Fluid, babe.

Ever since Saturday, I've been feeling quite womanly. Don't ask me to tell you how one feels "womanly". It's just an innate sense of... something.

I've also been feeling quite gay. And, I was thinking that do I always feel more womanly when I have days where I'm more interested in women? And, I realised that it's not true.

So, I have come to the conclusion that my sexuality, as well as my gender, is fluid, changing and awesome.

It's not entirely fluid though. I've never embraced the idea of feeling *very* masculine. My sexuality is pretty dependent on who I'm around, and what's been going on - I guess that means it's more fluid.

This stuff isn't suited well to words and labels! Ah well.

Mezzanine makes me think about those sorts of things.

~~~

My room is actually tidy. This is a small miracle.

~~~

I have too much work to do, and too much incentive to blog. Rubbish. Rubbish! I will actually work now.

Diva!

I bought my first copy of Diva today. I've been thumbing through it... seems okay.

I always keep forgetting things about lesbanim gay queer type women people. They're usually frighteningly feminist. That's a bit weird for me. Being a debater kinda kicked out most of my views on anything, so I don't immediately side with feminists because I was born female.

I might do a review of what I read after I'm done, I might not. Either way, it's fun to read.

They had a brief article featuring the two girls in the lesbian subplot in the current series of Skins. The writers did a surprisingly good job over it! The dialogue is a little stiff and forced at times, but the way the plot's developed in their case has been interesting, and it's the kind of thing that happens.

The rest of the plot is a mad mess. Let's see...

Cook is sleeping with Effy, who loves Freddie, who loves Effy, but is sleeping with Katie, who is Emily's twin sister. Emily is beginning to date Naomi, but Emily has slept with JJ, who wants to be friends with both Cook and Freddie, but they're mad with each other over Effy. Then, there's Pandora (or Panda, as she is often called), who lost her virginity to Cook within a day of her boyfriend, Thomas, had left the country. Thomas came back, Cook told him that him and Pandora had been sleeping together.

Why do I watch this stuff! It's just madness, Spartan quantities thereof.

Good times.

My p-adic presentation for maths went well! People laughed, and I knew what I was talking about!

I told David I loved him... and we had cuddles and sleeping and that was awesome too.

iTunes DJ is throwing up some awesome music I'd forgotten I owned.

I'm getting used to the idea of being U and Q [as in Unidentified and Queer from the LGBTQUA...+ queer stuff], and realising the freedom it gives me to express myself exactly as I want to every single day. I don't have to feel like I can't wear a skirt, and I can just wear scruffy tees and jeans if I feel that way.

