parents don't communicate the risks in a non-lecture way, kids ignore sensible advice because They Think They Know Best.
Solution: Parents, talk to kids more frankly. Kids, appreciate that there are weird people over the internet. Don't meet everyone you talk to. Stay safe. (Never trust topless boys.)
Although I haven't always played it as safe as the government recommends (i.e. don't meet anyone over the internet unless your parents know all the details and come along to meet them too), I think I've done it reasonably. I've always talked to the person for an extensive amount of time before thinking about meeting them, and always stopped talking to them if I found any weird inconsistencies. In the cases of people I have actually met, I've actually got to know some of their friends as well a bit, and they confirmed enough for me to feel okay about it.
So, today's post was about stupidity. If I was on Mastermind, it'd probably be my specialist topic :p
What's also stupid is the current thread of news stories about installing a panic button on Facebook. The idea is that kids would feel threatened by a paedophile on Facebook and hit the button, reporting the incident and linking them to a site that can tell them how to deal with bullying, harassment, etc.
The reason it's come about is because of a 17 year old girl called Ashleigh. To summarise the story: she saw a topless boy on Facebook, started to talk to him, met him in person, found out he was a middle-aged murderer.
Now, I've talked to a lot of people on the internet; some were totally normal people, others were dodgy, depraved, and just gross (one guy sent me lots of videos of him masturbating. Yummy.) Some of my closest friends are people I've met over the internet, and then gone on to meet in person. Given that I'm still alive, there are safe ways to conduct yourself over the internet, even if you do encounter dodgy people, that ensure you'll be alive to come home to your folks.
Who meets people when they feel endangered by them? Hands up! Oh, I see no hands. This isn't just because it's the internet - it's because nobody goes to meet someone they don't trust! This is so bloody obvious. It's the way grooming works! Get their trust, get them to meet you without telling their folks. A child who trusts the person they're talking to isn't going to hit the panic button. Therefore, they'll still get murdered, if that's the unfortunate way it's going to go.
As far as I can tell, here is the problem, and the solution:
Problem: Kids/teens are stupid/insecure/lonely, parents don't communicate the risks in a non-lecture way, kids ignore sensible advice because They Think They Know Best.
Solution: Parents, talk to kids more frankly. Kids, appreciate that there are weird people over the internet. Don't meet everyone you talk to. Stay safe. (Never trust topless boys.)
Although I haven't always played it as safe as the government recommends (i.e. don't meet anyone over the internet unless your parents know all the details and come along to meet them too), I think I've done it reasonably. I've always talked to the person for an extensive amount of time before thinking about meeting them, and always stopped talking to them if I found any weird inconsistencies. In the cases of people I have actually met, I've actually got to know some of their friends as well a bit, and they confirmed enough for me to feel okay about it.
So, today's post was about stupidity. If I was on Mastermind, it'd probably be my specialist topic :p
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I don't care. (That's not true, is it?)
It's occurred to me recently how much I do care, about things, and people. I'm a sensitive person, although I don't always act like one. Sunshine makes me happy, grey clouds make me sad. Reading about child brides in Yemen makes me feel angry and sad (but that's another topic for another day, reader.)
So far, revision is going okay. Just okay. I would have liked to been further ahead by this stage, but it has been incredibly leisurely, so what I've lost out on in terms of achievement, I've also lost out in terms of math-stress. I'm at the halfway mark now. I have 15 days until my first exam. There are 11 example sheets left. I assume that I won't work any slower than one sheet a day, and that leaves me four days to do practice papers and cram results. This is probably good timing; you want to keep exam ready for as little time as possible, and yet you want to give yourself enough time to reach that state.
Very nervous about the second block. There are 20 days between my last exam in the first block and the first exam in the second block. 20 days, four modules, four three-hour exams. HALP.
I'm currently trying to consider whether conference is a good idea. It's be SO AWESOME to spend a long weekend with a bunch of politically minded, intelligent, articulate queer students. Caucuses, workshops, nights out, coffees in. But, it is three days out of that precious twenty. Is 17 days enough? Potentially, I could try to study somewhat on the train, or stay in at night and study then, but I feel that misses the point of an experience like this. You need to talk to the people you meet, make friends, enjoy experiences. For me, I like to do things properly, balls to the wall, or not at all. So, it would be three days completely out.
Money is generally looking good right now. I hope to receive the Weekly Letter every week, which is £20, and I can really economise since I'm not on campus to be tempted by drinks and dinner at the Duck, baked potatoes, and snacks from Costies. So, if I spend £30 a week, that means I'm only spending £10 of my own money. Score! I estimate I can save up to £200 this way.
