Sometimes, you fuck it up. *shrug* It happens. Pretty often when it comes to me, in fact.
Then you find something wonderful, inside all the mess and entanglements.
I found... a soulmate, I think. We went to dinner last night, Tristan and I, and we talked honestly and we came out the other side. We were both scared, I think, that we'd have just landed on two different opinions that were fundamentally incompatible. But, we didn't.
Of course, everyone at debating jokes that we're this clear obvious why-are-they-not-dating couple, and yet we both agreed we'd be a terrible partnership. But, as friends, it's perfect. We need each other, and we give each other what the other need.
He's my favourite person in the world right now. I can see myself being just as close to him after graduation, and beyond. I will miss him so much when he leaves.
There's still a lot of cleaning up to do, and things that need time to heal, but I am pretty pleased to find that life can throw up something immensely awesome even when you fuck up.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Weekend of...?
This weekend, after lectures, I'm going home, then going to London.
My parents are renewing their vows.
One of the best speakers in debating asked me if I'd like to compete with him in Leeds, and I had to turn him down. Of course, something this important to my family is more important than a competition, but still, it'd have been really great to speak with him that much.
I hope it won't be too awkward. I have lots of new paperbacks now, of varying sizes, so I can slip a couple thin ones into my bag and it might not be so bad.
VERY busy week to look forward to though. Pride Q&A panel stuff, movies, Hornblower, more movies, meetings, socials, lectures, all that jazz.
On top of that, it seems like I should get started with revision in earnest quite soon. Four weeks of term left, five weeks of holiday before the exam slaughter begins. I've been reading through notes, revisiting notation, relearning definitions. My plan is to start to seriously look at example sheets and move onto exam papers, and looking at important exam-condition-provable results from the course.
So, there's lots and lots going on. So far, I'm just running around madly between everything I'm doing and getting tired but still enjoying everything. It's a good thing I'm an optimist with a seemingly endless Supply of Emergency Joy to call upon.
In other news, swimming has made my arms look sexier. SCORE!
My parents are renewing their vows.
One of the best speakers in debating asked me if I'd like to compete with him in Leeds, and I had to turn him down. Of course, something this important to my family is more important than a competition, but still, it'd have been really great to speak with him that much.
I hope it won't be too awkward. I have lots of new paperbacks now, of varying sizes, so I can slip a couple thin ones into my bag and it might not be so bad.
VERY busy week to look forward to though. Pride Q&A panel stuff, movies, Hornblower, more movies, meetings, socials, lectures, all that jazz.
On top of that, it seems like I should get started with revision in earnest quite soon. Four weeks of term left, five weeks of holiday before the exam slaughter begins. I've been reading through notes, revisiting notation, relearning definitions. My plan is to start to seriously look at example sheets and move onto exam papers, and looking at important exam-condition-provable results from the course.
So, there's lots and lots going on. So far, I'm just running around madly between everything I'm doing and getting tired but still enjoying everything. It's a good thing I'm an optimist with a seemingly endless Supply of Emergency Joy to call upon.
In other news, swimming has made my arms look sexier. SCORE!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
It's not rape o'clock. It never is.
According to the BBC, there's quite a lot of women who think that rape victims should take some responsibility for being raped under certain circumstances.
Let's have a look at this, and get some stuff out there.
Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of things that doesn't immediately mean "It's okay to have sex with me":
On a side note, how many people actually say, "Do you want to do this?" every time before actually having sex? How many guys really want to hear the true answer? Everyone's had that time when you're desperate to get laid, and your partner is like, "well, I'm not really up for it..." and you're just stuck, aroused as hell in the dark with a sleeping lump of person next to you. It's not fun... but, sex is just much better with consent. So, you can see where I'm going with this.
So, what about this responsibility issue? I think that girls should be careful, of course. Going home with a man you don't know is probably not the best way to stay safe, and incapacitating yourself through drink is, again, not wise. Neither action immediately implies consent to sex.
However, getting into bed naked with a guy you met hours ago could give the impression that you're "up for it". Being too drunk to realise you're pawing at a guy's clothes could give the impression of consent. I think girls should realise the power of actions. They speak louder than words, after all. I am not defending the rapist for "getting it a bit wrong." Clear consent is the only type of consent that's worth having. A slurred "yeah sure, go for it" isn't really consent.
TL;DR - girls should try not to give off the wrong signals, but guys should never use those signals as an excuse.
(I realise this post is pretty hetero-focused. I apologise; I don't know enough about queer rape issues to be able to comment on them. If anyone does know of news articles, etc, I can read, that'd be good.)
Let's have a look at this, and get some stuff out there.
Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of things that doesn't immediately mean "It's okay to have sex with me":
- Talking to a man flirtatiously
- Wearing next-to-nothing
- Drinking an entire bottle of tequila, or equivalent
- Kissing a guy in a bar or club
- Going home with a guy for a coffee/drink
- Talking about sex with a guy
- Getting into bed with a guy
- Being naked with a guy
- Doing foreplay with a guy
- Saying "It's okay to have sex with me".
On a side note, how many people actually say, "Do you want to do this?" every time before actually having sex? How many guys really want to hear the true answer? Everyone's had that time when you're desperate to get laid, and your partner is like, "well, I'm not really up for it..." and you're just stuck, aroused as hell in the dark with a sleeping lump of person next to you. It's not fun... but, sex is just much better with consent. So, you can see where I'm going with this.
So, what about this responsibility issue? I think that girls should be careful, of course. Going home with a man you don't know is probably not the best way to stay safe, and incapacitating yourself through drink is, again, not wise. Neither action immediately implies consent to sex.
However, getting into bed naked with a guy you met hours ago could give the impression that you're "up for it". Being too drunk to realise you're pawing at a guy's clothes could give the impression of consent. I think girls should realise the power of actions. They speak louder than words, after all. I am not defending the rapist for "getting it a bit wrong." Clear consent is the only type of consent that's worth having. A slurred "yeah sure, go for it" isn't really consent.
TL;DR - girls should try not to give off the wrong signals, but guys should never use those signals as an excuse.
(I realise this post is pretty hetero-focused. I apologise; I don't know enough about queer rape issues to be able to comment on them. If anyone does know of news articles, etc, I can read, that'd be good.)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Catch up!
Two debating competitions: the IV for university students, the school tournament for school kids. Predominantly reasonably cute sixth-form grammar school girls in the schools tournament. That was nice.
Junk food week of DOOM. Tuesday, Ben and Jerry's fest. Wednesday, Pizza Hut with Dave. Thursday, Curry Night. Friday, chinese takeout with Tristan. Saturday, chicken and chips. There's plans to eat at Varsity on Monday. My poor fat-clogged arteries must be begging for mercy now.
Glitterball was a big worry until it happened and nothing went wrong at all. I was quietly organisational, people noticed, I kissed my lovely boyfriend, everyone got home safe, the food was great, my dress fitted me.
Battle of the Bands. My housemate and his band came THIRD (travesty!) despite the crowd feeling they'd at least come second. Such is life. Again, cue the lovely boyfriend. Sometimes you forget how nice it is to just kiss for ages and ages and cuddle a little bit.
Debating confidence wiggles. The IV kinda kicked it out of me a bit (one of the DCA's didn't exactly take a shine to me), but Schools made me feel good about myself again. I called it right, I chaired a room, I gave warm and sunny feedback to ALL the children.
Sleep. The plan was: stay at Tristan's, eat junk food, watch a movie, go to bed fairly early and get to Schools on time. We ended up going to bed quite late and not actually sleeping until 3 or 4. Waking up at 7 wasn't very fun. But, going to sleep on Saturday night, after Tristan coming over to eat junk food and watch Clueless with me while drinking Strongbow and gin, was bliss.
The sky is perfectly blue. There's a little bit of a breeze. I'm listening to Lady Gaga and Robbie Williams. I have spent the past few weeks trying to make various people feel good about themselves in various ways (myself, debaters, Priders, Tristan, schoolkids). Sheraz gave me a cuddle and told me I wasn't awful at all, and in fact quite alright.
I got the calls right in rooms! I justified my decision and actually agreed with myself!
I have lots of plans, short term and long term. I might even have time to read some maths, or perhaps just read for pleasure. Although maths seems more sensible.
Honestly, I don't think things have been this busy and THIS GOOD for such a long time.
The best part is something that kinda made me feel sad this morning. I woke up alone, and it felt very strange. It didn't feel right. The more I think about how my life's going, it's all become possible because of him. He's the lynchpin of my confidence and success... I don't think I could do all this stuff without him. I'm pretty excited to see him again tonight :)
Junk food week of DOOM. Tuesday, Ben and Jerry's fest. Wednesday, Pizza Hut with Dave. Thursday, Curry Night. Friday, chinese takeout with Tristan. Saturday, chicken and chips. There's plans to eat at Varsity on Monday. My poor fat-clogged arteries must be begging for mercy now.
Glitterball was a big worry until it happened and nothing went wrong at all. I was quietly organisational, people noticed, I kissed my lovely boyfriend, everyone got home safe, the food was great, my dress fitted me.
Battle of the Bands. My housemate and his band came THIRD (travesty!) despite the crowd feeling they'd at least come second. Such is life. Again, cue the lovely boyfriend. Sometimes you forget how nice it is to just kiss for ages and ages and cuddle a little bit.
