So, what's been happening? Lots, I guess.
D and I have been cuddleh-snuggleh, and that has been so awesome-cool. Sometimes, I just look at him, and go Zomg! cos he's well cute, innit.
Warwick Debating Society had their [infamous?] Term 1 internal competition. It was a truncated version of a regular IV [debating competition with other unis] except we had two rounds, no semi final, just a break to final. The style of debating we do is in pairs; freshers were allowed to pick another fresher to pair with, and everybody else who didn't or couldn't pick was put into the random pool.
I got paired up with Jonny, who's basically the best fresher and also THE TALLEST BOY IN THE WORLD. He's about 6'4. Our team was named "Little and Large" - lol. I realised we had a really good chance of breaking to the final, which was a bit nerve-making, because I am pretty scared of success.
The two rounds came and went. I was pretty unconfident about how I did, unsurprisingly. So, when they announced the top four teams, and Little and Large was announced third, I was shocked!
The final was... hilarous. We were debating the motion "This House Would Enforce Condom Usage In Pornography", and we were opposing it. I got to talk for 7 minutes about porn, and wanking. Hooray!
We didn't win. But, Jonny won Best Novice, which made me pleased, because even though he was the one that made himself the best, your partner can either improve you or drag you down, so I was pleased that we worked well together. I might even go to Leeds/York IV with him, and chillax and whatnot. :)
For some reason, I got really ill for a bit last night! Super weird. I had a headache, then I felt sick and weak, and bright lights hurt my eyes... I got round Tesco for some bits and then collapsed and fell asleep for a little while. After a couple hours of sleep, I felt much better. :)
Assignments are EVIL AND MUST DIE. Or, just... go away! Nargh.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Huzzah!
6 monthiversary! Yaaay!
I've managed to stay with someone for more than a few weeks.
I made cheesecake and did all the washing up cos I woke up super-early, and I felt like it. :D
I have to go now; supervision at 10, lecture at 11, lots of stuff to do before I relax and stuff :)
I've managed to stay with someone for more than a few weeks.
I made cheesecake and did all the washing up cos I woke up super-early, and I felt like it. :D
I have to go now; supervision at 10, lecture at 11, lots of stuff to do before I relax and stuff :)
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Oh mein Gott in Himmel...
I have recovered sufficiently to regain a semblance of work mode. This is what I have to do:
Sigh. I'm so tempted to drink tea, but it's just a time-wasting measure. Tea later, Algebra I now. :D
- Copy up 9 lectures' worth of material from Algebra I, Analysis III, Vector Analysis and Geometry.
- Do two assignments.
- Essential laundry
- Tidy my room, and make it habitable, since I'll be able to sleep with D again quite soon.
Sigh. I'm so tempted to drink tea, but it's just a time-wasting measure. Tea later, Algebra I now. :D
Friday, November 07, 2008
Point of information, sir!
What's been going on this week? Let me tell you.
So, I was DETERMINED to go on. Come hell or high water, I was not missing any more, goddammit! So, I got dressed, coughing quite a lot, but otherwise good. I wrapped up real warm, cosy coat, nice scarf, and went outside.
I was having coughing fits along the street, when I get to the corner of my street and the main road when I coughed and vomited. Yay! My housemate had been saying I should stay at home the whole time we'd been walking down the street, and I was like "I'm fine - coughing fit - I'm fine". I couldn't really argue any more.
After a fairly humilitating walk home, involving a few required stops [apologies to neighbours' lawns], I come home to D, with flecks of waffle in my coat, scarf, and all over my hands. I was really not happy at all.
So, I stayed in again, and called my mummy, and NHS Direct. Both told me that I should go see a doctor if I get worse, but since it's Friday, I either had to try and get an appointment today [which is always impossible] or wait til Monday [by which point, I might be a shell of a husk of a man, reduced to coughing and reading the Economist, finding their liberal writing and colourful ads pleasing.
I am getting better... it'll just take a while. Hopefully, by Monday, I can leave the house without vomiting.
- I've had a cold.
- I've decorated my street with apple juice and waffles.