I cut my thumb today! I was chopping up some sweet potato for my dinner when my knife slipped. It was quiet deep, and the blood was really bright red. It was quite scary, and I didn't have any plasters on hand, so I made one using kitchen towel and masking tape!
Bedtime. ^^ Now THAT is something I am very passionate about!
So far, revision is going okay. Just okay. I would have liked to been further ahead by this stage, but it has been incredibly leisurely, so what I've lost out on in terms of achievement, I've also lost out in terms of math-stress. I'm at the halfway mark now. I have 15 days until my first exam. There are 11 example sheets left. I assume that I won't work any slower than one sheet a day, and that leaves me four days to do practice papers and cram results. This is probably good timing; you want to keep exam ready for as little time as possible, and yet you want to give yourself enough time to reach that state.
Very nervous about the second block. There are 20 days between my last exam in the first block and the first exam in the second block. 20 days, four modules, four three-hour exams. HALP.
I'm currently trying to consider whether conference is a good idea. It's be SO AWESOME to spend a long weekend with a bunch of politically minded, intelligent, articulate queer students. Caucuses, workshops, nights out, coffees in. But, it is three days out of that precious twenty. Is 17 days enough? Potentially, I could try to study somewhat on the train, or stay in at night and study then, but I feel that misses the point of an experience like this. You need to talk to the people you meet, make friends, enjoy experiences. For me, I like to do things properly, balls to the wall, or not at all. So, it would be three days completely out.
Money is generally looking good right now. I hope to receive the Weekly Letter every week, which is £20, and I can really economise since I'm not on campus to be tempted by drinks and dinner at the Duck, baked potatoes, and snacks from Costies. So, if I spend £30 a week, that means I'm only spending £10 of my own money. Score! I estimate I can save up to £200 this way.
I cut my thumb today! I was chopping up some sweet potato for my dinner when my knife slipped. It was quiet deep, and the blood was really bright red. It was quite scary, and I didn't have any plasters on hand, so I made one using kitchen towel and masking tape!
Bedtime. ^^ Now THAT is something I am very passionate about!
Friday, April 09, 2010
Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes
This title is... insane! The actual song has nothing to do with disloyalty, ordering, water OR buffaloes. But, you know, let's see where we go from here:
Disloyal...
I've been practising being single. Sort of. It's more practising "not having a person around all who does the cooking and the cleaning". Which is entirely different, now that I think about it.
What I have with New Guy is very different to what I had before. It's friends with benefits, but with exclusivity. Sounds a lot like a Relationship, except he's given it a fairly firm expiry date, which... you know, a Relationship doesn't have one of those. Of course, if it turns out he actually sticks around, I'll be pretty thrilled and it'll be interesting to see how it works out. But, I'm not holding out for it. I'd be a fool to.
Order!
Being in the house alone has been quite a nice thing, actually. I play Fall Out Boy as loudly as I like, I always know how much milk I have at all times, I don't have to worry about setting the alarm on anyone, I don't have to be home for anyone. I've been steadily cleaning the house. Bathroom was last night, kitchen was this morning. Over the weekend, I plan to find to vacuum. So, the house will be all shiny and clean and pretty for everyone to come back to.
I'm actually enjoying looking after myself. I got so lazy before, I really did. I am totally capable of buying my own milk and beef, and carrying it home myself, and cooking for myself, and cleaning up after myself, and other things. I don't need anyone to do those things for me, and I really should do them myself.
Water.
My appetite's been a bit off lately. I only managed to eat half of my pasta bol last night, I had to tupperware the rest away. I ate one carrot stick and half a pitta bread dipped in hummous before giving up (I just wasn't hungry). At least I finished dinner today. I don't think I'm sick or anything, it's just a bit weird. I've been going into campus to work 11-3 the past few days. Maybe a bit more walking, and I'll feel okay... :)
Buffaloes!
"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." That is all.
Disloyal...
I've been practising being single. Sort of. It's more practising "not having a person around all who does the cooking and the cleaning". Which is entirely different, now that I think about it.
What I have with New Guy is very different to what I had before. It's friends with benefits, but with exclusivity. Sounds a lot like a Relationship, except he's given it a fairly firm expiry date, which... you know, a Relationship doesn't have one of those. Of course, if it turns out he actually sticks around, I'll be pretty thrilled and it'll be interesting to see how it works out. But, I'm not holding out for it. I'd be a fool to.
