Je n'aime pas:
Snogging. Ick. Just... ick. A kiss is something *nice*. Snog rhymes with not-so-nice words like fog, bog, and Balrog. [A Balrog of Morgoth... what did he say?!]
Messy. People at school said it when they were going to have a "great night out". This means vomit, tears, stolen boyfriends, girlfriends crumpled in corners with alcohol-induced grief, and a very light purse at the end of the night.
Rejoice. It's the juh sound right in the middle. That, and there's this hymn I sang as a kid involving saying rejoice so many times that you forget what it means, and saying it seems weird.
J'aime:
Awkward. Because it is a little clumsy, all consonants and corners, and it's so nice to say.
Ponies. I'm not really sure why. It's my Word of the Moment, and I just like to say it randomly, as an ice-breaker, silence filler, etc etc. I also like pwnies, whatever they are. I imagine them to be some kind of mythological intertube creature, hiding on blank pages and pwning them before they load, for they are fearless beasts that know no master but the Firefox.
Astute. This word is like... a pillar, when I think about it. A clean, tall, marble pillar in the centre of some ancient city, where the learned would gather and discuss the issues of the day, and wonder how the Powers That Be could screw things up more. Someone told me once that I made an astute comment. I was very pleased.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Put the lights on the tree...
... and call your Grandma on the phone, if she's all alone.
I am rediscovering Sufjan Stevens' Christmas collections.
He recorded them over a period of a few years, making a CD each Christmas to send to family and friends as presents. After people told him they were AWESOME, he decided to make them all into one big box set, and send them out into the world.
I remember when I bought it; I'd never spent £15 on CDs before, so I was pretty hesitant. I'd only heard "Put The Lights On The Tree" and I did love it, so I decided to give it a go.
I am SO GLAD I did.
It's a mix of carols, with and/or without the words, and original compositions. He does the classics, "O Come All Ye Faithful", "Silent Night", et al, but he also includes some I'd not heard of before including "Lo! How A Rose E'er Blooming", which is German and beautiful.
One of my favourites was "That Was The Worst Christmas Ever!". I adore it. I could listen to it all year, and imagine that it's winter and chilled and the sky is piercingly blue and the single wisp of cloud that dares to float lies there, and looks down.
So pretty. :)
I am rediscovering Sufjan Stevens' Christmas collections.
He recorded them over a period of a few years, making a CD each Christmas to send to family and friends as presents. After people told him they were AWESOME, he decided to make them all into one big box set, and send them out into the world.
I remember when I bought it; I'd never spent £15 on CDs before, so I was pretty hesitant. I'd only heard "Put The Lights On The Tree" and I did love it, so I decided to give it a go.
I am SO GLAD I did.
It's a mix of carols, with and/or without the words, and original compositions. He does the classics, "O Come All Ye Faithful", "Silent Night", et al, but he also includes some I'd not heard of before including "Lo! How A Rose E'er Blooming", which is German and beautiful.
One of my favourites was "That Was The Worst Christmas Ever!". I adore it. I could listen to it all year, and imagine that it's winter and chilled and the sky is piercingly blue and the single wisp of cloud that dares to float lies there, and looks down.
So pretty. :)
Saturday, September 27, 2008
What's new, pussycat?
Quite a lot, and nothing at all.
I live in a house with my parents, and now I think I might have found a home, in Canley of all places! My best friend and lover sleeps upstairs. Sometimes I like to go upstairs while he sleeps, and touch his hair, his face, his arms, and remind myself of how lucky I am to have managed to keep this one.
Things are so mundane sometimes. Those times are usually in the mornings, just before D wakes up.
I do some laundry and watch the machine rock back and forth; I open the curtains to let in the light of day, and see the garden through net curtains; I listen to Elliott Smith and knit a few rows; I update my To-Do list on my whiteboard; I sing, I dance; I discover surprise cuts and scars on my fingers and arms; I lie cuddled up in dinosaur bedsheets alone, feeling the colours surround me but noticing that my feet are still quite cold.