- I've slept in bed.
- I've read the Economist and felt really intellectual and stuff.
- I've missed debating, even though it's only been 5 days since I last saw most of them.
- I'm behind in everything, due to missing 4 days' worth of lectures, and I can't do a fair bit of homework because of it.
- Nothing makes sense anymore. Except your face.
- I miss cuddling with D, but I don't want him ill either :(
So, I was DETERMINED to go on. Come hell or high water, I was not missing any more, goddammit! So, I got dressed, coughing quite a lot, but otherwise good. I wrapped up real warm, cosy coat, nice scarf, and went outside.
I was having coughing fits along the street, when I get to the corner of my street and the main road when I coughed and vomited. Yay! My housemate had been saying I should stay at home the whole time we'd been walking down the street, and I was like "I'm fine - coughing fit - I'm fine". I couldn't really argue any more.
After a fairly humilitating walk home, involving a few required stops [apologies to neighbours' lawns], I come home to D, with flecks of waffle in my coat, scarf, and all over my hands. I was really not happy at all.
So, I stayed in again, and called my mummy, and NHS Direct. Both told me that I should go see a doctor if I get worse, but since it's Friday, I either had to try and get an appointment today [which is always impossible] or wait til Monday [by which point, I might be a shell of a husk of a man, reduced to coughing and reading the Economist, finding their liberal writing and colourful ads pleasing.
I am getting better... it'll just take a while. Hopefully, by Monday, I can leave the house without vomiting.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Follow the fold, and stray no more...
Yes, I'm blogging about Obama. More accurately, I'm talking about America [fuck yeah!]
It's quite scary how important the right US President is. Basically, he's as close as you can get to being ruler of the world without being it. Let me explain.
Global economy hinges on its strongest players. The US is one of them. Of course, we know this now that they screwed up with credit and Iceland's collapsed and Northern Rock is a shell of its former sexy self.
Global relations rely on, roughly speaking, people being nice to each other. So, when the US goes around "liberating" and then having to sit in countries because their "democratic" processes just cause rebels to go "lol, whut?" and bomb civilians, it's not really giving them many friends - not just for the countries they go into, but the Western states they'd hoped to have as allies who turned on them.
Economy and Iraq are two of the biggest issues for voters. So, not only do American voters need to be smart for themselves, they need to be smart for us.
~~~
I was quite surprised to find out how many people actually support McCain. To a certain, albeit small, extent, I can see how Obama's lack of experience can look like a poor choice compared to an experienced war veteran with a sexy running mate. [I am not the only one! I promise. A few of my friends would too.]
But... I like Obama. I don't know very much about his policies except what the Economist say about him, and that he wants out of Iraq.
I like him because having a black President will be amazing, and getting out of Iraq is good too. That, and he's cute.
I hope that the American voters pick better reasons than my shallow ones for voting for who they do. :D
It's quite scary how important the right US President is. Basically, he's as close as you can get to being ruler of the world without being it. Let me explain.
Global economy hinges on its strongest players. The US is one of them. Of course, we know this now that they screwed up with credit and Iceland's collapsed and Northern Rock is a shell of its former sexy self.
Global relations rely on, roughly speaking, people being nice to each other. So, when the US goes around "liberating" and then having to sit in countries because their "democratic" processes just cause rebels to go "lol, whut?" and bomb civilians, it's not really giving them many friends - not just for the countries they go into, but the Western states they'd hoped to have as allies who turned on them.
Economy and Iraq are two of the biggest issues for voters. So, not only do American voters need to be smart for themselves, they need to be smart for us.
~~~
I was quite surprised to find out how many people actually support McCain. To a certain, albeit small, extent, I can see how Obama's lack of experience can look like a poor choice compared to an experienced war veteran with a sexy running mate. [I am not the only one! I promise. A few of my friends would too.]
But... I like Obama. I don't know very much about his policies except what the Economist say about him, and that he wants out of Iraq.
I like him because having a black President will be amazing, and getting out of Iraq is good too. That, and he's cute.