Order!
Being in the house alone has been quite a nice thing, actually. I play Fall Out Boy as loudly as I like, I always know how much milk I have at all times, I don't have to worry about setting the alarm on anyone, I don't have to be home for anyone. I've been steadily cleaning the house. Bathroom was last night, kitchen was this morning. Over the weekend, I plan to find to vacuum. So, the house will be all shiny and clean and pretty for everyone to come back to.
I'm actually enjoying looking after myself. I got so lazy before, I really did. I am totally capable of buying my own milk and beef, and carrying it home myself, and cooking for myself, and cleaning up after myself, and other things. I don't need anyone to do those things for me, and I really should do them myself.
Water.
My appetite's been a bit off lately. I only managed to eat half of my pasta bol last night, I had to tupperware the rest away. I ate one carrot stick and half a pitta bread dipped in hummous before giving up (I just wasn't hungry). At least I finished dinner today. I don't think I'm sick or anything, it's just a bit weird. I've been going into campus to work 11-3 the past few days. Maybe a bit more walking, and I'll feel okay... :)
Buffaloes!
"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." That is all.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Nod to the past.
I decided to change the format of my blog today. It's pretty! ^^
I also decided to do something I haven't done for a long time. I used to theme sets of blog posts; I'd take each phrase of the Our Father, or Hail Mary, and write a post about it (with the occasional hiatus if something happened that didn't fit the theme).
Since Fall Out Boy is probably the closest thing I have to religion right now, it seems fitting to base the next few posts on the titles of each track from an album. I'll start with Folie a Deux, and see how it goes. If you know anything about Fall Out Boy, you'll know their lyrics are hilarious and their titles are mad. For example, the first title I have to tackle is "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes": I'm thinking wtf just as much as you are. So, this will be a fun challenge, if anything.
So, that's the plan. Keep tuning in, kids! :)
I also decided to do something I haven't done for a long time. I used to theme sets of blog posts; I'd take each phrase of the Our Father, or Hail Mary, and write a post about it (with the occasional hiatus if something happened that didn't fit the theme).
Since Fall Out Boy is probably the closest thing I have to religion right now, it seems fitting to base the next few posts on the titles of each track from an album. I'll start with Folie a Deux, and see how it goes. If you know anything about Fall Out Boy, you'll know their lyrics are hilarious and their titles are mad. For example, the first title I have to tackle is "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes": I'm thinking wtf just as much as you are. So, this will be a fun challenge, if anything.
So, that's the plan. Keep tuning in, kids! :)
Saturday, April 03, 2010
Truffles!
I did making truffles with mommy today! We measured and melted chocolate, added cream, let it set in the fridge, scooped and shaped it into balls, coated the balls in different things, and then put the balls into little cake cases. There are four varieties, each with a different colour cake case:
It took out a whole day of studying, but it was pretty fun doing that...
- Red: Milk chocolate truffles, flavoured with rum and vanilla, coated in ground pistachios.
- Green: Milk chocolate truffles, flavoured with ground almonds and vanilla, coated in ground almonds.
- Gold: White chocolate truffles, with milk chocolate swirls inside, coated in chocolate powder.
- Silver: Milk chocolate truffles, coated in chocolate powder.
It took out a whole day of studying, but it was pretty fun doing that...
F*ck this.
I hate feeling this way. I'm at home, so that's throwing up a whole lot of feelings. I've failed to mention any of the big things I wanted to this holiday (mostly David)... I know that Mom talking about wheatgrass paint and church-related drama isn't the most thrilling thing to sit through, but it's a conversation about something. She decided to tell me the stories, so that's something at least.
I feel so insecure. I know I am probably alright on my own. Like, I can be okay. I don't *require* people to support me. But it's difficult. I just feel pretty worthless to be honest.
I mean, logically, I can say quite confidently I'm not ugly, I'm kinda interesting (I knit, I like strange music, and I can get drunk off nothing but a good atmosphere), and I shouldn't feel so down about myself. I'm me! It's not that bad, really.
I feel like, once again, I've screwed it up. I didn't do it the way you're supposed to.
I really really want this to work out. And, part of it is so that I don't have to be alone, I'll admit that. But, there's more to it than that. I like him. I like him more than I like people I've known for years. It doesn't make sense, but there you go. I get excited at the idea of drinking coffee with him, for fuck's sake. I like watching TV type stuff with him, chilled out in his room. There's so many little things I like about him, things he does, things he says.