Our other two housemates like to play music; I can hear the N. Irish one playing the Smiths, the bassline is so nice.
Last night, D and I watched Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Extended edition. The whole of it, in one evening. Then, we made my bed and tidied my room. We snuggled in my dinosaur bed, and I drifted inexorably to sleep. He tucked me in and kissed me goodnight.
It's quite hard for me to describe how I felt right then. It was like when you drink a really good cup of hot chocolate, and it just warms you, from fingers to toes, and you can't help but forget everything that's not quite right, or things you wished for that never happened, because the moment you have right now is something pretty special.
Term starts on Monday. This last week has been good. It's been really good. I hope I don't get too busy. I'd hate for me to go a whole term without having the time to chill out, and relax.
TL;DR - I feel like this: Colon, Closing Bracket.
I live in a house with my parents, and now I think I might have found a home, in Canley of all places! My best friend and lover sleeps upstairs. Sometimes I like to go upstairs while he sleeps, and touch his hair, his face, his arms, and remind myself of how lucky I am to have managed to keep this one.
Things are so mundane sometimes. Those times are usually in the mornings, just before D wakes up.
I do some laundry and watch the machine rock back and forth; I open the curtains to let in the light of day, and see the garden through net curtains; I listen to Elliott Smith and knit a few rows; I update my To-Do list on my whiteboard; I sing, I dance; I discover surprise cuts and scars on my fingers and arms; I lie cuddled up in dinosaur bedsheets alone, feeling the colours surround me but noticing that my feet are still quite cold.
Our other two housemates like to play music; I can hear the N. Irish one playing the Smiths, the bassline is so nice.
Last night, D and I watched Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Extended edition. The whole of it, in one evening. Then, we made my bed and tidied my room. We snuggled in my dinosaur bed, and I drifted inexorably to sleep. He tucked me in and kissed me goodnight.
It's quite hard for me to describe how I felt right then. It was like when you drink a really good cup of hot chocolate, and it just warms you, from fingers to toes, and you can't help but forget everything that's not quite right, or things you wished for that never happened, because the moment you have right now is something pretty special.
Term starts on Monday. This last week has been good. It's been really good. I hope I don't get too busy. I'd hate for me to go a whole term without having the time to chill out, and relax.
TL;DR - I feel like this: Colon, Closing Bracket.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Another installment of family-related fail.
So, my mother has taken this girl, noticed her laissez-faire attitude when it comes to ironing and bedmaking, seen the boxers and the manshirts and found out she's chosen male housemates. She has come to this decision.
I either am a man, or want to be one.
She then said that "my Kelly" is the only girl she knows that dresses like I do. But she actually dresses *like a guy*. I just wear clothes... in a kinda girlish fashion, I'd say! I wear boxers in bed mostly, or just to wander around the house, so that Dad doesn't freak out and tell me to put clothes on. I wore men's tshirts cos I hated how I looked in fitted stuff because of the body image issues I've had since FOREVER. It's not fair to blame my parents entirely, but I think I'll blame the male half of Team Parental just a little. Sometimes, it is cool to play it androgynous - I do like guyshirts, and keeping things a little sharp - but with my Features, it makes it difficult. But, sometimes it's nice to just go out, not dress to kill, slob around, and let guys treat you as a non-threatening equal. I don't mind being "one of the guys" in a social sense - but not in a literal "Woo! We all have cocks... except Sarah, who really would quite like one."
I'm not a big fan of cock. [There are a few exceptions. Don't worry!]
I... where did this come from? I thought that I was really quite girly in my own way. I don't wear jewellery all the time, but I do sometimes. I love skirts, and feeling pretty. I've worn dresses voluntarily. I brush my hair. If she'd been paying ANY attention to me while I've been at home, she'll have noticed that I love my fitted jeans and the new red skirt I bought. Not really a stereotypical item of clothing for a "man" to wear: a cute, pleated, red skirt.
Why do I feel like I have to justify myself so much?
