I've been watching a lot of Supersize vs Superskinny lately. There's a lot of it on the Channel 4 archives, and it's a good way to spend 40 minutes without too much pain. Basic premise: someone eats too little and is underweight; someone eats too much and is overweight. Swap their diets!
In this latest series, they have a video clip sent from Stateside to the overweight/obese person on the program to remind them that fat kills. You get the shots of them not being able to put shoes on, being washed by careworkers, sitting and looking depressed when their kids run around in the garden without them.
Sadly, there's only so much TV you can watch without just feeling your brain turn to mush, and you desire something else.
There have been occasions when I've almost wanted to be at home. At least talking kitchen with Mom was a conversation.
I've not been a total hermit anyway; I've seen a few people over the few days. Sunday was dinner with some old Christian friends. I am considering seeing them on a more regular basis; they're a good bunch of people, even if their lives are focused around something I can't comprehend right now. I saw Clare and her house on Monday, had a curry with them. I actually had enough leftovers for a full plate the following day too (with rice to spare!), so that was pleasing.
I've been thinking a lot about food lately. There's not a great deal happening here: I wake up, I fritter time on the internet, I eat, I shower, I try to revise, I eat lunch, I revise a little more, I eat dinner, I watch TV and movies and talk to the odd internet person until it's 11:30 and I can go to bed without waking up at ridiculous o'clock the following morning.
Sigh. Lazy Wednesday...
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
She's my Winona.
About 9 years ago, an actress did some shoplifting, and it was in the papers and stuff. She was kinda famous, did some movies you might have heard of (Heathers is one). It's a little stupid to shoplift, to be honest. Especially in a designer store. They've got security guards and cameras everywhere! Duh.
What's also stupid is the current thread of news stories about installing a panic button on Facebook. The idea is that kids would feel threatened by a paedophile on Facebook and hit the button, reporting the incident and linking them to a site that can tell them how to deal with bullying, harassment, etc.
The reason it's come about is because of a 17 year old girl called Ashleigh. To summarise the story: she saw a topless boy on Facebook, started to talk to him, met him in person, found out he was a middle-aged murderer.
Now, I've talked to a lot of people on the internet; some were totally normal people, others were dodgy, depraved, and just gross (one guy sent me lots of videos of him masturbating. Yummy.) Some of my closest friends are people I've met over the internet, and then gone on to meet in person. Given that I'm still alive, there are safe ways to conduct yourself over the internet, even if you do encounter dodgy people, that ensure you'll be alive to come home to your folks.
Who meets people when they feel endangered by them? Hands up! Oh, I see no hands. This isn't just because it's the internet - it's because nobody goes to meet someone they don't trust! This is so bloody obvious. It's the way grooming works! Get their trust, get them to meet you without telling their folks. A child who trusts the person they're talking to isn't going to hit the panic button. Therefore, they'll still get murdered, if that's the unfortunate way it's going to go.
As far as I can tell, here is the problem, and the solution:
Problem: Kids/teens are stupid/insecure/lonely, parents don't communicate the risks in a non-lecture way, kids ignore sensible advice because They Think They Know Best.
Solution: Parents, talk to kids more frankly. Kids, appreciate that there are weird people over the internet. Don't meet everyone you talk to. Stay safe. (Never trust topless boys.)
Although I haven't always played it as safe as the government recommends (i.e. don't meet anyone over the internet unless your parents know all the details and come along to meet them too), I think I've done it reasonably. I've always talked to the person for an extensive amount of time before thinking about meeting them, and always stopped talking to them if I found any weird inconsistencies. In the cases of people I have actually met, I've actually got to know some of their friends as well a bit, and they confirmed enough for me to feel okay about it.
So, today's post was about stupidity. If I was on Mastermind, it'd probably be my specialist topic :p
What's also stupid is the current thread of news stories about installing a panic button on Facebook. The idea is that kids would feel threatened by a paedophile on Facebook and hit the button, reporting the incident and linking them to a site that can tell them how to deal with bullying, harassment, etc.
The reason it's come about is because of a 17 year old girl called Ashleigh. To summarise the story: she saw a topless boy on Facebook, started to talk to him, met him in person, found out he was a middle-aged murderer.