I'm scared he'll leave me. It's always seems to be the way it goes when I find someone; either I leave, or they do. Nobody ever stays. I found an email the other day, when Laney left me. Summary: "You're nice, but I don't really like you all that much and I'll probably just cheat on you when I get to uni, so, yeah. Sorry." I remember being really sad when she said that. She'd really grown on me by that point. I remember I had made her this thing out of Celebrations and Quality Street wrappers, it was really bright and colourful, and it had "Penny Laney" on it, cos that's what I called her. I think I threw it away when I read the email, but it stayed on my bedside table for quite a while before I did. For some reason, I just wanted to torture myself, a reminder of how undesirable I was.
I hate feeling this way. Powerless. I guess that's why I hate the idea of love so much. It seems to be okay if both people feel equally powerless, and they're happy with that, but I like to be in control. I like to know where things are going, what's going to happen. I only like surprises if I know they're going to be good. Then again, I hate things being boring, and it is kinda boring being in control all the time. I can't win this way. Something's gotta change (and it's probably me).
When I was younger, 14 or so, I wished that I'd fall asleep one day and wake up as someone that wouldn't fuck things up all the time. Reading through my emails the other day made me realise how little I'm actually changed in 7 years. Still selfish, still cruel, still thoughtless. I'm less like that than I was, though. I do care about people who aren't me. I found an email I'd sent to my first ex, basically acknowledging I was deliberately messing with his mind because it was fun. I don't think I'm that girl any more. I'm still capable, I'd just feel too bad about doing it.
I'm trying to be better. I am. I want to be good for him, and anybody else that might come along later. I want to be good for myself.
Stupid fucking emotions. Getting in the way of my studies. It's the human condition, I guess.
(I'll get out of feeling this way some time in the next few days, and I'll look back at this post and just think "I'm such a whiny kid. Man up!" But, you know, this is how I feel right now. :/)
I feel so insecure. I know I am probably alright on my own. Like, I can be okay. I don't *require* people to support me. But it's difficult. I just feel pretty worthless to be honest.
I mean, logically, I can say quite confidently I'm not ugly, I'm kinda interesting (I knit, I like strange music, and I can get drunk off nothing but a good atmosphere), and I shouldn't feel so down about myself. I'm me! It's not that bad, really.
I feel like, once again, I've screwed it up. I didn't do it the way you're supposed to.
I really really want this to work out. And, part of it is so that I don't have to be alone, I'll admit that. But, there's more to it than that. I like him. I like him more than I like people I've known for years. It doesn't make sense, but there you go. I get excited at the idea of drinking coffee with him, for fuck's sake. I like watching TV type stuff with him, chilled out in his room. There's so many little things I like about him, things he does, things he says.
I'm scared he'll leave me. It's always seems to be the way it goes when I find someone; either I leave, or they do. Nobody ever stays. I found an email the other day, when Laney left me. Summary: "You're nice, but I don't really like you all that much and I'll probably just cheat on you when I get to uni, so, yeah. Sorry." I remember being really sad when she said that. She'd really grown on me by that point. I remember I had made her this thing out of Celebrations and Quality Street wrappers, it was really bright and colourful, and it had "Penny Laney" on it, cos that's what I called her. I think I threw it away when I read the email, but it stayed on my bedside table for quite a while before I did. For some reason, I just wanted to torture myself, a reminder of how undesirable I was.
I hate feeling this way. Powerless. I guess that's why I hate the idea of love so much. It seems to be okay if both people feel equally powerless, and they're happy with that, but I like to be in control. I like to know where things are going, what's going to happen. I only like surprises if I know they're going to be good. Then again, I hate things being boring, and it is kinda boring being in control all the time. I can't win this way. Something's gotta change (and it's probably me).
When I was younger, 14 or so, I wished that I'd fall asleep one day and wake up as someone that wouldn't fuck things up all the time. Reading through my emails the other day made me realise how little I'm actually changed in 7 years. Still selfish, still cruel, still thoughtless. I'm less like that than I was, though. I do care about people who aren't me. I found an email I'd sent to my first ex, basically acknowledging I was deliberately messing with his mind because it was fun. I don't think I'm that girl any more. I'm still capable, I'd just feel too bad about doing it.
I'm trying to be better. I am. I want to be good for him, and anybody else that might come along later. I want to be good for myself.
Stupid fucking emotions. Getting in the way of my studies. It's the human condition, I guess.
(I'll get out of feeling this way some time in the next few days, and I'll look back at this post and just think "I'm such a whiny kid. Man up!" But, you know, this is how I feel right now. :/)
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