Zip!

If terms were to make a sound, that's what they'd make.

Many, many months ago, I was stood in the Sports Centre car park with a few bags of shopping and a tear on my cheek. My parents drove away, and I wondered just how long 10 weeks would feel.

The first night was slow, and long. But, then I went to the free-food-and-quiz that the Chaplaincy was hosting, and the rest is history.

I'm nearly three years in. That's a long time to spend in one place, I think. I dunno. Three *weeks* can see like a long time to be in one place (especially if it's on holiday with my family).

I'm almost ready to leave in some respects. But not quite. I still like this place. I reckon that, by this time next year, I'll be ready to leave, get a job. I might not even do a PhD. I'm not sure I'm considering doing one for the right reasons. Or even if I'm able to do one, academically.

I was at a table today, in the department. Three (occasionally four) smart guys were on my table, pacing, scrawling on nearby blackboards, braincells firing. I felt so fucking stupid next to them. Like, my brain was made of treacle. I brought a full-set of legible lecture notes, which they frequently perused and occasionally asked me to help find a definition, but that was pretty much the extent of my use.

I just wish I was smart and confident like them. I'm not stupid, I know, but I just want to give up so badly sometimes. It's just so difficult to see someone just pull theorems and results and words out of the air, put them on a blackboard and just make it work, when I spent all weekend desperately trying to get my head around anything and just getting more frustrated and depressed.

It'll pass, it always does. It's hard for a while, then the concepts click and you're doing fine again. It'll just be difficult for a little while, but it's why I'm here, isn't it? :p