Now, I've talked to a lot of people on the internet; some were totally normal people, others were dodgy, depraved, and just gross (one guy sent me lots of videos of him masturbating. Yummy.) Some of my closest friends are people I've met over the internet, and then gone on to meet in person. Given that I'm still alive, there are safe ways to conduct yourself over the internet, even if you do encounter dodgy people, that ensure you'll be alive to come home to your folks.
Who meets people when they feel endangered by them? Hands up! Oh, I see no hands. This isn't just because it's the internet - it's because nobody goes to meet someone they don't trust! This is so bloody obvious. It's the way grooming works! Get their trust, get them to meet you without telling their folks. A child who trusts the person they're talking to isn't going to hit the panic button. Therefore, they'll still get murdered, if that's the unfortunate way it's going to go.
As far as I can tell, here is the problem, and the solution:
Problem: Kids/teens are stupid/insecure/lonely, parents don't communicate the risks in a non-lecture way, kids ignore sensible advice because They Think They Know Best.
Solution: Parents, talk to kids more frankly. Kids, appreciate that there are weird people over the internet. Don't meet everyone you talk to. Stay safe. (Never trust topless boys.)
Although I haven't always played it as safe as the government recommends (i.e. don't meet anyone over the internet unless your parents know all the details and come along to meet them too), I think I've done it reasonably. I've always talked to the person for an extensive amount of time before thinking about meeting them, and always stopped talking to them if I found any weird inconsistencies. In the cases of people I have actually met, I've actually got to know some of their friends as well a bit, and they confirmed enough for me to feel okay about it.
So, today's post was about stupidity. If I was on Mastermind, it'd probably be my specialist topic :p
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I don't care. (That's not true, is it?)
It's occurred to me recently how much I do care, about things, and people. I'm a sensitive person, although I don't always act like one. Sunshine makes me happy, grey clouds make me sad. Reading about child brides in Yemen makes me feel angry and sad (but that's another topic for another day, reader.)
So far, revision is going okay. Just okay. I would have liked to been further ahead by this stage, but it has been incredibly leisurely, so what I've lost out on in terms of achievement, I've also lost out in terms of math-stress. I'm at the halfway mark now. I have 15 days until my first exam. There are 11 example sheets left. I assume that I won't work any slower than one sheet a day, and that leaves me four days to do practice papers and cram results. This is probably good timing; you want to keep exam ready for as little time as possible, and yet you want to give yourself enough time to reach that state.
Very nervous about the second block. There are 20 days between my last exam in the first block and the first exam in the second block. 20 days, four modules, four three-hour exams. HALP.
I'm currently trying to consider whether conference is a good idea. It's be SO AWESOME to spend a long weekend with a bunch of politically minded, intelligent, articulate queer students. Caucuses, workshops, nights out, coffees in. But, it is three days out of that precious twenty. Is 17 days enough? Potentially, I could try to study somewhat on the train, or stay in at night and study then, but I feel that misses the point of an experience like this. You need to talk to the people you meet, make friends, enjoy experiences. For me, I like to do things properly, balls to the wall, or not at all. So, it would be three days completely out.
Money is generally looking good right now. I hope to receive the Weekly Letter every week, which is £20, and I can really economise since I'm not on campus to be tempted by drinks and dinner at the Duck, baked potatoes, and snacks from Costies. So, if I spend £30 a week, that means I'm only spending £10 of my own money. Score! I estimate I can save up to £200 this way.
I cut my thumb today! I was chopping up some sweet potato for my dinner when my knife slipped. It was quiet deep, and the blood was really bright red. It was quite scary, and I didn't have any plasters on hand, so I made one using kitchen towel and masking tape!
Bedtime. ^^ Now THAT is something I am very passionate about!
So far, revision is going okay. Just okay. I would have liked to been further ahead by this stage, but it has been incredibly leisurely, so what I've lost out on in terms of achievement, I've also lost out in terms of math-stress. I'm at the halfway mark now. I have 15 days until my first exam. There are 11 example sheets left. I assume that I won't work any slower than one sheet a day, and that leaves me four days to do practice papers and cram results. This is probably good timing; you want to keep exam ready for as little time as possible, and yet you want to give yourself enough time to reach that state.