Debating confidence wiggles. The IV kinda kicked it out of me a bit (one of the DCA's didn't exactly take a shine to me), but Schools made me feel good about myself again. I called it right, I chaired a room, I gave warm and sunny feedback to ALL the children.
Sleep. The plan was: stay at Tristan's, eat junk food, watch a movie, go to bed fairly early and get to Schools on time. We ended up going to bed quite late and not actually sleeping until 3 or 4. Waking up at 7 wasn't very fun. But, going to sleep on Saturday night, after Tristan coming over to eat junk food and watch Clueless with me while drinking Strongbow and gin, was bliss.
The sky is perfectly blue. There's a little bit of a breeze. I'm listening to Lady Gaga and Robbie Williams. I have spent the past few weeks trying to make various people feel good about themselves in various ways (myself, debaters, Priders, Tristan, schoolkids). Sheraz gave me a cuddle and told me I wasn't awful at all, and in fact quite alright.
I got the calls right in rooms! I justified my decision and actually agreed with myself!
I have lots of plans, short term and long term. I might even have time to read some maths, or perhaps just read for pleasure. Although maths seems more sensible.
Honestly, I don't think things have been this busy and THIS GOOD for such a long time.
The best part is something that kinda made me feel sad this morning. I woke up alone, and it felt very strange. It didn't feel right. The more I think about how my life's going, it's all become possible because of him. He's the lynchpin of my confidence and success... I don't think I could do all this stuff without him. I'm pretty excited to see him again tonight :)
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Nine stars!
During the summer holidays, I started going to the gym in between my days of working in Sporting Hell Inc. I started to enjoy it, and in my yearly budget for the academic year, I set aside £130 for a membership to the university's sport centre and gym, with a little extra for sports clothing.
One term went by; I went twice. Equivalent to paying £65 per workout. Ouch.
Last term, I made a lot of excuses:
This term's timetable was much nicer. Most days ending at 2, with only one 9am lecture and one 5pm end. There were some 2 hour gaps, and I felt incredibly annoyed at the idea of so much money going to waste. So, I bit the bullet, and tried to fit in the workout in two hours.
Turns out that a round trip (Maths dep't to gym then back to Maths) takes two hours if you really dawdle. Usually, I arrive about 10-15 early for the lecture after a gym trip and collapse in a soft chair somewhere.
So, my schedule became gym between lectures on Monday morning, and gym in between Pride and debating socials on a Wednesday. I am on campus for reasons other than the gym on those days, so I will definitely be on campus
My ideal gym pattern is Mon-Wed-Fri. Problem is, the only gap is the two hours between lectures and debating, 2-4. Due to the layout of the lectures beforehand, this really should be lunchtime. I couldn't fit a gym workout and lunch. Problem. Then Rachel came! She goes swimming at 3 when it's Ladies Only swim, and relatively quiet. So, I go with her.
Once I established an easy-to-maintain pattern, I got a reward chart. One red star for every gym session, one blue star for every swimming session. The chart gives you space to put rewards after an amount of stars of your choosing. I chose:
It's Week 3. I've been to the gym six times, and I've been swimming three times. That is nine stars.
I've started measuring myself on Sundays, and it seems encouraging, although I'm just enjoying having the time to exert myself physically and not think about anything.
Now I can order the Gilmore Girls boxset I've worked hard for! :)
One term went by; I went twice. Equivalent to paying £65 per workout. Ouch.
Last term, I made a lot of excuses:
- It's too hard to fit a workout in two hour gaps!
- I'm too tired at the end of the day to work out after lectures.
- You can't work out before a 9am lecture. That's absurd!
- I'll just not schedule working out for the weekend. That's a trip to campus just to come back.
This term's timetable was much nicer. Most days ending at 2, with only one 9am lecture and one 5pm end. There were some 2 hour gaps, and I felt incredibly annoyed at the idea of so much money going to waste. So, I bit the bullet, and tried to fit in the workout in two hours.
Turns out that a round trip (Maths dep't to gym then back to Maths) takes two hours if you really dawdle. Usually, I arrive about 10-15 early for the lecture after a gym trip and collapse in a soft chair somewhere.
So, my schedule became gym between lectures on Monday morning, and gym in between Pride and debating socials on a Wednesday. I am on campus for reasons other than the gym on those days, so I will definitely be on campus
My ideal gym pattern is Mon-Wed-Fri. Problem is, the only gap is the two hours between lectures and debating, 2-4. Due to the layout of the lectures beforehand, this really should be lunchtime. I couldn't fit a gym workout and lunch. Problem. Then Rachel came! She goes swimming at 3 when it's Ladies Only swim, and relatively quiet. So, I go with her.
