Nothing's changed. And yet...

I went to the Pride AGM two weeks ago.

They were supposed to hold it a lot longer ago, but the snow fell the hardest on their planned day, so nobody from off-campus could get in to actually vote or stand. So, they rescheduled.

I met Helen there. I told her my name was Willow, and that it was in fact a horrible lie.

I voted at the elections. It was massively bitchy, but it always tends to be. There's always something.

Helen and I talked about things on MSN, and I told her about a skirt I'd just bought. It made me feel... peculiar. I just wanted to run and put trousers on again. And I told her, and she asked me if I defined as trans and I said "Not particularly."

I began thinking again, about how I define, and stuff like that. I think I'm just... queer. Just queer. I don't really feel like a *woman*, but not a man, at all. I don't really identify with being bisexual, and if forced to pick a label, I would say pansexual, but it's so fluid and changeable, and I can never quite tell anyway, because I'm only ever seriously attracted to David - that's physically and emotionally. (I do find other people nice to look at, but I don't want them around when I have sadness.)

But... it's left me feeling a little confused. I'm writing this particular entry wearing that skirt and Converse shoes. I'm just used to it now. I can choose to wear a skirt if I want to, and I know that's okay. I mean, it always has been. I don't know why it felt so weird.

I've been thinking about gender a bit more. Like, the whole thing seems to be so... arbitrary. I mean, I do think of myself as female, mostly because of my body, but apart from that, I'm just a collection of behaviours and patterns, and I don't know if they're stereotypically male, female, or just disturbed.

And... I don't know if I care about that or not.

I'm finding it hard. I don't know if I should.

~~~

I was thinking of becoming U Rep (nobody wanted to be it at the AGM) but, given how shaken up I am right now, I hardly think I could offer much advice and support, let alone helpful representation. Then again, I could be being too hard on myself. It's always near impossible to tell.