Very nervous about the second block. There are 20 days between my last exam in the first block and the first exam in the second block. 20 days, four modules, four three-hour exams. HALP.
I'm currently trying to consider whether conference is a good idea. It's be SO AWESOME to spend a long weekend with a bunch of politically minded, intelligent, articulate queer students. Caucuses, workshops, nights out, coffees in. But, it is three days out of that precious twenty. Is 17 days enough? Potentially, I could try to study somewhat on the train, or stay in at night and study then, but I feel that misses the point of an experience like this. You need to talk to the people you meet, make friends, enjoy experiences. For me, I like to do things properly, balls to the wall, or not at all. So, it would be three days completely out.
Money is generally looking good right now. I hope to receive the Weekly Letter every week, which is £20, and I can really economise since I'm not on campus to be tempted by drinks and dinner at the Duck, baked potatoes, and snacks from Costies. So, if I spend £30 a week, that means I'm only spending £10 of my own money. Score! I estimate I can save up to £200 this way.
I cut my thumb today! I was chopping up some sweet potato for my dinner when my knife slipped. It was quiet deep, and the blood was really bright red. It was quite scary, and I didn't have any plasters on hand, so I made one using kitchen towel and masking tape!
Bedtime. ^^ Now THAT is something I am very passionate about!
Friday, April 09, 2010
Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes
This title is... insane! The actual song has nothing to do with disloyalty, ordering, water OR buffaloes. But, you know, let's see where we go from here:
Disloyal...
I've been practising being single. Sort of. It's more practising "not having a person around all who does the cooking and the cleaning". Which is entirely different, now that I think about it.
What I have with New Guy is very different to what I had before. It's friends with benefits, but with exclusivity. Sounds a lot like a Relationship, except he's given it a fairly firm expiry date, which... you know, a Relationship doesn't have one of those. Of course, if it turns out he actually sticks around, I'll be pretty thrilled and it'll be interesting to see how it works out. But, I'm not holding out for it. I'd be a fool to.
Order!
Being in the house alone has been quite a nice thing, actually. I play Fall Out Boy as loudly as I like, I always know how much milk I have at all times, I don't have to worry about setting the alarm on anyone, I don't have to be home for anyone. I've been steadily cleaning the house. Bathroom was last night, kitchen was this morning. Over the weekend, I plan to find to vacuum. So, the house will be all shiny and clean and pretty for everyone to come back to.
I'm actually enjoying looking after myself. I got so lazy before, I really did. I am totally capable of buying my own milk and beef, and carrying it home myself, and cooking for myself, and cleaning up after myself, and other things. I don't need anyone to do those things for me, and I really should do them myself.
Water.
My appetite's been a bit off lately. I only managed to eat half of my pasta bol last night, I had to tupperware the rest away. I ate one carrot stick and half a pitta bread dipped in hummous before giving up (I just wasn't hungry). At least I finished dinner today. I don't think I'm sick or anything, it's just a bit weird. I've been going into campus to work 11-3 the past few days. Maybe a bit more walking, and I'll feel okay... :)
Buffaloes!
"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." That is all.
Disloyal...
I've been practising being single. Sort of. It's more practising "not having a person around all who does the cooking and the cleaning". Which is entirely different, now that I think about it.
What I have with New Guy is very different to what I had before. It's friends with benefits, but with exclusivity. Sounds a lot like a Relationship, except he's given it a fairly firm expiry date, which... you know, a Relationship doesn't have one of those. Of course, if it turns out he actually sticks around, I'll be pretty thrilled and it'll be interesting to see how it works out. But, I'm not holding out for it. I'd be a fool to.
Order!
Being in the house alone has been quite a nice thing, actually. I play Fall Out Boy as loudly as I like, I always know how much milk I have at all times, I don't have to worry about setting the alarm on anyone, I don't have to be home for anyone. I've been steadily cleaning the house. Bathroom was last night, kitchen was this morning. Over the weekend, I plan to find to vacuum. So, the house will be all shiny and clean and pretty for everyone to come back to.
I'm actually enjoying looking after myself. I got so lazy before, I really did. I am totally capable of buying my own milk and beef, and carrying it home myself, and cooking for myself, and cleaning up after myself, and other things. I don't need anyone to do those things for me, and I really should do them myself.