And does this mean that that my parents have actually realised that Kelly likes girls? I mean, my gaydar is totally malfunctioning - it only seems to work on guys. But, with her, I'm just like "ding ding ding!" BUT it could be because I know she's into me.
My mother wished I was more feminine. She said that she really would like me to be.
Why can't I just be me? Why can't that be good enough...?
I either am a man, or want to be one.
She then said that "my Kelly" is the only girl she knows that dresses like I do. But she actually dresses *like a guy*. I just wear clothes... in a kinda girlish fashion, I'd say! I wear boxers in bed mostly, or just to wander around the house, so that Dad doesn't freak out and tell me to put clothes on. I wore men's tshirts cos I hated how I looked in fitted stuff because of the body image issues I've had since FOREVER. It's not fair to blame my parents entirely, but I think I'll blame the male half of Team Parental just a little. Sometimes, it is cool to play it androgynous - I do like guyshirts, and keeping things a little sharp - but with my Features, it makes it difficult. But, sometimes it's nice to just go out, not dress to kill, slob around, and let guys treat you as a non-threatening equal. I don't mind being "one of the guys" in a social sense - but not in a literal "Woo! We all have cocks... except Sarah, who really would quite like one."
I'm not a big fan of cock. [There are a few exceptions. Don't worry!]
I... where did this come from? I thought that I was really quite girly in my own way. I don't wear jewellery all the time, but I do sometimes. I love skirts, and feeling pretty. I've worn dresses voluntarily. I brush my hair. If she'd been paying ANY attention to me while I've been at home, she'll have noticed that I love my fitted jeans and the new red skirt I bought. Not really a stereotypical item of clothing for a "man" to wear: a cute, pleated, red skirt.
Why do I feel like I have to justify myself so much?
And does this mean that that my parents have actually realised that Kelly likes girls? I mean, my gaydar is totally malfunctioning - it only seems to work on guys. But, with her, I'm just like "ding ding ding!" BUT it could be because I know she's into me.
My mother wished I was more feminine. She said that she really would like me to be.
Why can't I just be me? Why can't that be good enough...?
Friday, September 19, 2008
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus!
But, more than you'll ever know.
Everyone has songs in relationships that remind them of your other half. In my case, there's usually several, but sometimes, just one where all of that emotion and pain and bliss and anger and fear just... collide, into a set of notes and chords and vocal chords.
With my first ex, Doormat Ex, the Main Song was Beautiful by Athlete. Pretty easy to avoid when I couldn't stand the thought of being his any more; it's an album track, so no radio time, and Athlete wasn't very big back then, so no danger of just being shocked with it while being out.
Decimating Ex, Ben, had Wonderwall. That was horrible. He took my heart, tried really hard to shatter it, and left me with a whole lot of sadness whenever I heard Oasis' most popular song [that's debateable, whether it's THE most popular, but it's right up there.] Oasis was off limits for MONTHS. We broke up on Chrimble '05, I think. It's approaching Chrimble '08, and I can now listen to it without crying. Three f*cking years it took. He has no idea.
Matt... was weird. He meant the most, but I don't think I had any songs that are painful or weird for me to listen to. There's Tyrant, by the Bravery, and Teardrop, the Massive Attack song. "Words of wisdom, from your tyrant's mouth". I remember being in the Study Centre, writing him emails on Gmail because Hotmail and Yahoo! were blocked, and we would chat, and I wouldn't study, and he worked shitty hours, and I played that song nonstop because it was just so cool. I'm playing it now. I don't feel sad. I grew so much with him, I couldn't possibly feel too sad thinking back.
And, then... there's Ash. Fail Ex. There's a lot of songs that remind me of times we had together.
There's kinda Kelly too. Sort of.
Ash and Kelly share a song. But, it's more Ash than Kelly. It's "When You Were Young" by the Killers. It's on Guitar Hero 3, and I've played it with both of them. I remember one time with Ash when we'd been... spending some time together... and we were both quite exhausted, and we played Guitar Hero. Well, I distracted him, and I failed Easy mode because he was distracting me.
"He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman - like you imagined when you were young..."