I hope that the American voters pick better reasons than my shallow ones for voting for who they do. :D
Sunday, November 02, 2008
10 things to 1.
Meme!
10 things I could say to 10 different people:
- I am afraid that, when we have our first argument, we'll either lose everything, or gain more than I can handle.
- I don't love you anymore. I never did.
- Direct me, Jesus Skywalker!
- Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk? No, really!
- If I wasn't so spineless a few years ago, would we have been friends?
- I know it's difficult to accept that I am not you, and I never will be, but can't I just be good enough the way I am?
- Thank you for letting me walk all over you, and helping me realise later it wasn't okay.
- I feel like I let you down, because I felt you believed in me, but of course, I never let down anyone worse than I let myself down.
- Did you actually get back to that ridiculously keen kid with the free, Citi-funded, Bud in one hand, the self-printed business card in the other?
- You say a word like it's nothing. It's so terrifying when you say it around me, and I hope it doesn't show.
9 things about myself:
- My soul is shaped like a Klein bottle, or a Calabi-Yau manifold.
- You can't touch this. [Stop, hammertime!]
- I'm a /b/tard.
- I'm knitting a torus.
- I love reading my old diaries and seeing how I've grown and stayed exactly the same.
- My handwriting mutates on a daily/hourly basis.
- I am grateful that emo wasn't popular until I got out of it.
- I am Black Hat Guy's girlfriend, and Black Hat Guy himself.
- I wish I was taller, skinnier and less academically intelligent sometimes, and walk in the runways in Milan Fashion Week.
8 ways to win my heart:
- Look after me.
- Accept me.
- Let me know how you feel without words.
- Pocket dance with me.
- Appeal to my intellect.
- Understand my elephant cross kangaroo joke.
- Realise that quaterions, determinants, and larp rules are perfect post-coital talk topics.
- Be my corresponding delta.
7 things that cross my mind a lot:
- Poniiiiies!
- Dr Pepper is SO misunderstood.
- I need £20 more and 5 more hours per week.
- Was I ever as bad as the kids I peer tutor in Analysis?
- I'm never as cute in real life as I am in my good pictures.
- Being in TS's First Year class isn't intimidating now I'm a Second Year. The kids must be terrified.
- I can't buy crisps and a chocolate bar for less than 65p anymore.
6 Things I do before I fall asleep:
- Snuggle.
- Rotate by at least pi.
- Arrange myself in an awkward chevron shape.
- Kiss my sexeh delta. :)
- Panic about the work left to do.
- Smile.
5 People who mean a lot to me:
- The Four Beatles, and your mum.
4 things I am wearing right now:
- A dressing gown with pink and red hearts on.
- Sexeh glasses
- Combats
- A yellow top.
3 songs I listen to a lot:
- Bennie and the Jets by Elton John
- Grapevine Fires by Death Cab For Cutie
- Homecoming by Kanye West
2 things I want to do before I die:
- Have three children
- Love somebody more than I hate myself. :p
1 confession:
- I'm scared of letting myself get too close to people, because when I see a vunerability in someone else, my instinct is to hurt them before they can see my vunerabilities and hurt me worse.
10 things I could say to 10 different people:
- I am afraid that, when we have our first argument, we'll either lose everything, or gain more than I can handle.
- I don't love you anymore. I never did.
- Direct me, Jesus Skywalker!
- Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk? No, really!
- If I wasn't so spineless a few years ago, would we have been friends?
- I know it's difficult to accept that I am not you, and I never will be, but can't I just be good enough the way I am?
- Thank you for letting me walk all over you, and helping me realise later it wasn't okay.
- I feel like I let you down, because I felt you believed in me, but of course, I never let down anyone worse than I let myself down.
- Did you actually get back to that ridiculously keen kid with the free, Citi-funded, Bud in one hand, the self-printed business card in the other?
- You say a word like it's nothing. It's so terrifying when you say it around me, and I hope it doesn't show.
9 things about myself:
- My soul is shaped like a Klein bottle, or a Calabi-Yau manifold.
- You can't touch this. [Stop, hammertime!]
