It often occurs to me that there are a lot of memories I have, involving all sorts of people. (Pizza Hut Dan, Emile, Phil, that maths teacher at Bows, Blonde Joseph, not-very-Scottish James, Jack in Year 3, Decimating Ben, Swedish-Israeli Ben, three Matts, Tom E and Tom F, all the Davids/Daves, Bethany, Jewish Richard...)
They might have forgotten me. Several of them probably have. I know, I've probably forgotten some people who remember me.
There's plenty of one-sided memories out there. But, I'd like to hope that I'm remembered by people. The idea of just dying with nobody remembering who you are doesn't appeal to me much.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Would Channel Four please come to the diary room?
It's the end of an era. Big Brother first appeared on British screens in the summer of 2000. I was 11. I didn't particular watch it first time round, but I knew it was happening. And then, every year for the past 10 years, every summer, it's been there.
It's ending this year. I mean, it had to, really. The format was tired and old, peaking in popularity sometime around 2004. It's the perfect example of what the first decade of the new millennium offered to television: voyeurism. For the first time, we all had the technology in our homes, offices and phones to watch 24 hours a day what someone was doing. What's more, we had the drive to watch 24 hours a day. The idea of having people Just Like Us on national TV, living in a house with strangers, that was new. Exciting. We could see them live. Every conflict, every love story, live. All the time.
The newspaper media machines were more than content to publish stories of the housemates; evictions became headlines, shoving international affairs or government politics aside. We, the public, were far more interested in the politics in the Big Brother house. Who wants to read about a stuffy bunch of white middle-class men when we can see people Just Like Us?
But they're not Just Like Us. Sure, they're human. They're going to have feelings and concerns, and so we can relate to them there. But two things come to mind:
One: who applies to be on a show like this?
Two: who do the producers want to see on a show like this?
Exhibitionists. Conflict-making. Loud. Attention-seeking. Fame-hungry.
I've heard all those things said about people in the Big Brother house. I'm not saying everyone in all the houses were all of those things all the time. But, well, they wanted to be on TV 24 hours a day for months in a row. It's not a particularly normal balanced thing, I don't think.
Still, it's coming to an end. I think it's time for TV to find something new. The Noughties were all about reality TV. What's going to be the craze for the 2010's?
It's ending this year. I mean, it had to, really. The format was tired and old, peaking in popularity sometime around 2004. It's the perfect example of what the first decade of the new millennium offered to television: voyeurism. For the first time, we all had the technology in our homes, offices and phones to watch 24 hours a day what someone was doing. What's more, we had the drive to watch 24 hours a day. The idea of having people Just Like Us on national TV, living in a house with strangers, that was new. Exciting. We could see them live. Every conflict, every love story, live. All the time.
The newspaper media machines were more than content to publish stories of the housemates; evictions became headlines, shoving international affairs or government politics aside. We, the public, were far more interested in the politics in the Big Brother house. Who wants to read about a stuffy bunch of white middle-class men when we can see people Just Like Us?
But they're not Just Like Us. Sure, they're human. They're going to have feelings and concerns, and so we can relate to them there. But two things come to mind:
One: who applies to be on a show like this?
Two: who do the producers want to see on a show like this?
Exhibitionists. Conflict-making. Loud. Attention-seeking. Fame-hungry.
I've heard all those things said about people in the Big Brother house. I'm not saying everyone in all the houses were all of those things all the time. But, well, they wanted to be on TV 24 hours a day for months in a row. It's not a particularly normal balanced thing, I don't think.
Still, it's coming to an end. I think it's time for TV to find something new. The Noughties were all about reality TV. What's going to be the craze for the 2010's?
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
But is it lucky underwear?
That is what I am trying to work out today.
A few weeks ago, I bought some truly awesome underwear. Three pairs of Spongebob Squarepants shorts, and some pants with My Little Pony all over them.
Probably the most arousing clothing I own, the MLP pants.
So, it occurred to me that I haven't quite studied enough for Manifolds. So, what do you do? Wear your lucky pants to the exam, of course!
Except my previous pair is in the laundry basket, and it's looking decidedly less lucky as the months progress.
