(Coffee's For Closers)

A friend of mine came over last night. I've known her since fresher year, but I'd never realised how similar we were, in terms of relationship-type stories. She talked about her exes, I talked about mine, and we just had a pretty good chat. I'll be seeing more of her soon, I hope. She was planning on doing her Masters in a place that wasn't Warwick, but it didn't work out the way she hoped and she figured having a good solid maths background from Warwick won't hurt, given she wants to do a PhD.

Using what I know, what she told me, and general social conventions and age-old wisdom tips, I think I've managed to work out the way you should break up with someone. (At last.)

1. Check you actually want to end the relationship. Are you just having a bad day? Is she just being a nightmare because she's stressed about exams? Is he being neglectful because he's having a personal crisis? Not everyone will be wonderful all the time, but there is a tipping point where you shouldn't have to take a sustained level of crapness.
   
2. Check you think that the relationship isn't fixable. If you're both willing to talk about the problems you have, and you're both willing to fix the broken bits, it's probably worth trying for a little while, and then talking about how you feel it's going. No relationship will ever be plain sailing forever; sometimes it'll just get hard and you both need to work to stay together. If either one of you wants out, and doesn't want to try, no amount of fixing from the other party will help.
   
3. "Let's have coffee. Tomorrow." Try and get it done as soon as possible (after you've established a relationship is unfixable, you don't want to convince yourself that it's somehow okay to stick around.) Do it in person, if at all possible. If you're in an LDR, a phone call is probably best. The relationship deserves respect, even if it is ending. A neutral ground, like a coffee shop, is a good place. They are less likely to get shouty or violent in public, you're not likely to accidentally have sex with them instead of breaking up (like if you were in their place to break up, say), you can both go home to separate places (or back home to the SAME PLACE if you live together. Awkward.) Might be a good idea to order decaf if you're nervous.
4. Explain why the relationship failed. With my Ex/Guy switcharoo, it would seem really obvious that I left Ex because I wanted to be with Guy instead. What actually happened is that the relationship failed because of reasons unrelated to Guy - he just happened to be at the right place at the right time. So, it's a good idea to explain why you're leaving. The less ambiguity you leave, the better. The recipient of breakups can sometimes see things in a distinctly illogical light for a really long time (paranoia, loneliness, depression, etc), and the clearer you make the explanation, the less illogical they can be before facts get in the way. Point out that a relationship is made of two people; just because you're doing the breaking up doesn't mean they're blamefree. Explain what they did wrong as well as what you did wrong.
   
5. Spend a fortnight single. This is an absolute minimum. If you end up meeting someone in those two weeks, and you think they happen to be The One, then hopefully waiting two weeks to date them won't ruin things too much. Basically, the gap is there so you can ask yourself: "Am I dating X to not be alone anymore, or because I really like them?" Plus, your ex is probably going to be sensitive about you dating. If you ever want their friendship, dating within hours of breaking up is probably not the way to go about it.
   
6. Date again, but remembering what you learnt from last time. Very few relationships are ever an entire waste of time, there's usually something positive you can say about them. Remember why you broke up. It's rarely just one person's fault when a relationship breaks up. Try to ensure that the stuff your partner did wrong before doesn't happen again, and try and fix the bits of you that weren't good last time round.
7. ...
8. PROFIT!
   

A sidenote: There's never a good time to break up with someone, but there are bad times which should be avoided unless absolutely unavoidable. Birthdays (yours or theirs), holidays (for example, Christmas, or Valentines Day), just before or during important exams. So, if you determine the relationship is unfixable on, say, December 24, I'd recommend letting the holiday period go by as painlessly as possible, and have a chat on January 4th or something (I'd have said the third, but that's my birthday).

And, as far as I can tell, that's all you have to do. Basically, it's sensitivity, communication, common sense, faith, trust and pixie dust. Now I have to make sure I do it properly this time. Last time I followed this routine, I did this:

1. I did want to end this. I'd been thinking about it for months.
   
2. It *might* have been fixable, but I wanted out. I don't think I wanted to work that hard. I don't think I realised that at some point, I would.
   
3. It was actually Earl Grey, and it was after months of thinking "Should I, shouldn't I?" and finally being persuaded by Guy.
4. I said the relationship was over, but didn't really articulate why, giving him full clearance to assume I'd been dating Guy for a month and was probably sleeping with him, and that I was leaving him for Guy, and that's why she's leaving. I really should have told him more.
5. Spending a fortnight single? Try an hour. (Ex really liked that bit better than anything else I did.)
   
6. Dating again... well, yeah. Guy and I do talk a lot more than Ex and I did about our relationship. And, I'm trying to give Guy some control of what we do, and what's going on, except he never really wants to take it, so we just float about rudderless and awkward until I eventually get things done.
7. ...
8. Profit, of sorts. I got out of one relationship I couldn't stand, but now I'm in one I don't particularly like either.
   

So, now I know how to do it properly (at least, more properly). Perhaps if there's more to add, or mistakes, there'll be additions and corrections. But, I think it's probably a good list.

Now, I just need to wait and think about what I'm doing, for once. Patience is a virtue that I am somewhat lacking in, but I'm getting much better at being patient and waiting for the right time. I just need to wait. And think.

(I'm secretly extremely hopeful for the future, in one particular respect. I won't tell you what that is, though. I just hope it doesn't all go wrong.)