- I'm a /b/tard.
- I'm knitting a torus.
- I love reading my old diaries and seeing how I've grown and stayed exactly the same.
- My handwriting mutates on a daily/hourly basis.
- I am grateful that emo wasn't popular until I got out of it.
- I am Black Hat Guy's girlfriend, and Black Hat Guy himself.
- I wish I was taller, skinnier and less academically intelligent sometimes, and walk in the runways in Milan Fashion Week.
8 ways to win my heart:
- Look after me.
- Accept me.
- Let me know how you feel without words.
- Pocket dance with me.
- Appeal to my intellect.
- Understand my elephant cross kangaroo joke.
- Realise that quaterions, determinants, and larp rules are perfect post-coital talk topics.
- Be my corresponding delta.
7 things that cross my mind a lot:
- Poniiiiies!
- Dr Pepper is SO misunderstood.
- I need £20 more and 5 more hours per week.
- Was I ever as bad as the kids I peer tutor in Analysis?
- I'm never as cute in real life as I am in my good pictures.
- Being in TS's First Year class isn't intimidating now I'm a Second Year. The kids must be terrified.
- I can't buy crisps and a chocolate bar for less than 65p anymore.
6 Things I do before I fall asleep:
- Snuggle.
- Rotate by at least pi.
- Arrange myself in an awkward chevron shape.
- Kiss my sexeh delta. :)
- Panic about the work left to do.
- Smile.
5 People who mean a lot to me:
- The Four Beatles, and your mum.
4 things I am wearing right now:
- A dressing gown with pink and red hearts on.
- Sexeh glasses
- Combats
- A yellow top.
3 songs I listen to a lot:
- Bennie and the Jets by Elton John
- Grapevine Fires by Death Cab For Cutie
- Homecoming by Kanye West
2 things I want to do before I die:
- Have three children
- Love somebody more than I hate myself. :p
1 confession:
- I'm scared of letting myself get too close to people, because when I see a vunerability in someone else, my instinct is to hurt them before they can see my vunerabilities and hurt me worse.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
[insert some title here...]
I'm probably going to look back on this post in a few hours, once I've slept off most of how I feel, and feel really embarrassed. I'll wonder why I wrote this, like I always do with posts I write in this state.
I don't care right now about that moment. I'm not living that moment right now. I'm in this one, and I guess I have to make the most of it.
~~~
I've been an Analysis peer tutor. I show up at a class, I help kids converge their sequences. Not exactly the best paid job ever, but it gives me something to do, and I love that look that mathematicians get when a concept just rolls into place and sets everything off.
To get paid, I need my passport in person.
Rather than mailing it to me, my family surprise me with a trip to come and see my house. At first, it was "Dad will pop it through your mailbox when he's roughly in the area"... then it was "We're all coming at 1:30. Make sure your room is tidy."
So, D and I clean the house - we hoover, we scrub, we do dishes, I tidy my room, and we remove all of his clothes, and make his [unused] bed, and take all my Pride paraphernalia and stuff it in a drawer somewhere.
They arrive. It's so hollow.
I show them the house. I show them D, who I know is quite worried/terrified. He doesn't show it at all. My parents ask if D would like to come with us to lunch, and we all set off.
We eat lunch. Mother moans a bit, and drinks a whole pint of Carlsberg. We share anecdotes, D does too, and I begin to relax.
We go to Wilkinson's. I buy things, including some stuff for my parents. Whatever. It's £3. I have to ignore this, because of Everything They've Ever Bought Me. To be honest, I'm ignoring this because I regularly waste more than that on vending machines in a week.
We come home, I give my brother some cheesecake, and my parents get coffee. My mug breaks while I pour hot water into it. It simply cracked, and coffee just pooled around it, then dripped into drawers and onto the floor.
Finally they leave.
Later on, I make a tasteh dinner for D and I, and go to see The Dark Knight, which is an AWESOMEcool film.
On the way home, we start to talk about my parents. I then start to tell D about how they were about Matt. I get emotional.
I stay emotional.