Breasts are okay. I can live with them. I have for 9 years already! At least I don't get bullied for having them. :D

~~~

I care about something! It is the debating society website. Nobody else seems to. They have demoted webmaster down to a sub-exec position, and seemingly forgetting that the internet is a tool that desperately needs to be used. Socials that aren't publisized hard enough on Facebook fall flat - like the interal debate that tried to happen on Wednesday. People coming to see what we're about look at our website, and the first impression they get is that we're potentially not that good.

And, nobody will offer the current webmaster, Tristan, any helpful advice to make the website look good.

So I told him what I would like to see, features that can be improved for usability, and general stuff.

He said I was the only one that cared. I think it's because I can see what the society can do for me, and what it's already done for me, and I truly want to give back to it, and let it continue after I'm gone. I'm not really in it for an exec position to put on my CV, or just to break at University X's IV...

I will keep helping him. Somebody needs to make him feel appreciated for the work he's doing.

Stop the world, I want to mutilate my face.

Actually, no. I don't want to do that. I've finally managed to accept that it's not an ugly face.

But, what would be nice is if the following scenario stops happening:

• Sarah and Boy become sudden friends.
• Sarah is friendly to Boy, because they are friends.
• Sarah is probably flirtatious in front of Boy, because she quite likes it.
• Sarah is generally quirky and slightly interesting.
• Boy reveals that Sarah is the first proper friend of the female persuasion.
• Sarah and Boy kind of drift apart a bit.
  
• Boy reveals that he is attracted to Sarah, usually while she's fucked up emotionally, taken, or both.

Dammit.

We're so full of regrets and missed chances. And, I think about every alternate universe, every chance I missed, every boy I screwed over who I could have tried to love, and realise that I'm in this universe, and I'm stuck in it, and I'm stuck with my choices, and their choices, and you make the best of everything because it's all you have.

And... when I think about it... even though I don't feel so great right now, and it seems like everything is crumbling at my feet, I reassure myself that nothing's going wrong, everything will be okay, and I realise that I'm the happiest I've been in quite a long time.

Nothing's changed. And yet...

I went to the Pride AGM two weeks ago.

They were supposed to hold it a lot longer ago, but the snow fell the hardest on their planned day, so nobody from off-campus could get in to actually vote or stand. So, they rescheduled.

I met Helen there. I told her my name was Willow, and that it was in fact a horrible lie.

I voted at the elections. It was massively bitchy, but it always tends to be. There's always something.

Helen and I talked about things on MSN, and I told her about a skirt I'd just bought. It made me feel... peculiar. I just wanted to run and put trousers on again. And I told her, and she asked me if I defined as trans and I said "Not particularly."

I began thinking again, about how I define, and stuff like that. I think I'm just... queer. Just queer. I don't really feel like a *woman*, but not a man, at all. I don't really identify with being bisexual, and if forced to pick a label, I would say pansexual, but it's so fluid and changeable, and I can never quite tell anyway, because I'm only ever seriously attracted to David - that's physically and emotionally. (I do find other people nice to look at, but I don't want them around when I have sadness.)

But... it's left me feeling a little confused. I'm writing this particular entry wearing that skirt and Converse shoes. I'm just used to it now. I can choose to wear a skirt if I want to, and I know that's okay. I mean, it always has been. I don't know why it felt so weird.

I've been thinking about gender a bit more. Like, the whole thing seems to be so... arbitrary. I mean, I do think of myself as female, mostly because of my body, but apart from that, I'm just a collection of behaviours and patterns, and I don't know if they're stereotypically male, female, or just disturbed.

And... I don't know if I care about that or not.

I'm finding it hard. I don't know if I should.

~~~

I was thinking of becoming U Rep (nobody wanted to be it at the AGM) but, given how shaken up I am right now, I hardly think I could offer much advice and support, let alone helpful representation. Then again, I could be being too hard on myself. It's always near impossible to tell.

The unintentional hiatus...

... is something that will be occurring more and more often, I fear. In fact, providing I'm doing enough work, these sorts of breaks SHOULD be more frequent.

I don't really have time to blog. That makes me feel quite sad, but these few minutes I spend typing should be spent on learning about Hilbert spaces, and writing up assignments and all sorts of things.

I'm going to try and blog anyway though. There's so much that's happened, and it's all quite exciting and stuff. Well, I think it is, and you're reading it, so maybe you think it is too.

Hopefully, I'll be able to write about what's been happening soon. Until next time, it's goodbye from me - goodbye!

Frozen precipitation, and the subsequent cessation of everything...

Yes. There was snow. And everything has kinda failed a little.

This has been the only day so far when lectures have actually been outright cancelled for us. It would have been okay if most people were within walking distance on campus - but of course they aren't. Most are in Leamington, separated from a hive of learning by death trap icy roads.

They've run out of grit in most places, or down to essential supplies. And, since rock salt is transported by road, it's not looking likely that supplies will be arriving swiftly. We can only hope that the weather clears up soon.

I am going with the debate lot to Cardiff, and so far that's looking like it will go ahead... we will have to wait and see what the weather is like tomorrow.

My essay is within epsilon of completion!

\begin{celebration}
Oh yay. Yay yay yay yay! :)
\end{celebration}

Now, to proofread, print... and start an essay on Hilbert spaces. *sigh*

I ate so much pizza that I can't really do anything at all. Oh dear.

Moar proofreading!