Once I established an easy-to-maintain pattern, I got a reward chart. One red star for every gym session, one blue star for every swimming session. The chart gives you space to put rewards after an amount of stars of your choosing. I chose:
- Gilmore Girls: Season 3 after 9 stars
- A nice date with Lovely Boyfriend after 18 stars
- Making my favourite cake after 27 stars
It's Week 3. I've been to the gym six times, and I've been swimming three times. That is nine stars.
I've started measuring myself on Sundays, and it seems encouraging, although I'm just enjoying having the time to exert myself physically and not think about anything.
Now I can order the Gilmore Girls boxset I've worked hard for! :)
Monday, January 25, 2010
I wasn't really expecting that.
One summer, long ago, a friend of mine and I were left home alone. Being 16 years old, we raided the liquor cupboard. We ended up making out on my bed for quite a long time, with her alternating between pushing me away and pulling me closer. Finally, she shoved me away and slept on the floor.
The following morning we had a conversation that was essentially this:
"We're never doing that again."
"Okay."
"It was totally a mistake. It's not like we're gay or anything."
"Well... I'm not exactly straight."
*stony silence*
This silence lasted for damn near five years, punctuated with the odd hateful interjection. Since all our friends were shared, I lost everyone, since she seemed to win that particular battle (I didn't even realise I had to fight it).
I even heard from a close mutual friend of ours that she thought that I was in love with her. This was as far from the truth as you could get without coming back.
I just missed my friend.
We had been growing apart anyway; she lost her virginity in a tent with a stranger at a music festival, and the girl I had known wouldn't have done that. She left for university in London, and that was it.
It was her 21st birthday a few days ago. I sent her a Facebook message, "Happy birthday!" I have no idea why. I just felt like it was such a stupid thing we fell out over, and given the masses of posts she already had for her birthday, it's not like she'd have noticed my name in the notifications...
I was wrong.
The following day, I saw she'd left me a message in my inbox. She thanked me for the message, and hoped I was well.
It was nice of her to do that. It's funny how a few years erases things that seemed so major at the time, but really are nothing.
The following morning we had a conversation that was essentially this:
"We're never doing that again."
"Okay."
"It was totally a mistake. It's not like we're gay or anything."
"Well... I'm not exactly straight."
*stony silence*
This silence lasted for damn near five years, punctuated with the odd hateful interjection. Since all our friends were shared, I lost everyone, since she seemed to win that particular battle (I didn't even realise I had to fight it).
I even heard from a close mutual friend of ours that she thought that I was in love with her. This was as far from the truth as you could get without coming back.
I just missed my friend.
We had been growing apart anyway; she lost her virginity in a tent with a stranger at a music festival, and the girl I had known wouldn't have done that. She left for university in London, and that was it.
It was her 21st birthday a few days ago. I sent her a Facebook message, "Happy birthday!" I have no idea why. I just felt like it was such a stupid thing we fell out over, and given the masses of posts she already had for her birthday, it's not like she'd have noticed my name in the notifications...
I was wrong.
The following day, I saw she'd left me a message in my inbox. She thanked me for the message, and hoped I was well.
It was nice of her to do that. It's funny how a few years erases things that seemed so major at the time, but really are nothing.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Interesting, Dr Watson.
First post of the year!
I had a great birthday. Apart from nearly getting a parking ticket and my brother bursting into tears at the table, it was everything I'd hoped for and more. I got over £300 in total from birthday and Christmas money and I bought loads and loads of things and stuff. I have headphones, t-shirts, boy tops, kitchen electricals and I still had nearly £300 to deposit. Thank god for January sales.
I found a pleasant surprise. I'd forgotten that last summer, I went mental and cleared out some of my drawers in my room. So, I stumbled upon what is now the Diary Drawer. All my scrawlings from the age of 13 right up to the American summer before exam results. It's weird. I was dating Ashley. I forgot that that was happening right up to university. I was still not over Matt in the biggest way possible. I hadn't forgotten that bit...
I'm still watching Gilmore Girls. I got some awesome yarn from Lovely Boyfriend's parents, so I am knitting with that.
Onwards, Christian soldiers!
I had a great birthday. Apart from nearly getting a parking ticket and my brother bursting into tears at the table, it was everything I'd hoped for and more. I got over £300 in total from birthday and Christmas money and I bought loads and loads of things and stuff. I have headphones, t-shirts, boy tops, kitchen electricals and I still had nearly £300 to deposit. Thank god for January sales.
I found a pleasant surprise. I'd forgotten that last summer, I went mental and cleared out some of my drawers in my room. So, I stumbled upon what is now the Diary Drawer. All my scrawlings from the age of 13 right up to the American summer before exam results. It's weird. I was dating Ashley. I forgot that that was happening right up to university. I was still not over Matt in the biggest way possible. I hadn't forgotten that bit...
I'm still watching Gilmore Girls. I got some awesome yarn from Lovely Boyfriend's parents, so I am knitting with that.
Onwards, Christian soldiers!
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