So, time for a replacement, perhaps. The plan is to wear the MLP pants to the exam, and if I ace it, they become my new lucky pants.
This is a perfect plan, with no downsides. (And I'm not planning on being naked around anyone today, so nobody will be able to see the pink pony and rainbow on my butt.)
A few weeks ago, I bought some truly awesome underwear. Three pairs of Spongebob Squarepants shorts, and some pants with My Little Pony all over them.
Probably the most arousing clothing I own, the MLP pants.
So, it occurred to me that I haven't quite studied enough for Manifolds. So, what do you do? Wear your lucky pants to the exam, of course!
Except my previous pair is in the laundry basket, and it's looking decidedly less lucky as the months progress.
So, time for a replacement, perhaps. The plan is to wear the MLP pants to the exam, and if I ace it, they become my new lucky pants.
This is a perfect plan, with no downsides. (And I'm not planning on being naked around anyone today, so nobody will be able to see the pink pony and rainbow on my butt.)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Playing games.
David and I have been dancing. Around each other, as opposed to with each other. Complicated, convoluted paths spiralling around the house. Patterns to follow.
In a way, I'm almost enjoying it. There's only one real way of dealing with him. Play his game.
He won't leave his room if he knows I'm on the landing. He'll move his food preparations in the kitchen so he's as far away from me as possible. He'll leave any communal area I enter.
So, I play. I spend slightly more time walking up the stairs if I know he's waiting in his room for me to leave. I'll deliberately find myself requiring all the areas of the kitchen when preparing something, just to see if he will move every single time I do.
I know it's a little childish, playing the game because he's childish enough to start it. But I just want him to punch me in the face. This situation where we can't clear the air seems really unhealthy. But, I suppose if we were never able to be honest when we were in a relationship, it seems even less likely we'd be able to communicate after it fell apart.
There was one time, a couple days ago, when I was entering the kitchen, and he instinctively began to greet me, but swallowed it, and just made a small "Oh" noise; a mix of disgust and disappointment that I wasn't Matt or Gary (how you can confuse a short black female-type for tall white men, I honestly don't know.) I'd like to think that this whole not-talking, not-seeing, not-interacting thing is just him being incredibly stubborn, as opposed to him genuinely not wanting to talk to me.
But, it's almost impossible to say. I don't know who he is. I never really did.
(I should really start writing some songs/poetry about this.)
In a way, I'm almost enjoying it. There's only one real way of dealing with him. Play his game.
He won't leave his room if he knows I'm on the landing. He'll move his food preparations in the kitchen so he's as far away from me as possible. He'll leave any communal area I enter.
So, I play. I spend slightly more time walking up the stairs if I know he's waiting in his room for me to leave. I'll deliberately find myself requiring all the areas of the kitchen when preparing something, just to see if he will move every single time I do.
I know it's a little childish, playing the game because he's childish enough to start it. But I just want him to punch me in the face. This situation where we can't clear the air seems really unhealthy. But, I suppose if we were never able to be honest when we were in a relationship, it seems even less likely we'd be able to communicate after it fell apart.
There was one time, a couple days ago, when I was entering the kitchen, and he instinctively began to greet me, but swallowed it, and just made a small "Oh" noise; a mix of disgust and disappointment that I wasn't Matt or Gary (how you can confuse a short black female-type for tall white men, I honestly don't know.) I'd like to think that this whole not-talking, not-seeing, not-interacting thing is just him being incredibly stubborn, as opposed to him genuinely not wanting to talk to me.
But, it's almost impossible to say. I don't know who he is. I never really did.
(I should really start writing some songs/poetry about this.)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Swimming in a sea of idiocy.
Politicians are really annoying, what with their soundbite politics and airbrushed posters, but they're not quite as bad as the electorate. (Or the press, but they're just awful scaremongering profiteers sometimes... Maybe I'll rant about them some other time.)
First of all, this rubbish about how Gordon Brown was this "unelected prime minister", which somehow makes him illegitimate. Newsflash: EVERY PRIME MINISTER IS UNELECTED. They're not presidents. We can't tick "Gordon Brown" on our ballot papers (unless we're in his constituency, at which point he is elected to be MP, not PM.) We didn't ever tick "Tony Blair for PM" in 1997; Gordon and Tony were just as legitimate as each other. Here's how it works: the country picks a party, in the form of giving them the most seats. The party selects a leader. So, since we, the people, chose the party, we have indirectly chosen the leader. Within the system we work in, that's where the legitimacy comes from.