Water.
My appetite's been a bit off lately. I only managed to eat half of my pasta bol last night, I had to tupperware the rest away. I ate one carrot stick and half a pitta bread dipped in hummous before giving up (I just wasn't hungry). At least I finished dinner today. I don't think I'm sick or anything, it's just a bit weird. I've been going into campus to work 11-3 the past few days. Maybe a bit more walking, and I'll feel okay... :)
Buffaloes!
"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." That is all.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Nod to the past.
I decided to change the format of my blog today. It's pretty! ^^
I also decided to do something I haven't done for a long time. I used to theme sets of blog posts; I'd take each phrase of the Our Father, or Hail Mary, and write a post about it (with the occasional hiatus if something happened that didn't fit the theme).
Since Fall Out Boy is probably the closest thing I have to religion right now, it seems fitting to base the next few posts on the titles of each track from an album. I'll start with Folie a Deux, and see how it goes. If you know anything about Fall Out Boy, you'll know their lyrics are hilarious and their titles are mad. For example, the first title I have to tackle is "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes": I'm thinking wtf just as much as you are. So, this will be a fun challenge, if anything.
So, that's the plan. Keep tuning in, kids! :)
I also decided to do something I haven't done for a long time. I used to theme sets of blog posts; I'd take each phrase of the Our Father, or Hail Mary, and write a post about it (with the occasional hiatus if something happened that didn't fit the theme).
Since Fall Out Boy is probably the closest thing I have to religion right now, it seems fitting to base the next few posts on the titles of each track from an album. I'll start with Folie a Deux, and see how it goes. If you know anything about Fall Out Boy, you'll know their lyrics are hilarious and their titles are mad. For example, the first title I have to tackle is "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes": I'm thinking wtf just as much as you are. So, this will be a fun challenge, if anything.
So, that's the plan. Keep tuning in, kids! :)
Saturday, April 03, 2010
Truffles!
I did making truffles with mommy today! We measured and melted chocolate, added cream, let it set in the fridge, scooped and shaped it into balls, coated the balls in different things, and then put the balls into little cake cases. There are four varieties, each with a different colour cake case:
It took out a whole day of studying, but it was pretty fun doing that...
- Red: Milk chocolate truffles, flavoured with rum and vanilla, coated in ground pistachios.
- Green: Milk chocolate truffles, flavoured with ground almonds and vanilla, coated in ground almonds.
- Gold: White chocolate truffles, with milk chocolate swirls inside, coated in chocolate powder.
- Silver: Milk chocolate truffles, coated in chocolate powder.
It took out a whole day of studying, but it was pretty fun doing that...
F*ck this.
I hate feeling this way. I'm at home, so that's throwing up a whole lot of feelings. I've failed to mention any of the big things I wanted to this holiday (mostly David)... I know that Mom talking about wheatgrass paint and church-related drama isn't the most thrilling thing to sit through, but it's a conversation about something. She decided to tell me the stories, so that's something at least.
I feel so insecure. I know I am probably alright on my own. Like, I can be okay. I don't *require* people to support me. But it's difficult. I just feel pretty worthless to be honest.
I mean, logically, I can say quite confidently I'm not ugly, I'm kinda interesting (I knit, I like strange music, and I can get drunk off nothing but a good atmosphere), and I shouldn't feel so down about myself. I'm me! It's not that bad, really.
I feel like, once again, I've screwed it up. I didn't do it the way you're supposed to.
I really really want this to work out. And, part of it is so that I don't have to be alone, I'll admit that. But, there's more to it than that. I like him. I like him more than I like people I've known for years. It doesn't make sense, but there you go. I get excited at the idea of drinking coffee with him, for fuck's sake. I like watching TV type stuff with him, chilled out in his room. There's so many little things I like about him, things he does, things he says.
I'm scared he'll leave me. It's always seems to be the way it goes when I find someone; either I leave, or they do. Nobody ever stays. I found an email the other day, when Laney left me. Summary: "You're nice, but I don't really like you all that much and I'll probably just cheat on you when I get to uni, so, yeah. Sorry." I remember being really sad when she said that. She'd really grown on me by that point. I remember I had made her this thing out of Celebrations and Quality Street wrappers, it was really bright and colourful, and it had "Penny Laney" on it, cos that's what I called her. I think I threw it away when I read the email, but it stayed on my bedside table for quite a while before I did. For some reason, I just wanted to torture myself, a reminder of how undesirable I was.