We finally get home, after sharing more of ourselves with each other. I leave him in the living room, doing whatever he's doing.
I cry.
I then start to get angry. What the fuck am I doing? I don't feel pain. Not really. I think it's pain. I think it hurts so much when I do what I can, and I live to make myself happy, and it doesn't work out for me, and on top of it, they would never approve. But... other people suffer worse things every single day, and they just COPE. They just learn to deal. They don't crumple and fall.
I start to channel my pseudo-pain, and I realised it needed somewhere to go. And, what better place than the plughole that we like to call the blagosphere?
~~~
I always get a headache after a good cry. I reckon it's super-dehydration. I basically live dehydrated, I realised this a few days ago.
I believe that BST has finished. Audrey's clock is an hour behind mine, and she changes her time automatically so I don't have to.
Summer's gone. Cold bitter winter advances.
I live in hope that it'll all turn out fine, and everything will be not OK, but bearable. And.... I think that I can do this. It'll just take a bit of work. And... keeping D around seems like the best idea ever... cos he's the best thing that's happened to me for a really long time.
[Except, maybe that time I... oh, no, he was involved in that too. :D]
I don't care right now about that moment. I'm not living that moment right now. I'm in this one, and I guess I have to make the most of it.
~~~
I've been an Analysis peer tutor. I show up at a class, I help kids converge their sequences. Not exactly the best paid job ever, but it gives me something to do, and I love that look that mathematicians get when a concept just rolls into place and sets everything off.
To get paid, I need my passport in person.
Rather than mailing it to me, my family surprise me with a trip to come and see my house. At first, it was "Dad will pop it through your mailbox when he's roughly in the area"... then it was "We're all coming at 1:30. Make sure your room is tidy."
So, D and I clean the house - we hoover, we scrub, we do dishes, I tidy my room, and we remove all of his clothes, and make his [unused] bed, and take all my Pride paraphernalia and stuff it in a drawer somewhere.
They arrive. It's so hollow.
I show them the house. I show them D, who I know is quite worried/terrified. He doesn't show it at all. My parents ask if D would like to come with us to lunch, and we all set off.
We eat lunch. Mother moans a bit, and drinks a whole pint of Carlsberg. We share anecdotes, D does too, and I begin to relax.
We go to Wilkinson's. I buy things, including some stuff for my parents. Whatever. It's £3. I have to ignore this, because of Everything They've Ever Bought Me. To be honest, I'm ignoring this because I regularly waste more than that on vending machines in a week.
We come home, I give my brother some cheesecake, and my parents get coffee. My mug breaks while I pour hot water into it. It simply cracked, and coffee just pooled around it, then dripped into drawers and onto the floor.
Finally they leave.
Later on, I make a tasteh dinner for D and I, and go to see The Dark Knight, which is an AWESOMEcool film.
On the way home, we start to talk about my parents. I then start to tell D about how they were about Matt. I get emotional.
I stay emotional.
We finally get home, after sharing more of ourselves with each other. I leave him in the living room, doing whatever he's doing.
I cry.
I then start to get angry. What the fuck am I doing? I don't feel pain. Not really. I think it's pain. I think it hurts so much when I do what I can, and I live to make myself happy, and it doesn't work out for me, and on top of it, they would never approve. But... other people suffer worse things every single day, and they just COPE. They just learn to deal. They don't crumple and fall.
I start to channel my pseudo-pain, and I realised it needed somewhere to go. And, what better place than the plughole that we like to call the blagosphere?
~~~
I always get a headache after a good cry. I reckon it's super-dehydration. I basically live dehydrated, I realised this a few days ago.
I believe that BST has finished. Audrey's clock is an hour behind mine, and she changes her time automatically so I don't have to.
Summer's gone. Cold bitter winter advances.
I live in hope that it'll all turn out fine, and everything will be not OK, but bearable. And.... I think that I can do this. It'll just take a bit of work. And... keeping D around seems like the best idea ever... cos he's the best thing that's happened to me for a really long time.
[Except, maybe that time I... oh, no, he was involved in that too. :D]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