So, really, it's not that big a problem that we haven't elected Cameron, Clegg, Brown, etc. Personality politics seem like a bad idea to me anyway. We shouldn't pick our favourite person, we should pick the party with the most competence and best ideas. I guess there is a case to be made that we shouldn't pick someone highly uncharismatic (PMs have to do speeches and diplomatic whatsits sometimes), but I doubt you can get to being a party leader without being at least competent in public speaking.
There seems to be a confusion in the electorate. Well, given half of them are below average intelligence, this isn't entirely surprising, but you would hope that voters are educated enough to realise certain things.
Like, tactical voting. If you really don't want the Tories to get in, for example, it's not good enough to just vote Labour blindly. Have a look at your constituency. If it's a Lib Dem seat, with potential for Tory swing, then vote Lib Dem if you want to vote "not Tory". A lot of Lib Dem seats might have been lost through people saying "Well, Lib Dems aren't going to win, let me pick Labour to ensure the Tories stay out", not realising that the way our system works means that your tactical vote has to be dependent on where you live.
Secondly, all of the big parties are hogging the centre ground. You really need to look quite hard to work out who's actually doing what these days. So, no wonder the electorate doesn't quite know who to choose. The only obvious differences between parties occur at the fringes.
Well, anyway.
Cameron's said to Clegg, "Choose." And Gordon's walked. So, I guess something might happen. Or it might not. I'd rather things took time than were rushed for the sake of an electorate with 5-second attention spans.
First of all, this rubbish about how Gordon Brown was this "unelected prime minister", which somehow makes him illegitimate. Newsflash: EVERY PRIME MINISTER IS UNELECTED. They're not presidents. We can't tick "Gordon Brown" on our ballot papers (unless we're in his constituency, at which point he is elected to be MP, not PM.) We didn't ever tick "Tony Blair for PM" in 1997; Gordon and Tony were just as legitimate as each other. Here's how it works: the country picks a party, in the form of giving them the most seats. The party selects a leader. So, since we, the people, chose the party, we have indirectly chosen the leader. Within the system we work in, that's where the legitimacy comes from.
So, really, it's not that big a problem that we haven't elected Cameron, Clegg, Brown, etc. Personality politics seem like a bad idea to me anyway. We shouldn't pick our favourite person, we should pick the party with the most competence and best ideas. I guess there is a case to be made that we shouldn't pick someone highly uncharismatic (PMs have to do speeches and diplomatic whatsits sometimes), but I doubt you can get to being a party leader without being at least competent in public speaking.
There seems to be a confusion in the electorate. Well, given half of them are below average intelligence, this isn't entirely surprising, but you would hope that voters are educated enough to realise certain things.
Like, tactical voting. If you really don't want the Tories to get in, for example, it's not good enough to just vote Labour blindly. Have a look at your constituency. If it's a Lib Dem seat, with potential for Tory swing, then vote Lib Dem if you want to vote "not Tory". A lot of Lib Dem seats might have been lost through people saying "Well, Lib Dems aren't going to win, let me pick Labour to ensure the Tories stay out", not realising that the way our system works means that your tactical vote has to be dependent on where you live.
Secondly, all of the big parties are hogging the centre ground. You really need to look quite hard to work out who's actually doing what these days. So, no wonder the electorate doesn't quite know who to choose. The only obvious differences between parties occur at the fringes.
Well, anyway.
Cameron's said to Clegg, "Choose." And Gordon's walked. So, I guess something might happen. Or it might not. I'd rather things took time than were rushed for the sake of an electorate with 5-second attention spans.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Stop.
At about 8:20pm on Friday night, I finally admitted to myself that I wasn't okay. Things had got out of hand, and my head was a mess. I couldn't cope any more.
I thought of 13 Going On 30, kinda stupid movie, but I like it anyway. Jenna, 13, with the help of nondescript movie magic, becomes Jenna, 30. After a whole bunch of grown-up things are thrown at her, she feels overwhelmed and goes home to her parents, who make her pancakes and make her feel better.