I hate feeling this way. Powerless. I guess that's why I hate the idea of love so much. It seems to be okay if both people feel equally powerless, and they're happy with that, but I like to be in control. I like to know where things are going, what's going to happen. I only like surprises if I know they're going to be good. Then again, I hate things being boring, and it is kinda boring being in control all the time. I can't win this way. Something's gotta change (and it's probably me).
When I was younger, 14 or so, I wished that I'd fall asleep one day and wake up as someone that wouldn't fuck things up all the time. Reading through my emails the other day made me realise how little I'm actually changed in 7 years. Still selfish, still cruel, still thoughtless. I'm less like that than I was, though. I do care about people who aren't me. I found an email I'd sent to my first ex, basically acknowledging I was deliberately messing with his mind because it was fun. I don't think I'm that girl any more. I'm still capable, I'd just feel too bad about doing it.
I'm trying to be better. I am. I want to be good for him, and anybody else that might come along later. I want to be good for myself.
Stupid fucking emotions. Getting in the way of my studies. It's the human condition, I guess.
(I'll get out of feeling this way some time in the next few days, and I'll look back at this post and just think "I'm such a whiny kid. Man up!" But, you know, this is how I feel right now. :/)
I feel so insecure. I know I am probably alright on my own. Like, I can be okay. I don't *require* people to support me. But it's difficult. I just feel pretty worthless to be honest.
I mean, logically, I can say quite confidently I'm not ugly, I'm kinda interesting (I knit, I like strange music, and I can get drunk off nothing but a good atmosphere), and I shouldn't feel so down about myself. I'm me! It's not that bad, really.
I feel like, once again, I've screwed it up. I didn't do it the way you're supposed to.
I really really want this to work out. And, part of it is so that I don't have to be alone, I'll admit that. But, there's more to it than that. I like him. I like him more than I like people I've known for years. It doesn't make sense, but there you go. I get excited at the idea of drinking coffee with him, for fuck's sake. I like watching TV type stuff with him, chilled out in his room. There's so many little things I like about him, things he does, things he says.
I'm scared he'll leave me. It's always seems to be the way it goes when I find someone; either I leave, or they do. Nobody ever stays. I found an email the other day, when Laney left me. Summary: "You're nice, but I don't really like you all that much and I'll probably just cheat on you when I get to uni, so, yeah. Sorry." I remember being really sad when she said that. She'd really grown on me by that point. I remember I had made her this thing out of Celebrations and Quality Street wrappers, it was really bright and colourful, and it had "Penny Laney" on it, cos that's what I called her. I think I threw it away when I read the email, but it stayed on my bedside table for quite a while before I did. For some reason, I just wanted to torture myself, a reminder of how undesirable I was.
I hate feeling this way. Powerless. I guess that's why I hate the idea of love so much. It seems to be okay if both people feel equally powerless, and they're happy with that, but I like to be in control. I like to know where things are going, what's going to happen. I only like surprises if I know they're going to be good. Then again, I hate things being boring, and it is kinda boring being in control all the time. I can't win this way. Something's gotta change (and it's probably me).
When I was younger, 14 or so, I wished that I'd fall asleep one day and wake up as someone that wouldn't fuck things up all the time. Reading through my emails the other day made me realise how little I'm actually changed in 7 years. Still selfish, still cruel, still thoughtless. I'm less like that than I was, though. I do care about people who aren't me. I found an email I'd sent to my first ex, basically acknowledging I was deliberately messing with his mind because it was fun. I don't think I'm that girl any more. I'm still capable, I'd just feel too bad about doing it.
I'm trying to be better. I am. I want to be good for him, and anybody else that might come along later. I want to be good for myself.
Stupid fucking emotions. Getting in the way of my studies. It's the human condition, I guess.
(I'll get out of feeling this way some time in the next few days, and I'll look back at this post and just think "I'm such a whiny kid. Man up!" But, you know, this is how I feel right now. :/)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