A few nights ago, that song made me immeasurably sad. F*ck knows why. Maybe it was just the realisation that I'm changing and letting go, and it's all very good and for the best, but still, I'm fond of the failpast. Nobody really likes change, everyone likes the status quo, because it's so comfortable. You make it your home, no matter how bad it is, and you accept it. But... not anymore, I guess.
Today, I played that song, felt really good and danced until I couldn't breathe. It was good to be able to associate his song with something positive again.
*crazy guitar solo*
Everyone has songs in relationships that remind them of your other half. In my case, there's usually several, but sometimes, just one where all of that emotion and pain and bliss and anger and fear just... collide, into a set of notes and chords and vocal chords.
With my first ex, Doormat Ex, the Main Song was Beautiful by Athlete. Pretty easy to avoid when I couldn't stand the thought of being his any more; it's an album track, so no radio time, and Athlete wasn't very big back then, so no danger of just being shocked with it while being out.
Decimating Ex, Ben, had Wonderwall. That was horrible. He took my heart, tried really hard to shatter it, and left me with a whole lot of sadness whenever I heard Oasis' most popular song [that's debateable, whether it's THE most popular, but it's right up there.] Oasis was off limits for MONTHS. We broke up on Chrimble '05, I think. It's approaching Chrimble '08, and I can now listen to it without crying. Three f*cking years it took. He has no idea.
Matt... was weird. He meant the most, but I don't think I had any songs that are painful or weird for me to listen to. There's Tyrant, by the Bravery, and Teardrop, the Massive Attack song. "Words of wisdom, from your tyrant's mouth". I remember being in the Study Centre, writing him emails on Gmail because Hotmail and Yahoo! were blocked, and we would chat, and I wouldn't study, and he worked shitty hours, and I played that song nonstop because it was just so cool. I'm playing it now. I don't feel sad. I grew so much with him, I couldn't possibly feel too sad thinking back.
And, then... there's Ash. Fail Ex. There's a lot of songs that remind me of times we had together.
There's kinda Kelly too. Sort of.
Ash and Kelly share a song. But, it's more Ash than Kelly. It's "When You Were Young" by the Killers. It's on Guitar Hero 3, and I've played it with both of them. I remember one time with Ash when we'd been... spending some time together... and we were both quite exhausted, and we played Guitar Hero. Well, I distracted him, and I failed Easy mode because he was distracting me.
"He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman - like you imagined when you were young..."
A few nights ago, that song made me immeasurably sad. F*ck knows why. Maybe it was just the realisation that I'm changing and letting go, and it's all very good and for the best, but still, I'm fond of the failpast. Nobody really likes change, everyone likes the status quo, because it's so comfortable. You make it your home, no matter how bad it is, and you accept it. But... not anymore, I guess.
Today, I played that song, felt really good and danced until I couldn't breathe. It was good to be able to associate his song with something positive again.
*crazy guitar solo*
Wasting time, going blind...
Actually, no. I'm wasting time, but not in a certain way that apparently makes you go blind and gives you hairy palms. Ha.
What have I been up to?
Weeeelll... I bought a bag. Not a girly one! A nice, practical man-bag that is ideal for lectures and debating. Large enough to fit everything I want, and not a stupid oversize women's bag that scrumples up paper.
My head hurts. It might be my glasses, or my hair, or both.
I haven't very much money at all, and I still have that niggling feeling that I've still not got some essentials. Today, I bought fitted bed sheets because I realised that the duvet sets I bought didn't include them. I also turned down the chance to have dinosaur bedsheets, which I now regret. I will buy some tomorrow with Mother, if I remember. Or, look in the Argos catalogue and treat myself to kiddie bedclothes. Yay! [I hope D doesn't mind too much...]
At least I have my HC1/5 off. So, hopefully, I might not have to spend so much money on medicine and sight tests. Woohoo!
Well, as of today, no more non-essential purchases. Essential does include societies, of course. I'd DIE without my loveable debating freaks. I've missed em in a weird way.