So, I went home. I made the pancakes though.
I'm going back tomorrow morning. I'm behind on work; I doubt I'll catch up the time I've had to take out. Still, I think I needed it. I don't think I'd have done much better there.
I feel kinda weak, a bit ashamed. I let the situation get to me, I let it break me. But, I know that everyone has limits, and I reached mine and I should just accept it, recover and come back stronger.
I'm not sure where I'm going to go now. I guess I should just take care of myself. I'm clearly more delicate than I think I am. So, reducing stress, trying to focus on the maths ahead of me. I can do it. (Of course I can.)
I thought of 13 Going On 30, kinda stupid movie, but I like it anyway. Jenna, 13, with the help of nondescript movie magic, becomes Jenna, 30. After a whole bunch of grown-up things are thrown at her, she feels overwhelmed and goes home to her parents, who make her pancakes and make her feel better.
So, I went home. I made the pancakes though.
I'm going back tomorrow morning. I'm behind on work; I doubt I'll catch up the time I've had to take out. Still, I think I needed it. I don't think I'd have done much better there.
I feel kinda weak, a bit ashamed. I let the situation get to me, I let it break me. But, I know that everyone has limits, and I reached mine and I should just accept it, recover and come back stronger.
I'm not sure where I'm going to go now. I guess I should just take care of myself. I'm clearly more delicate than I think I am. So, reducing stress, trying to focus on the maths ahead of me. I can do it. (Of course I can.)
Monday, May 03, 2010
Where is my mind?
Woke up again for the second time by my alarm clock. Normally I wake up a few minutes before it, but I didn't today, and I didn't yesterday. Took me half an hour to get out of bed. I'll wake up eventually, but currently, I'm quite tired.
Living here drains me. My sugar moves, I can't use the kitchen without impeccable timing or stubborn determination, I have to consider the cost-benefit analysis of having a conversation in the house. I can't invite anyone over without pissing him off. I've only got a calendar month left here, but there's enough stress to be dealing with already without not having a home to chill out in.
I'm cold. I have to wear two pairs of everything and a dressing gown to stop shivering. It's May. That doesn't seem right.
I listened to my massive amount of Beatles last night. Played "Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand" quite a lot.
I've been talking a lot to A. Ever since first year, I've always wondered whether it was healthy to have such a firm foot in my past, specifically a part of my past that hasn't always been good. But, we're talking a lot right now and I think that the more I worry about Something happening, the more likely it is that something will. But, I'm pretty sure that I can just about handle hanging out with him and not having sex. I'm kinda excited about having a proper friendship with him - we never really had one first time round.
I have to shop today. I've run out of basics, but I've also run out of money. All I have to do is buy enough to survive until Thursday morning.
The sky is blue, with a few puffy clouds. One looks like a unicorn goring a badger. Another one looks like a pregnant goat.
I should get dressed and start my day properly. Gotta stay upbeat, nothing else to do... ^^
Living here drains me. My sugar moves, I can't use the kitchen without impeccable timing or stubborn determination, I have to consider the cost-benefit analysis of having a conversation in the house. I can't invite anyone over without pissing him off. I've only got a calendar month left here, but there's enough stress to be dealing with already without not having a home to chill out in.
I'm cold. I have to wear two pairs of everything and a dressing gown to stop shivering. It's May. That doesn't seem right.
I listened to my massive amount of Beatles last night. Played "Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand" quite a lot.
I've been talking a lot to A. Ever since first year, I've always wondered whether it was healthy to have such a firm foot in my past, specifically a part of my past that hasn't always been good. But, we're talking a lot right now and I think that the more I worry about Something happening, the more likely it is that something will. But, I'm pretty sure that I can just about handle hanging out with him and not having sex. I'm kinda excited about having a proper friendship with him - we never really had one first time round.
I have to shop today. I've run out of basics, but I've also run out of money. All I have to do is buy enough to survive until Thursday morning.
The sky is blue, with a few puffy clouds. One looks like a unicorn goring a badger. Another one looks like a pregnant goat.
I should get dressed and start my day properly. Gotta stay upbeat, nothing else to do... ^^
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