I guess I might start to pack clothes later, or tomorrow. I might do books and check kitchen supplies now. Clothes are totally dependent on storage space. I have to wait for D to be scout [not scalped. He's SO CUTE.] and... yesh. All will be well.
What have I been up to?
Weeeelll... I bought a bag. Not a girly one! A nice, practical man-bag that is ideal for lectures and debating. Large enough to fit everything I want, and not a stupid oversize women's bag that scrumples up paper.
My head hurts. It might be my glasses, or my hair, or both.
I haven't very much money at all, and I still have that niggling feeling that I've still not got some essentials. Today, I bought fitted bed sheets because I realised that the duvet sets I bought didn't include them. I also turned down the chance to have dinosaur bedsheets, which I now regret. I will buy some tomorrow with Mother, if I remember. Or, look in the Argos catalogue and treat myself to kiddie bedclothes. Yay! [I hope D doesn't mind too much...]
At least I have my HC1/5 off. So, hopefully, I might not have to spend so much money on medicine and sight tests. Woohoo!
Well, as of today, no more non-essential purchases. Essential does include societies, of course. I'd DIE without my loveable debating freaks. I've missed em in a weird way.
I guess I might start to pack clothes later, or tomorrow. I might do books and check kitchen supplies now. Clothes are totally dependent on storage space. I have to wait for D to be scout [not scalped. He's SO CUTE.] and... yesh. All will be well.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Blag blag, blag sheep, have you any wool?
[disjointed_post]
Yes, sir; an entire bag full of it.
I was tidying my room, and decided to make my mother's pink sports bag my knitting bag. [She doesn't use it anyway - if she did, she'd have asked for it back 4 months ago.] So, along with a few stray needles, I have more than 10 balls of wool; some small, some large, etc etc.
I threw away at least 10 that I knew I would never use. Heartbreaking, but necessary.
In other news, the dinner was fine! Didn't talk to her. Instead, played with the mind of my ex. We talked after about how he had no chance with me, ever. Full stop. And, he was a bit put out, but I told him the truth, so I did good. :p
I went to the hairdressers today. Meh. :)
I went shopping! Bought lots! There was a 20% discount in Peacocks for students, which pleased me greatly. And, I'm going to get my guitar strings changed for the first time in 25 years; it was my mom's guitar, she just abandoned it at her parents' place when she got married.
I got attacked by a fold out laundry basket. I wish that was a lie.
I beat my brother at chess, but it took far too long because he stole my rook when I was too focused on my queen, and I had to wait for ages to promote a pawn and avoid his plucky little rook. It was going to be my victory halfway through, but I was just really slow in actually getting on with it. I'm going to have to work on that.
I'm ending this post here; due to several things, I just feel quite low right now.
[/disjointed_post]
Yes, sir; an entire bag full of it.
I was tidying my room, and decided to make my mother's pink sports bag my knitting bag. [She doesn't use it anyway - if she did, she'd have asked for it back 4 months ago.] So, along with a few stray needles, I have more than 10 balls of wool; some small, some large, etc etc.
I threw away at least 10 that I knew I would never use. Heartbreaking, but necessary.
In other news, the dinner was fine! Didn't talk to her. Instead, played with the mind of my ex. We talked after about how he had no chance with me, ever. Full stop. And, he was a bit put out, but I told him the truth, so I did good. :p
I went to the hairdressers today. Meh. :)
I went shopping! Bought lots! There was a 20% discount in Peacocks for students, which pleased me greatly. And, I'm going to get my guitar strings changed for the first time in 25 years; it was my mom's guitar, she just abandoned it at her parents' place when she got married.
I got attacked by a fold out laundry basket. I wish that was a lie.
I beat my brother at chess, but it took far too long because he stole my rook when I was too focused on my queen, and I had to wait for ages to promote a pawn and avoid his plucky little rook. It was going to be my victory halfway through, but I was just really slow in actually getting on with it. I'm going to have to work on that.
I'm ending this post here; due to several things, I just feel quite low right now.
[/disjointed_post]
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